When I Loved Myself Enough

Yesterday lunchtime resembled act one of Waiting for Godot  as I sat, psyched and ready for a visit from my OT and she did not show.  My partner tried to phone but alas, reply was there none.  I was stranded, waiting and wondering if I could see movement in the distance.  "Gogo, is that you?"

I put my readiness to do a session to good work though and went to a local bookshop by myself.  I had an hour or more which I spent browsing, buying and sitting reading - waiting - but this time in a slightly different frame - to picked up by car when my partner had finished shopping.  I bought a couple of novels - one I am devouring at speed because it is a joy - and the latest by the same author - more about those in due course.  A card:

It took a lot of will power, but I finally gave up dieting.

The book that lept off the shelf at me is called When I loved myself enough.  I am not a great fan of self-help books - but as I am thinking of beginning researching one on BPD, I thought, as I was there, it was worth checking out the self-help style that sells these days.  Most of the books were unintentionally depressing because they dwelt so much on feeding the slip stream in most of us that believes we are fundamentally inadequate.  The one I purchased caught my eye because it was rather at odds with the surrounding volumes.  It wasn't about fixing yourself - but accepting youself as you are.  The book is a smashing buy because it is simplicity itself - just one sentence per page - ideal material, properly attributed, for future t-shirt slogans too!!!!

Kim McMillen in When I loved myself enough writes by way of an introduction:

For many years I lived with a guarded heart.  I did not know how to extend love and compassion to myself.  In my fortieth year that began changing.

As I grow to love all I am, life started changing in beautiful and mysterious ways.  My heart softened and I began to see through very different eyes...

...For the past twelve years I have been learning to recognise and accept this gift.  Cultivating love and compassion for myself made it possible.

The first reflection sentence of the book is:

When I loved myself enough I quit settling for too little.

The more I have reflected on this, the more powerful it has become.  I've made some tough decisions recently which did lie heavily on my heart because of the importance of other peoples' feelings and hopes.  It is impossibly hard to explain why on a particular day it is possible to spend time with one person and not another.  It wasn't easy to turn round to long-standing friends and say no to a proposed visit to The Sanctuary and a chance to spend time catching up.  It has been terribly hard to say no to a longer home visit for our son.  Not to mention, no, at the last minute, to friends wanting no more than to share a coffee and have a blether.  And of course, no to my own critical voice and anxiety levels.

Saying no has enabled some fundamental affirmations to be heard.  I am scrutinising my motivations thoroughly and being highly selective in my choices.  The effect is that my confidence and energy levels are flowing pretty well.  I have a sense of worth returning and with that the confidence I have always had at a base level as to my intrinsic value - the perspective which is the first to go when I relapse.

Most importantly I am learning to live the moment.  Yesterday was a delightful example of the mindfulness practice with a morning spent at the computer, having some preliminary discussions with people setting up some appointments which I now feel well enough to keep!  An afternoon in a bookshop - that has to be very close to heaven - and the evening with my brother and my partner.  The lasagne was sensational; kindly provided by a brilliant friend who I know is there caring.  The company was just right; stimulating intellectually and emotionally.  Covering important ground at a level that left much to reflect upon - open and full of possibilities.

It was an evening of feeling fed and feeling able to nurture others - but at no personal cost.  My brother looked through old photos and we listened to tapes of my father performing - and talked - comparing our experiences - past and present.  It is an extraordinary gift to have the opportunity to meet and spend time adult to adult with my brother.  I am very grateful that, all things being equal, we will have time to create a relationship and friendship which is based on who we are rather than the nebulus fact that we share DNA.  Having said that, it was also hugely reassuring to see how many things we value in common - and those were, for the most part, either genetic inheritence or early nurture.  Discuss.

My brother is back this evening - and although I expected to wake up knackered and needing to sleep the day away - instead I am up, blogging, and very much looking forward to seeing him later.  He is a very undemanding guest - and I can't think when we last sat down and talked without the thousands of interuptions of kids, phone, jobs to be done and all.  A very precious opportunity for me.

So, off to paint - but not without one more McMillen gobbit:

When I loved myself enough

I quite trying to banish the critical voices from my head.  Now I say, "Thank you for your views" and they feel heard.  End of discussion.

Although my crticial voices are not so easily satisfied - I will work with the core focus because it is healthy and life-giving.

In the post have come yoghurty raisins and a card from another very special friend.  I have the confidence now to be in relationship - local friends had better start filling their diaries pdq - if they want to avoid a close encounter!!!  Don't say I haven't warned you.

Comments

[Gwen]

Wonderful to hear your progress, There is no stopping you now, you have come so far. Enjoy the journey. Much love. G

[carolynn]

With our continuing love and support.
With much love C&A