Instead of writing about it - I tried to do it yesterday - go with the flow and stay with the moment. It was a super day - and I am still rejoicing in this relatively new feeling which is a joy to behold - feeling for short-ish periods of the day - anxiety free. Now I know how many other people feel. Wow.
Yesterday I saw my OT and we consolidated the work we did the week before last. It sounds odd to describe going out to a cafe, ordering a coffee, paying for it and coming home as work - but it was. It still requires significant effort to remain calm in busy places - but I suspect practice will improve this no end.
As we returned to the village, I spotted our neighbour out for her walk and I asked if I could get out and see her then walk home along the track by myself. This was a huge moment and an amazing choice for me to make voluntarily. Up until this moment I would have done almost anything rather than chat to anyone - as I have never possessed the gift for small talk. The thought of walking along the track alone felt like trudging up Ben Wyvis. Quite suddenly, on the back of a very positive session, I was really keen to do it. Only my knee and shoulder sent out a mild protest. (Today they are both on strike for better living conditions.)
The great thing about my neighbour is that she does not do small talk either - so we compared what was going on in our lives and I felt greatly encouraged by the sound advice of a woman in her 90's. She is a great inspiration.
So, instead of anxiety about falling over again after the last catastrophic incident in June, I concentrated on the fact that the tide was in, the weather mild, the sky blue and that the ducks were sallying back and forth. I really enjoyed myself. It was the longest walk I have done alone in months. I walked and I felt deeply content.
Today I have returned to my meditations, but I have again been alone in the deserted place. The silence has been healing and I have tried to ask little of myself apart from remaining relaxed and still for some of the time. This has been especially important as my son flies home for half term break today. Very important to stay in the moment and not let excitement, anticipation and a little anxiety take over.
I have also needed the silence to process further. I am having flashbacks once more to my childhood and a time when I experienced violence in my adult life. These are often preceeded by traumatic dreams - many I remember or wake with the 'feeling' of the dream rather than much detail. I see all this as hugely important. I am at some deep level able to connect, not in an effort to make sense of my past - that I fear would either be pure sleight of hand or plain futile - but rather to recognise some common themes and patterns.
Today has held other firsts for a long time. The first time I have been left alone in the house for several hours. My partner has to drive a long way to pick our son up. This has elongated because our son's original flight was cancelled! It has been hard in some ways but by breaking it down into short chunks I have managed to contain uncertainties as they have arisen. Silly things like not being able to remember where the back foor key is; forgetting where things are in the kitchen.
The dogs have been a hoot. Today I was in sole charge of them all day. I channelled Caeser Milan - The Dog Whisperer - so it was a confidence building exercise for me. Our gorgeous Golden Retriever - Dido - is very much her Daddy's dog - and will try it on with me. Today, I seem to have her under control with a combination of head and shoulders back and a stamp of my foot when she didn't imediately respond to recall in the garden. Another tick in the box. Over all it has been good - but I am quite tired.
I am writing this while I wait for my partner and son to return. Again a good way to keep my flight mechanism under control! Another day, another sunny afternoon...
Wow, what A transformation. It is so good to hear your progress. It sounds as if you are regaining your "new" self with both hands and are being gentle enough with yourself to continue your journey with a more possitive step. Well done. My love to you both. Gwen
Posted by: Gwen | 03/01/2008 at 01:25 PM