Back To The Present

Ok, so it has been a long while since my last blog.  Apologies - but sometimes a girl has got to learn to live reality rather than simply reflect upon it.  With finite energy just now I have to make decisions on how to use time so as not to bruise my emotions.

I've taken a few weeks to live in the moment and it has felt, at times like being pulled through a hedge backwards, and at others as though I am utterly content.  I am getting better - but in doing so I am slowing down on the self-anaylsis and speeding up my appreciation of the moment.  The art of mindfulness.

As a result the necessarily analytical and reflective process of blogging has felt out of place and so I have dropped it until now.  I have more energy to do more - so I feel excited to be blogging once more.  There was a time when it was either walk to the sitting room or write a blog.  Now it's both - making a cup of tea on the way!

Day to day I am feeling much more balanced and actually have periods when I feel well.  This is however within distinct perameters and I am only just regaining the confidence to do things I have always taken for granted.  Just how difficult is it to cook a simple meal?  It is early days, but the motivation is slowly returning which kicks some of my anxiety into touch.

I have made up a joke:

How many people with Borderline Personality Disorder does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.

One to have an anxiety attack about whether or not she has the right to interfer in the bulb's existence and the other to tell the light bulb she is never ever going to be good enough to be recycled.

I am busy gently clearing my mum's study bedroom and settling her estate after her death at the end of November.  So many memories have flooded back.  It has been a good time and there is a certain sense of drawing a line in the sand of life. 

Once her room is reorganised, I intend to redecorate - which I quite enjoy - and then utilise the space as my own 'cave'.  I found a lovely notice to go over a door handle in my mum's things which shows a picture of Pooh sitting and says "Please do not disturb, thinking in progress".  I think my mum would have very much approved of this evolving use of her space - and many of her things.

I had a wonderful treat a day or so after Mothering Sunday when my first ever Mother's Day card arrived from our son.  I was very, very thrilled.  I have put it up on the wall!

Comments

[Gwen]

Wonderful to read your possitive steps.Go gentle, go forward. Gwen