Are the voices in my head too loud for you?

Butterfly Things

Still high - but deliciously creative with it.

I took an antipsychotic yesterday after lunch and konked out for five hours - then felt like what I imagine the morning after the night before might feel like!  I was up and about though - and busy making yet more mess, ably helped by Humphrey who is experiencing quite literally, his first Christmas.  Experiencing in big muddy, gungy capital letters.  He has taken an Evelyn and Crabtree Noel air freshener out of the box and then bit into the areosol to be surprised by the spray of all spice and pine needles in his mouth.  He has unwrapped two newly wrapped presents (not his).  Eaten a wastepaper basket (wicker) and walked a variety of items round the house - a packet of Thai Crackers, Cranbury sauce, vanilla pods - fortunately he hasn't punctured the packaging.  He is very easily bored!!!

 

Last night I didn't sleep well but I did have a lot of planning and scheming time.  I was too physically tired to be up and about - so  tried to focus on what I wanted to do next.  Different scenarios.  Fairy Godmother optional.

 

This morning I was like a woman possessed, on the phone and off - busy, busy, busy making plans.  I am not intentionally teasing you - but I haven't even discussed this most recent set of ideas with my partner yet - so I feel I should wait until I have done that before I spill the beans in a blog.

 

Just as I was about to talk things through with himself my CPN arrived and I was into all the head stuff.  I feel very bouncy today - and found it very difficult to concentrate on anything for very long when he was here.  There were a thousand things whizzing round my head that I wanted to discuss with him - and I was finding it hard to work out which were the most important things to cover in the short time he is with me.  He is ace though - and not just because he has a Newfoundland.

 

My partner has whizzed off to Aberdeen to pick our son up - and I am busy doing all sorts of things.  I have an inkling just now of how a butterfly feels faced with flowers on a hot summer's day.

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

I am still awake - but my body isn't too keen on this state of affairs.  I had a cat nap at 7am - and woke for my pills at 8am.  I  then turned over and tried to sleep.  Weird.  Today is the day my partner goes for his annual cancer check.  The more focused me - up all night or not - would have been up, washed, dressed and by his side as he waited and went through his examination etc...  I turned over and didn't go to sleep - napped - but the phone rang a little after 9am and I was wide awake and ready to get up.  I seemed preoccupied with the fact that someone was calling and I needed to be dressed.

 

I have packed all my son's presents; dealt with e-mails - but the postie is yet to arrive.  Next job is to wrap the various parcels for post.

 

The dogs are locked in our bedroom ostensibly to let me sleep.  Just been down to check on them and nip to the loo.  The bedroom looks like a winter wonderland.  Humphrey has discovered the delights of shredding new toilet rolls and has created an original, vibrant artistic installation in the style of Tracy Ermin all over the bedroom.  I shut the door and have returned to an unusually chaotic study.

 

The last few days I've started quite a few things and then sort of wondered off and so the room looks like I am packing to leave home.  All the on-line purchases poking out of boxes - some not even opened.  Some mail on a to do pile - now lost; other stuff I don't like the look of just now so I won't open yet.

 

I had a minor panic half an hour ago when I was sure I was hearing a new voice in my head speaking in codes - like an alien.  I had put the telephone in my pocket and it had switched itself on against my voluptious rolls of gorgeousness.  So no new character in the internal drama of Jane - just the phone!!!!  Hyponchondria and paranoia.

 

My partner has just got back from his clinic appointment and he has his five year all clear.  Yippppeeee.  Best Christmas present.  He will continue to be monitored but today is a big day.  Now to think how to celebrate...  ooooh the possibilities.

Sweden

Just spent a happy few hours exploring Sweden on the Net.  I like Abba and love the new season of Wallander.  So wondered what it would be like to live there.  I must admit I liked what I saw.  It was fun to go on a roam around the ether and play - "Let's just imagine for a moment..."  I enjoyed myself!  Sweden has a lot to commend it.

 

Still no sign of sleep - so I am going to write some more letters now.  I hope I sleep soon though - my back and neck hurt.  I have Rainbow and Nutmeg for company.  There's nothing quite like a snoozing rabbit and snoring dog!!!!

 

Listened once again to my former boss John Holdsworth doing his Prayer for the Day at 6am.  How very sanguine he sounded.  Good, clear message too.  Maybe we have all mellowed since those intense days...

Diagnostic Test On-line

I have just completed an on-line Bi-polar Diagnostic test.  They said at the end of the test that if you have ticked a lot of boxes to print the list out and take it to a professional.  I ticked all but three boxes oops.

Up, up and Away!!!!

Last week I was selective mute and spent most of the inside of a week glued to the sofa accompanied by a variety of dogs and cats.  Friday, my CPN was round, and I was trying a new drug regime.  He managed in the space of an hour to do what I had failed to do in the previous days - get me out of bed, running around after the dog - and then outside!  Not running - but delighting in it nevertheless and making a new furry friend.

 

The new medication - an older antipsychotic - turned out giving me an immediate allergic reaction.  Within 12 hours I had sores appearing on the roof of my mouth; was perspiring heavily - and not just the odd power surge; not to mention twitchy with blurred, flashing in my left eye and nausea.  The emergency CPN was great 24 hours into the new drug regime and decided I should stop the new medication and give my system a few days for the drug to clear through.

 

By the following morning, although symptoms were still about my mood had changed dramatically.  I shifted from being in the deepest pit to feeling I was 'free' again and back in touch with the most positive aspects of myself.  Most startling, as always happens on these highs, I lost all anxiety and felt as though I could do absolutely anything - not in any grandiose sense - but confident within my own ability and with insurmountable energy.

 

Until Monday I hadn't been out for weeks - not even to the doctor.  I'd been struggling with the idea of being sociable and petrified of being outside and/or going to the shopping mall or into the city.  I am a reluctant shopper (apart from online) at the best of times - but in recent months this has got beyond an issue of preference - I could not go out.  It was too much like hard work and too full of anxiety.

 

Therefore it was doubly surprising to see myself in the middle of M & S in Inverness charging round like a woman possessed buying presents and foodie bits for the festivities.  What's more I felt entirely present and I was utterly taken up and fascinated by the whole experience.  Looking at all the merchandise was an Aladdin's cave or an extraordinarily rich choice.  I was non-plussed but not defeated!!!  I haven't been shopping since the new rules about carrier bags - so I felt the country bumkin when I had to actually buy plastic - but that lesson has been learnt!

 

Not content with that we went on to Simpson's for lunch.  I resisted the recommended Christmas lunch but tried the Lumpy Bumpy Cake which does demand complete adoration of chocolate - and I am ashamed to admit it defeated me.  Sparklies and a Christmas tree chosen - on to the Post Office to post cards.

 

Weirdly I was still going strong in my head if flagging in my body so ening was spent arranging Christmas cards and searching for the nativity scene - which was seriously elusive.  Eventually after my partner had made several sorties over to the old chapel in the garden to look for it there - I went over and sadly it was there - but not in the cardboard box I remembered.

Found though and ready to be set up.  Didn't even feel guilty about sending my partner back and forth.  Much more interested in arranging the figures.

 

I haven't been in the chapel for well over a year - so it was a strange experience going in there.  I had a powerful experience of belonging and felt as though I was seeing it for the first time,  I was caught for the first time by the art on the wall;  and then about the full implications of deciding to close The Sanctuary for the whole of 2009.  I wished I could guarentee my health and keep it open - but I know in my heart I need this year for me.  This is the time to fulfill my desires not meet other people's.

 

We did decide as we sat in the chapel that we would keep the smaller room as meditation space.  It seemed right and would keep positive vibes in the space.

 

Back to the sitting room and to arranging the nativity scene on the mantlepiece.  Very interesting how my partner rearranged it one I had finished!!!!  I've added a deer, dog and two extra angels with bare bottoms to the scene.  I guess it may offend some people.  It makes me smile - very broadly,  I have no great commitment to the nativity narratives they are one of the least plausible stories in the Gospels - but they are a great metaphor for specialness and difference.

 

More cards and a letter written; e mails and some surfing before I finally went to bed - and slept for an hour or so - and then listened to a lot of the World Service before sleeping more fully at around 7am.

 

Yesterday followed a similar heightened pattern.  Colours, smells and my ebullience all feel hugely enhanced, it's like visiting a foriegn country.  I sat in a cafe yesterday simply realising that I did not know it was possible to feel this happy and at one with myself.  I walked around grinning and wouldn't even be put off by a shop that was so full of gifts etc... that I found it hard to differentiate between what I was actually looking at (beware Brodies if you are visually-impaired).  Lunch out again and also a trip to Logie Steading to raid the bookshop - a must for book lovers - then home to get decorations down from the loft (partner) and sorted (me).

 

Slept about three hours and read.

 

Today - same again except physically I am getting tireder and my brain is fighting my body a bit.  Saw my new dietician this morning and I wasn't nervous at all.  Actually very much looking forward to seeing her.  She gave down to earth advice which I hope I can follow.  I liked her a lot immediately.

 

Talked to CPN and realised just how high I still am.  I am pretty impulsive just now.  When he rang I was on a website and was about to spend £175 - more than I would spend on a normal Wednesday morning!!!!  I can't even say it was Christmas shopping.  He has suggested i give my debit card to my partner.  Fortunately my partner has a poor memory and hasn't remembered!!!

 

This afternoon has been decorating the tree and sorting yet more things out ready for our son's holiday.  In a minute I will start to wrap presents.

 

My body is aching.  My lower back is killing me and my knees - but my head won't even slow down.  I tried watching some of the Royal Variety Show in the hope it might calm me.  I was there - singing along - ending with "I am what I am" at the top of my voice.  Sometimes I think the respite for carer should involve them having a few days at a really comfy B & B away from the cared for.

 

I want to slow down, but at the moment I don't have a choice.  In this heightened state as I get physically tired all I can do is hold onto my board and try and use the high time as purposefully and creatively as possible.  At this height I am aware these feelings may last another hour, another day or the rest of my life - but none of these options concern me or worry me - I am NOW!  It is all that matters.

 

I am more impulsive and risk taking than I would be when well.  I guess this making me vulnerable in that I see the best in everything and therefore become easily hurt in this mode.  I am still aware for example, that I am confused and hurt that a member of our family isn't over his anger and talking to us again, but I also recognise in this mood, I am extraordinarily hopeful that all this will be resolved with real healing and inner movement on all sides.  It doesn't even feel cheesy writing that.  It feels real.  Like looking around and seeing colours looking incredibly vibrant and smelling things as though they are incredibly rich and powerful.  The only downside to that is when Humphrey forgets himself in the house!

 

Enough for now - 2am.

Uncomfortable Grief

We had, what I suppose would be described on any British Television Soap, as an almighty family bust up yesterday with one of 'The Brood'.  I think it was one of the most difficult days of my life (and even more so for my partner) and I would do anything to turn the clock back and start again to try and achieve a clearer understanding of what we were each actually trying to say.  But, that isn't real and what has been said has been said.

 

Nothing that we shared we would take back or change per se.  I think we were very surprised by the response our comment evoked.  But then maybe that is always the fatal flaw in family life - we assume we know and understand - and we blatantly don't - any of us.

 

At the moment the whole situation feels unresolvable and sore, very reminiscent of a bereavement - which essentially it is.  I've felt the loss of the other person in my life acutely today; missing a long discussion on Skype; and trying to get on with some of the things we promised to do for the person - even though at the moment it feels as though the person will never see what we have done or want to reconsider - even communicating with us again.

 

It all feels tragic and unnecessary, but maybe we cannot see the bigger picture yet - and it will one day prove to be something that needed to happen - a sort of realisation of what we can all be to each other in reality.  We remain desperately concerned for the person who is hurting, but calm and assured that issues we had to raise were appropriate and necessary.  None of us likes boundaries and limitations which are not of our own making in relationships - but just sometimes they have to be there to keep everyone sane and protect the most vulnerable.  Clearly at this minute, someone we love very much is now feeling very damaged and hurt by our expression of needs - and that does cut us up inevitably.

 

I caught myself look at Christmas presents we had bought this afternoon - and thinking these aren't going to be used; went on to Skype to see if we could make ammends - and realised we have no further access; and sent e-mails with no reply - yes there has been an emotional death in the family.  Let's hope it is a little death of everyday living and we will soon claim new life.

 

Night Owl

Once I have finished transferring all these 78 records onto MP3, I think I will be happy not to see another 78 for some little time!  It has been an extraordinary social commentary on the 40s, 50s and 60s.  I have enjoyed the trip - but I will be happy not to repeat for a wee while.

 

I have completed the meomorial stones at last for my Mum and pets we have recently lost.  These have been put on hold as other stuff has taken precedence.

 

Medication remains an issue.  My Psychiatriast's latest 'gem' is to have a tiny dose of antipsychotic each day.  This does nothing for the deliciously high mania I enjoy - when I GET THINGS DONE!  When I try to stop there isn't enough there in terms of the drug to act as a knock out drop at the appropriate time.  So at the moment I am wide awake at night and out for the count for a significant part of the day.  On the good side, I have become an officiando of The World Service!  I also enjoy the ideas time - but then I don't have the physical energy to work 24/7 which is most disappointing!!!

 

Still, one step at a time - great to be buzzing at all.

 

Mother's Pride

I am a very proud mum just now.  Our youngest is maturing and growing in ways we could only have dreamed about a year or so ago.  While many of my contempories are full of negativity about their adolescents and longing for them to reach adulthood, our own youngster seems to have chosen this time to 'come home' emotionally.  Yes, he has all the usual stuff of adolescence - but - he is emotionally present and we are enjoying being a family.  Can't say more - but it is a love story.

 

I've had some real problems with medication I have to say.  One minute I am high as I kite and the next I resemble an enormous caterpillar cocooned in my duvet on the sofa, not overly hopeful of any kind of future metamorphosis.  I had a seriously bad day on Friday - I just couldn't raise any enthusiasm for anything.  I was badly down.  My super hero CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) arrived and gave me what can be politely described as a sympathetic, but well aimed kick up the back side.  It was what I needed - but tough to hear.  Yesterday was medication free and I was dancing on clouds.  More money spent on line (sure sign of minor relapse); full of ideas; acting on some and trying to keep the lid on the rest - exhausting - but my head flew on. 

 

I spent the day copying my parents old 78 records into MP3 files.  It was a real trip down memory lane.  I found it hugely difficult to stop because I couldn't relax mentally.  In the end I settled to sorting out Christmas cards - unbelievable for me - who is usually a last minute person.  Once I was fed up with that I tried TV - but could I settle - nope!

 

In the end I took some medication and when I still felt as high as anything - took some more - that did it - but I slept until 1pm today.  I can't believe there isn't an inbetween state?  On medication I have a very fuzzy head and feel like Dylan in "Magic Roundabout".  My partner describes this wonderfully as being carefully packed with cotton wool to protect something very precious.  I wish!  Without the antipsychotic I am working on all cylinders but can't remember where the relax switch is.  I much prefer the me off medication - but feel genuinely knackered having the hypo me around for more than a few days at a time.  I am sure my CPN will come up with something.  For my part, I am now wondering if I need some medication, some of the time - and promise myself not to make any decisions on those days - or may be it should be the other days!!!

 

I am determined to crack this.

 

 

 

 

I like To Boogey

Off medication again and feeling free to boogey!  Brilliant.

Several things flying round in my head;  firstly, a smashing book by Sandi Toksvig called "Hitler's Canary".  It is ostensibly a children's book but it is a wonderful story, beautifully told about the German occupation of Denmark.  Much to be commended whatever your age.

 

I have also just finished Margaret Atwood's "Alias Grace" a fascinating insight into the treatment of mental health in nineteenth century Canada - but also a jolly good yarn.

 

The first novel was a timely reminder of the power of the story and how so often less is more in the narrative task.  Toksvig's simplicity of language and unaffected style cuts straight to the essence and meaning of the action as Danes resist Nazi attempts to reorganise them.  Atwood's book speaks to me of the skill in presenting contrasting narrative voices.  I loved the format of letters and interviews. I found myself constantly filling in the imaginative 'gaps' where the story had not been told.  I enjoyed being treated as an informed reader and not just as a by-stander to the action.

 

I am putting some thought into planning my new creative space.  At the moment I am sure that mentally I am making the space at least twice the size it is.  There is quite a lot to pack in - but I can't wait.  I will have to be a little patient however - as the space will be used by family before I reconstruct it!  The whole idea has captured my creative energy.  I have a suspicion I may need to be prised out of it from time to time.  I am dying to get in and start using it.

Nesting

So much to share - but I hardly know where to begin!  It is taking some time to get used to feeling this positive about life, the Universe and everything.  I do feel I have had a reprieve and that I have so much to be thankful for that I am in awe.

 

I had a major high a while ago and was delighted by just how much I managed to get done.  I have gone back onto a small dose of medication and I am now coming off that again - so I may well fly once more!  The hyper periods are very productive creatively but there comes a point when my body runs out of steam whilst my head is still charging ahead!  That is a lot less comfortable!

 

I am taking myself very seriously.  I have decided to close The Sanctuary for the next year and take it over as my writing space and studio.  We will turn the current library into a guest bedroom with it's french windows looking out over the shore and the Black Isle.  Friends who have already visited The Sanctuary will be welcome to use this space, with spiritual direction from a local priest if required - or to just come and see us en famille.  This is a time for me to grow as a person and to see my own deepest desires met - and not to seek the meeting of them in the needs of others.

 

I said to someone quite recently "You know, what you need is a nesting box to live in!"  It took me a day or so to realise that I had spoken my own deepest need to have a exclusive space to write and paint and which is pleasant and creative - reflecting a creative future.

 

It will take a month of Sundays to organise - so watch this space!!!