Are the voices in my head too loud for you?

Night Owl

Once I have finished transferring all these 78 records onto MP3, I think I will be happy not to see another 78 for some little time!  It has been an extraordinary social commentary on the 40s, 50s and 60s.  I have enjoyed the trip - but I will be happy not to repeat for a wee while.

 

I have completed the meomorial stones at last for my Mum and pets we have recently lost.  These have been put on hold as other stuff has taken precedence.

 

Medication remains an issue.  My Psychiatriast's latest 'gem' is to have a tiny dose of antipsychotic each day.  This does nothing for the deliciously high mania I enjoy - when I GET THINGS DONE!  When I try to stop there isn't enough there in terms of the drug to act as a knock out drop at the appropriate time.  So at the moment I am wide awake at night and out for the count for a significant part of the day.  On the good side, I have become an officiando of The World Service!  I also enjoy the ideas time - but then I don't have the physical energy to work 24/7 which is most disappointing!!!

 

Still, one step at a time - great to be buzzing at all.

 

Mother's Pride

I am a very proud mum just now.  Our youngest is maturing and growing in ways we could only have dreamed about a year or so ago.  While many of my contempories are full of negativity about their adolescents and longing for them to reach adulthood, our own youngster seems to have chosen this time to 'come home' emotionally.  Yes, he has all the usual stuff of adolescence - but - he is emotionally present and we are enjoying being a family.  Can't say more - but it is a love story.

 

I've had some real problems with medication I have to say.  One minute I am high as I kite and the next I resemble an enormous caterpillar cocooned in my duvet on the sofa, not overly hopeful of any kind of future metamorphosis.  I had a seriously bad day on Friday - I just couldn't raise any enthusiasm for anything.  I was badly down.  My super hero CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) arrived and gave me what can be politely described as a sympathetic, but well aimed kick up the back side.  It was what I needed - but tough to hear.  Yesterday was medication free and I was dancing on clouds.  More money spent on line (sure sign of minor relapse); full of ideas; acting on some and trying to keep the lid on the rest - exhausting - but my head flew on. 

 

I spent the day copying my parents old 78 records into MP3 files.  It was a real trip down memory lane.  I found it hugely difficult to stop because I couldn't relax mentally.  In the end I settled to sorting out Christmas cards - unbelievable for me - who is usually a last minute person.  Once I was fed up with that I tried TV - but could I settle - nope!

 

In the end I took some medication and when I still felt as high as anything - took some more - that did it - but I slept until 1pm today.  I can't believe there isn't an inbetween state?  On medication I have a very fuzzy head and feel like Dylan in "Magic Roundabout".  My partner describes this wonderfully as being carefully packed with cotton wool to protect something very precious.  I wish!  Without the antipsychotic I am working on all cylinders but can't remember where the relax switch is.  I much prefer the me off medication - but feel genuinely knackered having the hypo me around for more than a few days at a time.  I am sure my CPN will come up with something.  For my part, I am now wondering if I need some medication, some of the time - and promise myself not to make any decisions on those days - or may be it should be the other days!!!

 

I am determined to crack this.

 

 

 

 

I like To Boogey

Off medication again and feeling free to boogey!  Brilliant.

Several things flying round in my head;  firstly, a smashing book by Sandi Toksvig called "Hitler's Canary".  It is ostensibly a children's book but it is a wonderful story, beautifully told about the German occupation of Denmark.  Much to be commended whatever your age.

 

I have also just finished Margaret Atwood's "Alias Grace" a fascinating insight into the treatment of mental health in nineteenth century Canada - but also a jolly good yarn.

 

The first novel was a timely reminder of the power of the story and how so often less is more in the narrative task.  Toksvig's simplicity of language and unaffected style cuts straight to the essence and meaning of the action as Danes resist Nazi attempts to reorganise them.  Atwood's book speaks to me of the skill in presenting contrasting narrative voices.  I loved the format of letters and interviews. I found myself constantly filling in the imaginative 'gaps' where the story had not been told.  I enjoyed being treated as an informed reader and not just as a by-stander to the action.

 

I am putting some thought into planning my new creative space.  At the moment I am sure that mentally I am making the space at least twice the size it is.  There is quite a lot to pack in - but I can't wait.  I will have to be a little patient however - as the space will be used by family before I reconstruct it!  The whole idea has captured my creative energy.  I have a suspicion I may need to be prised out of it from time to time.  I am dying to get in and start using it.

Nesting

So much to share - but I hardly know where to begin!  It is taking some time to get used to feeling this positive about life, the Universe and everything.  I do feel I have had a reprieve and that I have so much to be thankful for that I am in awe.

 

I had a major high a while ago and was delighted by just how much I managed to get done.  I have gone back onto a small dose of medication and I am now coming off that again - so I may well fly once more!  The hyper periods are very productive creatively but there comes a point when my body runs out of steam whilst my head is still charging ahead!  That is a lot less comfortable!

 

I am taking myself very seriously.  I have decided to close The Sanctuary for the next year and take it over as my writing space and studio.  We will turn the current library into a guest bedroom with it's french windows looking out over the shore and the Black Isle.  Friends who have already visited The Sanctuary will be welcome to use this space, with spiritual direction from a local priest if required - or to just come and see us en famille.  This is a time for me to grow as a person and to see my own deepest desires met - and not to seek the meeting of them in the needs of others.

 

I said to someone quite recently "You know, what you need is a nesting box to live in!"  It took me a day or so to realise that I had spoken my own deepest need to have a exclusive space to write and paint and which is pleasant and creative - reflecting a creative future.

 

It will take a month of Sundays to organise - so watch this space!!!

The Edge of God

The Edge of God is now out!  Edited by Nicola Slee, Michael Jagessar and Stephen Burns with a chapter from moi.  It will be launched at Queen's in the New Year.

Buzzing

Spent most of the day continuing with engraving memorial stones.  I painted in the enamel on one stone this morning - but the third layer has run - so I will wait until it has hardened and then wire brush tomorrow.  I rushed it.  Patience is a virtue.

 

The engraving was much more satisfying - like using a minature pneumatic drill.

 

Thoughts have strayed today to rearranging the house.  We are being joined by another person after Christmas who will be living here for a while - and among other things will help out with some of the work in the grounds.  I am moving my study and have been tossing up whether to be truly hermit-like and claim the caravan as a study; move back in to my partner's study; or use our snug  - which has won.  The snug has fantastic views and is just off the kitchen.  I will feel like the Captain on The Starship Enterprise!  Although I love my current study - it will be a joy to have a creative space over looking the shore - so a bonus.

 

I have an addiction - skype.  I am proud of it which is probably shameful...

I don't feel that though.

 

Ideas are coming thick and fast for canvases and writing just now.  Not sure why - but I am filling my ideas book and need to do a series of rough sketches tonight for the canvases.  I feel as though I am buzzing on all cylinders and I am pleased with the quality of what I am producing.

 

Change

I have been giving quite a lot of thought recently to change.  I'm sure you know the joke about how many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?  One - but the light bulb has really got to want to change!

 

I feel like a light bulb.

 

I had a smashing lunch with a friend a few days ago, but like most highly stimulating conversations it left me with questions about myself and no clear answers - at least not immediately.  Anxiety has often encouraged me towards quick resolution - a rather fierce process of exploring options with phenomenal speed and firming conclusions in haste.  I am learning that there are other ways to proceed.  Ironically I am the opposite with others' processes.  I like to provide space for people's hearts and minds to play and discover and not to tie them down.  An approach I rarely award to my own psyche.  Ironic.

 

In recent days I am owning my anger more directly.  My parents both had powerful tempers and I watched that impact on an older sibling.  I learnt from birth how to moderate my behaviour so that I did not have to face the consequences he did. Depression is anger imploded.  It would be much healthier in my case if it were outside me rather than inside!

 

So, I have returned to an informative, but rather irritating book called "The Facts: Personality Disorder" (Krawitz, Roy; Jackson, Wendy 2008 Oxford: University Press) because in amongst it's sometimes fatuous commentary - there are some questions for personal reflection.

 

How will I benefit from change?

I found it tempting to give the acceptable answers - the ones that win positive strokes - rather than the ones which resonate in my deepest self with all its confusions, damage and hope.

 

I will be challenged.  This feels positive to me - encouraging. 

I may experience a greater sense of personal acceptance.

I may well not take myself too seriously - but much more seriously than I do right now.

I will continue to surprise myself.

I will be stimulated by the journey.

 

What are the positive things about change?

 

Reflection.  Space.  A break in brain traffic or hopefully a slowing down of my thought processes.

 

What are the negative things about change?

 

Emotionally demanding.  Scarey - will I loose the parts I have grown to love? 

What if my future connections mean I loose the respect of those I most admire?

What if I creep back into familiar territory and feel I can't change.

What if I beat myself to a pulp or let those who will dislike the changes do that for me?

 

What will happen if I change?

 

Goodness only knows.  Positive words come to mind.

Liberation.  Hope.  Creativity.  Excitement.  Confidence.  Righteous targeted anger.

Negative thoughts lurk in the shadows:

I can't be bthered.

Why should I?

In a minute ... when I feel better.

(The inner child will out!)

 

Are there things about change I am concerned about?

 

The first change - not meeting my own exacting standards.

 

Is change important?

 

Would I have got this far in the reflection questions if it wasn't?  Doh.

Yes it is.  For me.  It is a positive sign I am alive and becoming.

 

Is change important now?

 

Very much so - but I want it to be holistic rather than superficial.  It won't be enough to simply take on a new character and learn the script - I suspect this is more about paring back the need to be acceptable to others until I discern what is pleasing and acceptable to myself.

 

What do I need to do to maintain the hope that change is possible?

 

Believe my two personal motivators:

Fear is courage waiting to happen.

What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?

 

What do I need to do to give me more confidence that I can change?

 

Trust.  Hope and gentleness towards my own being.

 

I am reminded again of Helen Keller:

Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing at all.

 

Crossroads

My editor liked the book review so much relief.  All being well another review will hit "The Expository Times".

I am missing our son who was home for Half Term and in stunningly good form.

Today I have spent an enjoyable time on Skype.  It is a medium of communication which suits me very well. It is entirely and completely addictive and I am glad I have only recently discovered it!  Get on it and we can chat!

The book I was reviewing is by Leslie Francis and Andrew Village, two academics I have a great deal of time for because their intellectual research has significant practical relevance.  This book is no exception.  A must for preachers who have ever wondered why at the door after preaching their hearts out the people shaking hands don't seem to have heard the sermon they thought they had delivered!

"Preaching With All Our Souls" by Leslie Francis and Andrew Village, Continuum Press 2008

I do wish I could get back to teaching.  I am beginning to feel withdrawal.  I need to look at how I can move this forward, I really do. 

I have learnt some important things over the last few weeks.  Firstly, that I am at a crossroads and I have an amazing array of choices to make.  Secondly, that I am a person of value and I have giftedness to bring to the table.  Lastly, I have the space and time to develop in new ways - to grow the aspects of my personality that feed and nurture my psyche.

The Sanctuary is back - and I am comfortable being.  The healing has come gently and is still in progress - I am excited by what I am feeling and discovering within myself.  I haven't the faintest idea what the future holds - but that excites me rather than makes me anxious.  I am counting blessings not dwelling on my ill-self's belief that I am wholly unacceptable.