We had, what I suppose would be described on any British Television Soap, as an almighty family bust up yesterday with one of 'The Brood'. I think it was one of the most difficult days of my life (and even more so for my partner) and I would do anything to turn the clock back and start again to try and achieve a clearer understanding of what we were each actually trying to say. But, that isn't real and what has been said has been said.
Nothing that we shared we would take back or change per se. I think we were very surprised by the response our comment evoked. But then maybe that is always the fatal flaw in family life - we assume we know and understand - and we blatantly don't - any of us.
At the moment the whole situation feels unresolvable and sore, very reminiscent of a bereavement - which essentially it is. I've felt the loss of the other person in my life acutely today; missing a long discussion on Skype; and trying to get on with some of the things we promised to do for the person - even though at the moment it feels as though the person will never see what we have done or want to reconsider - even communicating with us again.
It all feels tragic and unnecessary, but maybe we cannot see the bigger picture yet - and it will one day prove to be something that needed to happen - a sort of realisation of what we can all be to each other in reality. We remain desperately concerned for the person who is hurting, but calm and assured that issues we had to raise were appropriate and necessary. None of us likes boundaries and limitations which are not of our own making in relationships - but just sometimes they have to be there to keep everyone sane and protect the most vulnerable. Clearly at this minute, someone we love very much is now feeling very damaged and hurt by our expression of needs - and that does cut us up inevitably.
I caught myself look at Christmas presents we had bought this afternoon - and thinking these aren't going to be used; went on to Skype to see if we could make ammends - and realised we have no further access; and sent e-mails with no reply - yes there has been an emotional death in the family. Let's hope it is a little death of everyday living and we will soon claim new life.
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