Last week I was selective mute and spent most of the inside of a week glued to the sofa accompanied by a variety of dogs and cats. Friday, my CPN was round, and I was trying a new drug regime. He managed in the space of an hour to do what I had failed to do in the previous days - get me out of bed, running around after the dog - and then outside! Not running - but delighting in it nevertheless and making a new furry friend.
The new medication - an older antipsychotic - turned out giving me an immediate allergic reaction. Within 12 hours I had sores appearing on the roof of my mouth; was perspiring heavily - and not just the odd power surge; not to mention twitchy with blurred, flashing in my left eye and nausea. The emergency CPN was great 24 hours into the new drug regime and decided I should stop the new medication and give my system a few days for the drug to clear through.
By the following morning, although symptoms were still about my mood had changed dramatically. I shifted from being in the deepest pit to feeling I was 'free' again and back in touch with the most positive aspects of myself. Most startling, as always happens on these highs, I lost all anxiety and felt as though I could do absolutely anything - not in any grandiose sense - but confident within my own ability and with insurmountable energy.
Until Monday I hadn't been out for weeks - not even to the doctor. I'd been struggling with the idea of being sociable and petrified of being outside and/or going to the shopping mall or into the city. I am a reluctant shopper (apart from online) at the best of times - but in recent months this has got beyond an issue of preference - I could not go out. It was too much like hard work and too full of anxiety.
Therefore it was doubly surprising to see myself in the middle of M & S in Inverness charging round like a woman possessed buying presents and foodie bits for the festivities. What's more I felt entirely present and I was utterly taken up and fascinated by the whole experience. Looking at all the merchandise was an Aladdin's cave or an extraordinarily rich choice. I was non-plussed but not defeated!!! I haven't been shopping since the new rules about carrier bags - so I felt the country bumkin when I had to actually buy plastic - but that lesson has been learnt!
Not content with that we went on to Simpson's for lunch. I resisted the recommended Christmas lunch but tried the Lumpy Bumpy Cake which does demand complete adoration of chocolate - and I am ashamed to admit it defeated me. Sparklies and a Christmas tree chosen - on to the Post Office to post cards.
Weirdly I was still going strong in my head if flagging in my body so ening was spent arranging Christmas cards and searching for the nativity scene - which was seriously elusive. Eventually after my partner had made several sorties over to the old chapel in the garden to look for it there - I went over and sadly it was there - but not in the cardboard box I remembered.
Found though and ready to be set up. Didn't even feel guilty about sending my partner back and forth. Much more interested in arranging the figures.
I haven't been in the chapel for well over a year - so it was a strange experience going in there. I had a powerful experience of belonging and felt as though I was seeing it for the first time, I was caught for the first time by the art on the wall; and then about the full implications of deciding to close The Sanctuary for the whole of 2009. I wished I could guarentee my health and keep it open - but I know in my heart I need this year for me. This is the time to fulfill my desires not meet other people's.
We did decide as we sat in the chapel that we would keep the smaller room as meditation space. It seemed right and would keep positive vibes in the space.
Back to the sitting room and to arranging the nativity scene on the mantlepiece. Very interesting how my partner rearranged it one I had finished!!!! I've added a deer, dog and two extra angels with bare bottoms to the scene. I guess it may offend some people. It makes me smile - very broadly, I have no great commitment to the nativity narratives they are one of the least plausible stories in the Gospels - but they are a great metaphor for specialness and difference.
More cards and a letter written; e mails and some surfing before I finally went to bed - and slept for an hour or so - and then listened to a lot of the World Service before sleeping more fully at around 7am.
Yesterday followed a similar heightened pattern. Colours, smells and my ebullience all feel hugely enhanced, it's like visiting a foriegn country. I sat in a cafe yesterday simply realising that I did not know it was possible to feel this happy and at one with myself. I walked around grinning and wouldn't even be put off by a shop that was so full of gifts etc... that I found it hard to differentiate between what I was actually looking at (beware Brodies if you are visually-impaired). Lunch out again and also a trip to Logie Steading to raid the bookshop - a must for book lovers - then home to get decorations down from the loft (partner) and sorted (me).
Slept about three hours and read.
Today - same again except physically I am getting tireder and my brain is fighting my body a bit. Saw my new dietician this morning and I wasn't nervous at all. Actually very much looking forward to seeing her. She gave down to earth advice which I hope I can follow. I liked her a lot immediately.
Talked to CPN and realised just how high I still am. I am pretty impulsive just now. When he rang I was on a website and was about to spend £175 - more than I would spend on a normal Wednesday morning!!!! I can't even say it was Christmas shopping. He has suggested i give my debit card to my partner. Fortunately my partner has a poor memory and hasn't remembered!!!
This afternoon has been decorating the tree and sorting yet more things out ready for our son's holiday. In a minute I will start to wrap presents.
My body is aching. My lower back is killing me and my knees - but my head won't even slow down. I tried watching some of the Royal Variety Show in the hope it might calm me. I was there - singing along - ending with "I am what I am" at the top of my voice. Sometimes I think the respite for carer should involve them having a few days at a really comfy B & B away from the cared for.
I want to slow down, but at the moment I don't have a choice. In this heightened state as I get physically tired all I can do is hold onto my board and try and use the high time as purposefully and creatively as possible. At this height I am aware these feelings may last another hour, another day or the rest of my life - but none of these options concern me or worry me - I am NOW! It is all that matters.
I am more impulsive and risk taking than I would be when well. I guess this making me vulnerable in that I see the best in everything and therefore become easily hurt in this mode. I am still aware for example, that I am confused and hurt that a member of our family isn't over his anger and talking to us again, but I also recognise in this mood, I am extraordinarily hopeful that all this will be resolved with real healing and inner movement on all sides. It doesn't even feel cheesy writing that. It feels real. Like looking around and seeing colours looking incredibly vibrant and smelling things as though they are incredibly rich and powerful. The only downside to that is when Humphrey forgets himself in the house!
Enough for now - 2am.
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