Are the voices in my head too loud for you?

Well Enough

Morning in town buying acrylics and a large folio bag for sketches.  (This is getting serious).  I also checked out the kinds of print compositions which are selling and prices - which vary hugely.

I very much want to get together a set of perhaps six or seven canvases and sketches to take round and show at galleries.

My partner and I met for a leisurely cuppa in Marks and Spencer before descending on Simpsons for lunch.  Then home to the computer.  I began by opening mail and burst out laughing at a wonderful magazine that had been sent over by a friend containing an interview with one of my hearthrobs - Martin Sheen.  I couldn't resist sending an e-mail which assured her both my intellectual needs and lustful thoughts were suitably fulfilled!!!  Such a shame Martin Sheen can't run for President of the USA.  I'd consider emigrating!!

The pre-conference pack is through for the conference in July and I have some super books to read and DVDs to watch - and a Bible study and a paper to prepare.  I feel invigorated and full of ideas.  I know going on a theological conference isn't everybody's idea of a relaxing break but I am effectively a pig in clover at the thought of it.  The reading list looks super and none of the books are on my shelves - so that is a bonus.

I had a smashing conversation with our foster daughter last night who is getting married in a short while.  We talked about her guests and plans - it was such a joy to hear her excitement and all about some of the choices she is making.  I called our son later in the evening and he is as excited as we are at the prospect of the wedding.  It will be a small-ish gathering and he will need a new suit, shoes - the works - so he rather chuffed with this.  I am looking forward to a smashing day - and a chance to get to know our grandson too!

I feel well.  It has come upon me all of a sudden - just as becoming ill seemed to overtake and envelope me.  I am content in myself and looking forward with energy and imagination.  I love living in the moment, it is incredibly liberating and enabling.  I am not 'counting my chickens before they are hatched' but I am not waiting for a catastrophe to happen either.  It is hard to put my finger on what has relatively suddenly made me feel so much better.  There seemed to be a moment when, quite literally overnight, my anxiety diminshed demonstrably and my motivated self woke up from hibernation.  Consciously, it had a lot to do with the realisation that I am now able to achieve what I want out of life - the opportunity is at last there after so many years focused on the care and nurture of others.  Unconsciously - the arrival of Spring; the lightening of grief; the discovery of now; not taking myself seriously in ways that retard rather the encourage my emerging self have all played their role.

Kate McMillen writes:

When I loved myself enough I redefined success and life became simple.  Oh, the pleasure of that.

When I loved myself enough

I began to see I didn't have to chase after life.  If I am quiet and hold still, life comes to me.

Enjoyment and Relaxation

I completed my first painting since my mum's death yesterday and now feel back in my painterly stride, intending to go into town later and spend some gift tokens on some more acrylics. 

I chose to paint a coastal scene, as a 'gift' for my mum and as a way of laying her to rest on her birthday today.  It is a very tranquil and simple painting which reminds me of the meditation read as her commendation in the funeral service - Imagine.  It took just under four hours which surprised me. 

I am so relieved to be back with a brush in my hand.  I feel very much at home and it takes me away from words and into the moment.  Paintings are as much technical operations as they are a combination of design and luck.  I hadn't realised how often I had painted this picture in my imagination - but I clearly had because it literally fell off my brush. 

I've had a similar experience when I'm writing.  Sometimes an idea for a novel, poem or article can be in gestation for several months and then I can sit down, then first and second draft it very swiftly.  Final drafts and tightening the finished product have to be done at a distance...  Popped in a drawer and then examined cold and with an 'acid' eye to excess, indulgence and deviation.  (Thank goodness for blogging).

I've decided to go ahead with the publication of The Sharing Space which is a book about disability and the socio-psychological and theological attitudes towards it.  This will hopefully see the light of day later in the year.  I need to chase the God of Edges book I contributed to as I have heard nothing about that this year. 

I am able to think about academic writing at the moment, but my pressing concern is to finish a novel and that is eluding me still.  Again, I may need to just - start - rather like the painting - but for now it is the painting I want to work with.

I am well on the mend.  Coming up to surface can be as quick as going down and wallowing in the depths.  I've cracked the worst of the symproms and am now easing back into LIFE.  There's still a degree of trial and error in what I can and cannot do - but at least I am able to explore and decide what works for me and what doesn't - rather than reeling from one bout of catastrophising to the next.

I have booked myself on a conference in July which I can't wait to go on - and that feels brilliant too.  It will be ten days away and a chance to really discern my new intellectual and creative 'weight' in collaboration with others.  It's awfully entertaining when you take yourself absolutely seriously...

My brother joined us after his working day yesterday for supper and further stimulating conversation and reminiscing.  It remains an immensely diverse and enjoyable evolving friendship.  He also has a reputation for 'having ideas' apparently, so I'm not the only one!  I am delighted that we seem to have so much in common whilst there are enough differences to reassure me that we won't be tempted to collude with each other! 

I am so looking forward to him coming again, apart from anything else it looks as though we will be setting up a cottage industry archiving the Wallman family history and writing my father's biography!

McMillen, K., When I loved myself enough, 2008 PanMacMillan: USA:

When I loved myself enough I began feeling such a relief.

When I loved myself enough I came to see I am not special but I am unique.

When I Loved Myself Enough

Yesterday lunchtime resembled act one of Waiting for Godot  as I sat, psyched and ready for a visit from my OT and she did not show.  My partner tried to phone but alas, reply was there none.  I was stranded, waiting and wondering if I could see movement in the distance.  "Gogo, is that you?"

I put my readiness to do a session to good work though and went to a local bookshop by myself.  I had an hour or more which I spent browsing, buying and sitting reading - waiting - but this time in a slightly different frame - to picked up by car when my partner had finished shopping.  I bought a couple of novels - one I am devouring at speed because it is a joy - and the latest by the same author - more about those in due course.  A card:

It took a lot of will power, but I finally gave up dieting.

The book that lept off the shelf at me is called When I loved myself enough.  I am not a great fan of self-help books - but as I am thinking of beginning researching one on BPD, I thought, as I was there, it was worth checking out the self-help style that sells these days.  Most of the books were unintentionally depressing because they dwelt so much on feeding the slip stream in most of us that believes we are fundamentally inadequate.  The one I purchased caught my eye because it was rather at odds with the surrounding volumes.  It wasn't about fixing yourself - but accepting youself as you are.  The book is a smashing buy because it is simplicity itself - just one sentence per page - ideal material, properly attributed, for future t-shirt slogans too!!!!

Kim McMillen in When I loved myself enough writes by way of an introduction:

For many years I lived with a guarded heart.  I did not know how to extend love and compassion to myself.  In my fortieth year that began changing.

As I grow to love all I am, life started changing in beautiful and mysterious ways.  My heart softened and I began to see through very different eyes...

...For the past twelve years I have been learning to recognise and accept this gift.  Cultivating love and compassion for myself made it possible.

The first reflection sentence of the book is:

When I loved myself enough I quit settling for too little.

The more I have reflected on this, the more powerful it has become.  I've made some tough decisions recently which did lie heavily on my heart because of the importance of other peoples' feelings and hopes.  It is impossibly hard to explain why on a particular day it is possible to spend time with one person and not another.  It wasn't easy to turn round to long-standing friends and say no to a proposed visit to The Sanctuary and a chance to spend time catching up.  It has been terribly hard to say no to a longer home visit for our son.  Not to mention, no, at the last minute, to friends wanting no more than to share a coffee and have a blether.  And of course, no to my own critical voice and anxiety levels.

Saying no has enabled some fundamental affirmations to be heard.  I am scrutinising my motivations thoroughly and being highly selective in my choices.  The effect is that my confidence and energy levels are flowing pretty well.  I have a sense of worth returning and with that the confidence I have always had at a base level as to my intrinsic value - the perspective which is the first to go when I relapse.

Most importantly I am learning to live the moment.  Yesterday was a delightful example of the mindfulness practice with a morning spent at the computer, having some preliminary discussions with people setting up some appointments which I now feel well enough to keep!  An afternoon in a bookshop - that has to be very close to heaven - and the evening with my brother and my partner.  The lasagne was sensational; kindly provided by a brilliant friend who I know is there caring.  The company was just right; stimulating intellectually and emotionally.  Covering important ground at a level that left much to reflect upon - open and full of possibilities.

It was an evening of feeling fed and feeling able to nurture others - but at no personal cost.  My brother looked through old photos and we listened to tapes of my father performing - and talked - comparing our experiences - past and present.  It is an extraordinary gift to have the opportunity to meet and spend time adult to adult with my brother.  I am very grateful that, all things being equal, we will have time to create a relationship and friendship which is based on who we are rather than the nebulus fact that we share DNA.  Having said that, it was also hugely reassuring to see how many things we value in common - and those were, for the most part, either genetic inheritence or early nurture.  Discuss.

My brother is back this evening - and although I expected to wake up knackered and needing to sleep the day away - instead I am up, blogging, and very much looking forward to seeing him later.  He is a very undemanding guest - and I can't think when we last sat down and talked without the thousands of interuptions of kids, phone, jobs to be done and all.  A very precious opportunity for me.

So, off to paint - but not without one more McMillen gobbit:

When I loved myself enough

I quite trying to banish the critical voices from my head.  Now I say, "Thank you for your views" and they feel heard.  End of discussion.

Although my crticial voices are not so easily satisfied - I will work with the core focus because it is healthy and life-giving.

In the post have come yoghurty raisins and a card from another very special friend.  I have the confidence now to be in relationship - local friends had better start filling their diaries pdq - if they want to avoid a close encounter!!!  Don't say I haven't warned you.

Make Something Happen

A heady mix of anticipation and apprehension greeted me as I woke this morning.  I have an OT session today which I am feeling excited about (my OT has bought a puppy).  I am more than ready to engage with her as I have bounced two sessions with acute anxiety.

I am also anticipating a visit from my brother.  We haven't seen each other since my mum's funeral - so it is difficult to predict how I will feel in the moment.  I can't say I am hugely worried.  If I get faffed, I get faffed.  Families are such complex and intricate organisms at the best of times - so I'll just have to see how I go...  It should be OK as we don't know each other well and my curiosity about my brother at the moment is outweighing my anxiety about just how much of a nutter I suspect he might think I am.

I am genuinely excited about the chance to get to know him.  He left home when I was still young - so there is a great sense of possibility and potential - which is only tempered by the fear that like a toddler at a birthday party - I will overdo it and then repent at leisure.  I hope this will not happen - but I will certainly be tired afterwards - handling other people's emotions alongside my own is taking much more effort than it has done in the past.  This is because I am putting healthier strategies into play - but it is taking time to feel skilled and confident at using them.  At the moment I would describe myself as an enthusiastic amateur actor 'marking' her lines.  It will be a wee while before they are as second nature as sublimating my own needs used to be!

We have finalised the Easter Break for our son and although we 'offered' that he come home for a week it has been decided that a shorter stay would be best.  I think, on balance, although he dislikes the transitions backwards and forwards from school, this is probably very shrewd.  As he is practising his newly developing social skills - so I will be looking at more effective ways of meeting my own needs.  (An assertive mother - woaw!  Feel the G-force.)

I listened to Diane Reeves who was being showcased last night on Radio Five Live's jazz programme.  She has a wonderful voice and I must splash out on her latest album (treat).  They played a track which had a reprise which expressed the sentiment that whatever the day brought I could choose to make it a good day.  I think I will learn this and have it as my signature tune!

Today is the first day I have felt like painting in months - and I may well try later as a way of changing gear.  I am getting pretty good (touch wood) at distracting myself in the early stages of anxiety.  I have resurrected story tapes (a big thank you to an out-of-hours CPN); found my old Gameboy and games; and requisitioned from my mum's possessions a relaxation CD.  I also grab dogs - usually my own.  As I move into a few minutes distraction, I seem able to realise pretty rapidly what is going on and re-frame.  I use my mantras:

Fear is courage waiting to happen.  Go for it.

And:

Use the fear for positive action - make something happen!

They may sound trite or as though they should be an opening line for an Australian soap but they work for me.  I am getting much better at not 'wasting' my energy by feeding my own misplaced negativity.  As a consequence the energy to paint; to enjoy my surroundings; to play with the dogs - is very much alive and well.

So I wonder what I will make happen today... It's rather fun - I feel like a naughty house elf.

Anxiety: Work in Progress

Late last night I could be heard singing at the top of my voice from my bed "One more mountain to climb, one more river to cross, I've come such a long, long way and still, I've got a long way to go..."  As a distraction technique it helped.  I was mid anxiety attack and shooting myself down in flames as beng stupid and 'allowing' some comments on the phone our son had made to me earlier in the evening, invade my sense of well-being; really get under my skin. 

I suspect it didn't occur to him we were moving into difficult areas for us both.  I was chatting about Crufts, something he and I have always enjoyed hugely, and the conversation moved to our Newfoundland which we had put down at home last summer.  At the time he judged me "a murderous bitch" - and I was shattered to the marrow.  I was already pretty ill, but I know my partner and I spent some time explaining why this had to happen.

Before I could stop myself last nighgt, I was back into expaining, yet again, why it all happened and I could feel us both tensing.  Although his words said he was very sorry that he had called me such names - he also assured me that he still felt I had murdered her.  I so loved Jessie and she was such a close companion - a day does not go by when I don't wish we could have found another solution. 

Jessie attacked my step-granddaughter and although it was a provoked attack, the damage to my step-granddaughter's face was huge - and Jessie had already shown she was aggressive in the months before.  We spent a long time talking to Jessie's behaviour trainer and our vet - who is a very good friend - and we all had to very, very reluctantly agree that there was little else that could be done in the circumstances.  She could not be trusted. 

Our son tapped into the stream of guilt and disbelief still alive in me that I am responsible for all that has happened to Jess and with such devastating consequences. 

I am so glad we are taking this time to grieve for Jess as a family.  I know how much it must have hurt our son to say good-bye to such a loved pet - but it is hard for us all - very hard.  She has left a big hole in our lives - her huge lumbering frame charging down the hall to greet you on your return home was something to see.

My partner and I have talked a lot recently about getting another Newfie.  It has been tempting as good pups come up from time to time.  Our discussions reached a head a few days ago funnily enough, when we decided not to get another one just yet.  Maybe in the summer.  I hope to get a new guide dog before too long - and although guide dogs don't count in this household as they are beautifully behaved and are not 'pets' in the strictest sense - the arrival of a new dog will mean the pack of four will take time to re-group around the young pretender. 

Rainbow, my present guide dog, will also need time to grieve for his own role in my life as he sees another dog going out with me.  I have learnt never to underestimate animals reactions - I am sure they grieve and need time to adjust to significant changes in their lives just as we do.  So we will think again about a Newfie - after all once you have two dogs - you hardly notice the further additions!  But not yet!

I'm amazed how inadvertently destructive my son's discussions were on the phone last night.  He also scored an emotional 'goal' by telling me one of his school therapists had told him that "he was well-used to treating people with BPD and Zach shouldn't worry, it's probably just as well mum is given some time to centre herself..."  I wanted to scream.  He doesn't even know me!  Help!  I realised I haven't got a rhino hide back in place just yet - mine is gossamer thin.  Bottoms.

The very excellent news is that I can now see the amusing side of the my son's apparent 'knock-out' blows to my psyche. I should have been much more laid back and simply said he is to think what he thinks - but not attempt to justify myself.  I must have sounded as I think I probably subconsciously felt, as though I needed his approval on some level.  This was neither appropriate or necessary.  I learnt a great deal from this uncomfortable incident.  (My new role model will be Mrs Inbetweeny.)

Firstly, that at the moment conversations with family and friends where the relationships are intricate are taxing.  They should and need to happen - but - just as most of today has been taken up working through my self-imposed angst after the call last night, so, in the future I need to make sure I give time to 'recover' following an encounter which may bring up difficult issues for me.

Now I can look back on the conversation last night and see that I was a dimwit letting my son move us into areas which we both know will cause a significant tense reaction in the other.  I won't let that happen again except when we both have decided what the terms of engagement are.  I was left feeling very hurt by his comments.  I know that I can only be hurt if I choose to be. 

As a consequence much of today has been about re-framing the acute anxiety into a learning exercise.  I have learnt that anxiety has to be lived through but then put firmly in it's place at the first opportunity - which in my imagination is into an enormous gherkin jar with a screw top lid - and left there. 

Hurt is often my torchlight to see something that needs to be worked on - and in this episode I saw illuminated my grief at no longer being able to be a mum to our son on a day to day basis; I miss being involved and seeing the day to day transformations.  I hadn't realised how much I miss not having the space and time to listen to him and share with him.  I could also see in my hurt that he was challenging a decision we took which I have re-run in my heart endlessly wondering if we did the right thing in euthanasing Jess.

I did not have the guts of clarity of perception, in the moment, last night, to say this to our son this clearly. He needs to hear that may be it was the wrong decision - and that sometimes I wonder that just as much as he does.  Justifying a decision doesn't make it any easier to live with.  Insight can be, literally, a real pain!!!

Devoured Private Eye and The Herald today - so I feel I have also centred in the world rather than in my own thick soup of paranoid insecurity.

The joy of watching Crufts especially the frantic chaos of the flyball is enough to remind me that life is now - not then - or even tomorrow.  The exhuberance and enjoyment of the moment the dogs exhibit is something to behold. 

Back To The Present

Ok, so it has been a long while since my last blog.  Apologies - but sometimes a girl has got to learn to live reality rather than simply reflect upon it.  With finite energy just now I have to make decisions on how to use time so as not to bruise my emotions.

I've taken a few weeks to live in the moment and it has felt, at times like being pulled through a hedge backwards, and at others as though I am utterly content.  I am getting better - but in doing so I am slowing down on the self-anaylsis and speeding up my appreciation of the moment.  The art of mindfulness.

As a result the necessarily analytical and reflective process of blogging has felt out of place and so I have dropped it until now.  I have more energy to do more - so I feel excited to be blogging once more.  There was a time when it was either walk to the sitting room or write a blog.  Now it's both - making a cup of tea on the way!

Day to day I am feeling much more balanced and actually have periods when I feel well.  This is however within distinct perameters and I am only just regaining the confidence to do things I have always taken for granted.  Just how difficult is it to cook a simple meal?  It is early days, but the motivation is slowly returning which kicks some of my anxiety into touch.

I have made up a joke:

How many people with Borderline Personality Disorder does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.

One to have an anxiety attack about whether or not she has the right to interfer in the bulb's existence and the other to tell the light bulb she is never ever going to be good enough to be recycled.

I am busy gently clearing my mum's study bedroom and settling her estate after her death at the end of November.  So many memories have flooded back.  It has been a good time and there is a certain sense of drawing a line in the sand of life. 

Once her room is reorganised, I intend to redecorate - which I quite enjoy - and then utilise the space as my own 'cave'.  I found a lovely notice to go over a door handle in my mum's things which shows a picture of Pooh sitting and says "Please do not disturb, thinking in progress".  I think my mum would have very much approved of this evolving use of her space - and many of her things.

I had a wonderful treat a day or so after Mothering Sunday when my first ever Mother's Day card arrived from our son.  I was very, very thrilled.  I have put it up on the wall!

Postponed

Jane has not been able to get near a computer today because our son is using it to play computer games!

Firsts

Instead of writing about it - I tried to do it yesterday - go with the flow and stay with the moment.  It was a super day - and I am still rejoicing in this relatively new feeling which is a joy to behold - feeling for short-ish periods of the day - anxiety free.  Now I know how many other people feel.  Wow.

Yesterday I saw my OT and we consolidated the work we did the week before last.  It sounds odd to describe going out to a cafe, ordering a coffee, paying for it and coming home as work - but it was.  It still requires significant effort to remain calm in busy places - but I suspect practice will improve this no end. 

As we returned to the village, I spotted our neighbour out for her walk and I asked if I could get out and see her then walk home along the track by myself.  This was a huge moment and an amazing choice for me to make voluntarily.  Up until this moment I would have done almost anything rather than chat to anyone - as I have never possessed the gift for small talk.  The thought of walking along the track alone felt like trudging up Ben Wyvis.  Quite suddenly, on the back of a very positive session, I was really keen to do it.  Only my knee and shoulder sent out a mild protest. (Today they are both on strike for better living conditions.)

The great thing about my neighbour is that she does not do small talk either - so we compared what was going on in our lives and I felt greatly encouraged by the sound advice of a woman in her 90's.  She is a great inspiration.

So, instead of anxiety about falling over again after the last catastrophic incident in June, I concentrated on the fact that the tide was in, the weather mild, the sky blue and that the ducks were sallying back and forth.  I really enjoyed myself.  It was the longest walk I have done alone in months.  I walked and I felt deeply content.

Today I have returned to my meditations, but I have again been alone in the deserted place.  The silence has been healing and I have tried to ask little of myself apart from remaining relaxed and still for some of the time.  This has been especially important as my son flies home for half term break today.  Very important to stay in the moment and not let excitement, anticipation and a little anxiety take over.

I have also needed the silence to process further.  I am having flashbacks once more to my childhood and a time when I experienced violence in my adult life.  These are often preceeded by traumatic dreams - many I remember or wake with the 'feeling' of the dream rather than much detail.  I see all this as hugely important.  I am at some deep level able to connect, not in an effort to make sense of my past - that I fear would either be pure sleight of hand or plain futile - but rather to recognise some common themes and patterns.

Today has held other firsts for a long time.  The first time I have been left alone in the house for several hours.  My partner has to drive a long way to pick our son up.  This has elongated because our son's original flight was cancelled!  It has been hard in some ways but by breaking it down into short chunks I have managed to contain uncertainties as they have arisen.  Silly things like not being able to remember where the back foor key is; forgetting where things are in the kitchen.

The dogs have been a hoot.  Today I was in sole charge of them all day.  I channelled Caeser Milan - The Dog Whisperer - so it was a confidence building exercise for me.  Our gorgeous Golden Retriever - Dido - is very much her Daddy's dog - and will try it on with me.  Today, I seem to have her under control with a combination of head and shoulders back and a stamp of my foot when she didn't imediately respond to recall in the garden.  Another tick in the box.  Over all it has been good - but I am quite tired.

I am writing this while I wait for my partner and son to return.  Again a good way to keep my flight mechanism under control!  Another day, another sunny afternoon...

Looking at Reality: Listening to a Prophetic Voice

Returning to an image I have used in a previous blog of feeling as though I am learning 'to walk' again emotionally, I have been struck how in the last few days my thirst for knowledge, and to engage my brain has 'switched on' again.  I feel like a neurological sponge soaking up everything I can get my hands on.  I have indulged in reading The Independent on Sunday pretty much cover to cover - although I skipped the sports pages - my medication isn't that good.

I am urgently wanting to catch-up and tune in with the world I have largely ignored or misplaced in recent months.  The energy is there once more to read, evaluate and hold information.  I am able to concentrate for reasonable periods too - a couple of hours at a stretch.

The temptation has been to read uncritically in an attempt to satisfy a brain which is waking up and hungry for information.  Instead I have tried to savour rather than gorge; examine rather than empathise.

The media have been full of analysis of Archbishop Rowan's comments on muslim law.  Those not baying for his resignation seem to have suddenly become terribly conformist in their understanding of the English Legal System. 

When I first read his edited comments, my first thought was "Poor man, this is a classic out-of-context commotion."  On reflection I wonder if Archbishop Rowan is choosing to play an uncharacteristically political game on the advice of colleagues.  As things are going, British politics, reflecting society in general, is moving towards an increasingly secular model to interpret it's core values and beliefs.  By raising issues in an apparently open-handed way about the rights of an ally in maintaining a society based on religious values, could the Archbishop be testing the credibility of what might be perceived as a much less controversial concept later down the line, of maintaining a Christian value system as paramount to the root identity of this country's culture and self-understanding?  In a sense his comments have asked us to think deeply about who we are and how we wish to be understood by others including those who have chosen to make the UK their home.

Our responses have been varied and perhaps, not unexpectedly largely defensive of the status quo.  Muslims, paticularly those in the media and politics are anxious to stress their liberated existence in terms of westernised understandings of freedom.  Christians are either apologising for their awfully bright Archbishop - how patronising is that?  Or denouncing his views and calling for his resignation.  As so often happens when someone with authority rather than power speaks out, he causes knee jerk reactions and the shoring up of exisiting power-bases.  Only time will tell whether religious groups alongside political and faith leaders can stand back and look at the essentially commonsense question the Archbishop is inviting us all to address - Are there ways which can be enshrined respectfully in our legal system of showing, as a society, how much we actually honour the diversity which characterises 21st century British culture?  And, would this enhance a sense of trust, social cohesion, respect and even a reduction in fundamentalist views if this occured?

All that some of my brothers and sisters in Christ can think about right now is how to humiliate our Archbishop further at Synod.  Shame on all of us.

I didn't go consciously into my desert meditation today - but enjoyed all the articles and information I gathered from the paper.  How tempting it has been to want to get back involbed in all this.  It is my world and my responsibility too.  I have sat tight and practised standing back.  Reading made me sad - aware of how at odds I felt from the pages on fashion and the lists of all the things I need to buy or do to have a perfect Valentine's Day.  I felt ancient and very dull, when did I turn into a grumpy old woman advocating simplicity and seeing nothing in the emptiness of spending money (except on fluffies - living and not the must have fashion accessories I am supposed to buy for them).  Then I read the quotations in British Unintelligence in The Independent on Sunday:

Q:  Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.  Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth, did he play?

A:  Jesus.

I have so much catching up to do - it's unreal!

Thought:

In a world where facts are woven into Chinese whispers to create their own mythologies and symbolism; what place does simplicity have?  What place has the prophet who dares to name and challenge?

What place for the person who can answer the question on The Weakest Link "What was Gandhi's first name?" with "Goosey, Goosey." 

"You are the weakest link, Archbishop, Goodbye"  is far too easy. 

"You are leading us to face our shared reality in community, Archbishop, is much harder - but fits the facts a tad better.

Third Day of Lent: Living Wilderness

I have stayed in the Wilderness in my meditation today.  I had a huge urge to move on - to feel better for the experience, take what I could from a brief period of feeling something challenging/new and move on to the next 'fix'; start seeking after more.  I have stayed with the sand and the heat. 

I am debiltated by both.  I can't see in the sun and I feel hot and frustrated by the heat - but I sense I need to stick around.  There's more for me here and it is not the wilderness of desolation - but something to do with balance and perspective.  It is neither quiet nor still.  The wind is erry and the shapes change, just the little things; a stone uncovered; a different tidal sweep through the sand. 

I am settled in my own space - I am free in a sense by the confinement of having nothing but the moment to work with. 

During today's meditation I met a salamander type creature - or rather I watched it scuttle by pausing to give me a look en route.  His sense of purpose put me to shame, but he also made me smile.  He looked mildly surprised to see him on his territory.

No sign of Jesus today - which was just fine.  I stayed with me instead.

I have been aware today of just how precious now is.  I am sleeping deeply and well, and trusting my psyche to support rather than contort my emotional deliberations.  Anything that starts to raise my anxiety I practise returning to 'the now'.  I can choose the desert  of my meditation or the real now - making myself fully conscious of what I am currently undertaking whether that is watching the news or grooming a dog. 

If this doesn't work then I use the dialectical approach I have been taught.  It is great for all that inner conflict stuff and for minimising unnecessary guilt trips.  It's in effect a series of questions:

What am I saying is going to happen or is happening?

What would the opposite of this position be?

What is the synthesis of these two positions?

Most people choose, with a more balanced coping mechanism for the synthesis everytime - I have had a habit of choosing the path illustrated by the answers to questions one or two.  How hum.

Our son is coming home for a few days for half term next week, so my partner has been busy 'mucking out' his room in preparation.  I am excited at the thought of seeing him and having him around, but I hit my first huge temptation today as I was talking through my hopes for his visit with my partner.  The temptation of being what my son would like me to be rather than being as I currently am.  My partner helped me to see how important it is to maintain my exisiting levels of continuity and engagement and not force myself into artificial behaviours or ways of relating which I am really not necessarily well enough for. 

This is a very tough temptation to turn away from.  The need to belong and be accepted is powerful, not to mention the need to be seen to be a caring and concerned mum by our son.  I have faced the fear that I will seem a little different, but I have a strong sense that we will all find our different ways of coping over a short visit when we are in that 'now'. 

Our son will probably hit his gaming options and catch up with old friends that happen to be games; my partner may will hit e bay (I am tempted to buy him a t-shirt which says - "I have a life - I bought it on e-bay!") and I will retire to my cocoon.  Instead of feeling this is inappropriate, unfair and not good enough parenting for our son  or partnering for my lover - I am claiming it as just fine for now and I am not succombing to the temptation of changing my behaviour (in ways that could be ultimately detrimental to me) in order to accommodate others needs.  Whose being a grown up then?

Thought:

In the heat of the moment, I welcome the sun to blind me long enough to think and then claim space to decide what is truly in my best interests.  What works for me will earth me and in turn; in time; might make me a little more accessible to others.  So breath and relax.  Let out the tension and claim relaxation.  Then double check - has the sky fallen in?  No.  So, what is in my best interests right now?  There's a chance it might even be in everyone elses best interests too, there's only one way to find out...