I have stayed in the Wilderness in my meditation today. I had a huge urge to move on - to feel better for the experience, take what I could from a brief period of feeling something challenging/new and move on to the next 'fix'; start seeking after more. I have stayed with the sand and the heat.
I am debiltated by both. I can't see in the sun and I feel hot and frustrated by the heat - but I sense I need to stick around. There's more for me here and it is not the wilderness of desolation - but something to do with balance and perspective. It is neither quiet nor still. The wind is erry and the shapes change, just the little things; a stone uncovered; a different tidal sweep through the sand.
I am settled in my own space - I am free in a sense by the confinement of having nothing but the moment to work with.
During today's meditation I met a salamander type creature - or rather I watched it scuttle by pausing to give me a look en route. His sense of purpose put me to shame, but he also made me smile. He looked mildly surprised to see him on his territory.
No sign of Jesus today - which was just fine. I stayed with me instead.
I have been aware today of just how precious now is. I am sleeping deeply and well, and trusting my psyche to support rather than contort my emotional deliberations. Anything that starts to raise my anxiety I practise returning to 'the now'. I can choose the desert of my meditation or the real now - making myself fully conscious of what I am currently undertaking whether that is watching the news or grooming a dog.
If this doesn't work then I use the dialectical approach I have been taught. It is great for all that inner conflict stuff and for minimising unnecessary guilt trips. It's in effect a series of questions:
What am I saying is going to happen or is happening?
What would the opposite of this position be?
What is the synthesis of these two positions?
Most people choose, with a more balanced coping mechanism for the synthesis everytime - I have had a habit of choosing the path illustrated by the answers to questions one or two. How hum.
Our son is coming home for a few days for half term next week, so my partner has been busy 'mucking out' his room in preparation. I am excited at the thought of seeing him and having him around, but I hit my first huge temptation today as I was talking through my hopes for his visit with my partner. The temptation of being what my son would like me to be rather than being as I currently am. My partner helped me to see how important it is to maintain my exisiting levels of continuity and engagement and not force myself into artificial behaviours or ways of relating which I am really not necessarily well enough for.
This is a very tough temptation to turn away from. The need to belong and be accepted is powerful, not to mention the need to be seen to be a caring and concerned mum by our son. I have faced the fear that I will seem a little different, but I have a strong sense that we will all find our different ways of coping over a short visit when we are in that 'now'.
Our son will probably hit his gaming options and catch up with old friends that happen to be games; my partner may will hit e bay (I am tempted to buy him a t-shirt which says - "I have a life - I bought it on e-bay!") and I will retire to my cocoon. Instead of feeling this is inappropriate, unfair and not good enough parenting for our son or partnering for my lover - I am claiming it as just fine for now and I am not succombing to the temptation of changing my behaviour (in ways that could be ultimately detrimental to me) in order to accommodate others needs. Whose being a grown up then?
Thought:
In the heat of the moment, I welcome the sun to blind me long enough to think and then claim space to decide what is truly in my best interests. What works for me will earth me and in turn; in time; might make me a little more accessible to others. So breath and relax. Let out the tension and claim relaxation. Then double check - has the sky fallen in? No. So, what is in my best interests right now? There's a chance it might even be in everyone elses best interests too, there's only one way to find out...
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