Are the voices in my head too loud for you?

Postponed

Jane has not been able to get near a computer today because our son is using it to play computer games!

Firsts

Instead of writing about it - I tried to do it yesterday - go with the flow and stay with the moment.  It was a super day - and I am still rejoicing in this relatively new feeling which is a joy to behold - feeling for short-ish periods of the day - anxiety free.  Now I know how many other people feel.  Wow.

Yesterday I saw my OT and we consolidated the work we did the week before last.  It sounds odd to describe going out to a cafe, ordering a coffee, paying for it and coming home as work - but it was.  It still requires significant effort to remain calm in busy places - but I suspect practice will improve this no end. 

As we returned to the village, I spotted our neighbour out for her walk and I asked if I could get out and see her then walk home along the track by myself.  This was a huge moment and an amazing choice for me to make voluntarily.  Up until this moment I would have done almost anything rather than chat to anyone - as I have never possessed the gift for small talk.  The thought of walking along the track alone felt like trudging up Ben Wyvis.  Quite suddenly, on the back of a very positive session, I was really keen to do it.  Only my knee and shoulder sent out a mild protest. (Today they are both on strike for better living conditions.)

The great thing about my neighbour is that she does not do small talk either - so we compared what was going on in our lives and I felt greatly encouraged by the sound advice of a woman in her 90's.  She is a great inspiration.

So, instead of anxiety about falling over again after the last catastrophic incident in June, I concentrated on the fact that the tide was in, the weather mild, the sky blue and that the ducks were sallying back and forth.  I really enjoyed myself.  It was the longest walk I have done alone in months.  I walked and I felt deeply content.

Today I have returned to my meditations, but I have again been alone in the deserted place.  The silence has been healing and I have tried to ask little of myself apart from remaining relaxed and still for some of the time.  This has been especially important as my son flies home for half term break today.  Very important to stay in the moment and not let excitement, anticipation and a little anxiety take over.

I have also needed the silence to process further.  I am having flashbacks once more to my childhood and a time when I experienced violence in my adult life.  These are often preceeded by traumatic dreams - many I remember or wake with the 'feeling' of the dream rather than much detail.  I see all this as hugely important.  I am at some deep level able to connect, not in an effort to make sense of my past - that I fear would either be pure sleight of hand or plain futile - but rather to recognise some common themes and patterns.

Today has held other firsts for a long time.  The first time I have been left alone in the house for several hours.  My partner has to drive a long way to pick our son up.  This has elongated because our son's original flight was cancelled!  It has been hard in some ways but by breaking it down into short chunks I have managed to contain uncertainties as they have arisen.  Silly things like not being able to remember where the back foor key is; forgetting where things are in the kitchen.

The dogs have been a hoot.  Today I was in sole charge of them all day.  I channelled Caeser Milan - The Dog Whisperer - so it was a confidence building exercise for me.  Our gorgeous Golden Retriever - Dido - is very much her Daddy's dog - and will try it on with me.  Today, I seem to have her under control with a combination of head and shoulders back and a stamp of my foot when she didn't imediately respond to recall in the garden.  Another tick in the box.  Over all it has been good - but I am quite tired.

I am writing this while I wait for my partner and son to return.  Again a good way to keep my flight mechanism under control!  Another day, another sunny afternoon...

Looking at Reality: Listening to a Prophetic Voice

Returning to an image I have used in a previous blog of feeling as though I am learning 'to walk' again emotionally, I have been struck how in the last few days my thirst for knowledge, and to engage my brain has 'switched on' again.  I feel like a neurological sponge soaking up everything I can get my hands on.  I have indulged in reading The Independent on Sunday pretty much cover to cover - although I skipped the sports pages - my medication isn't that good.

I am urgently wanting to catch-up and tune in with the world I have largely ignored or misplaced in recent months.  The energy is there once more to read, evaluate and hold information.  I am able to concentrate for reasonable periods too - a couple of hours at a stretch.

The temptation has been to read uncritically in an attempt to satisfy a brain which is waking up and hungry for information.  Instead I have tried to savour rather than gorge; examine rather than empathise.

The media have been full of analysis of Archbishop Rowan's comments on muslim law.  Those not baying for his resignation seem to have suddenly become terribly conformist in their understanding of the English Legal System. 

When I first read his edited comments, my first thought was "Poor man, this is a classic out-of-context commotion."  On reflection I wonder if Archbishop Rowan is choosing to play an uncharacteristically political game on the advice of colleagues.  As things are going, British politics, reflecting society in general, is moving towards an increasingly secular model to interpret it's core values and beliefs.  By raising issues in an apparently open-handed way about the rights of an ally in maintaining a society based on religious values, could the Archbishop be testing the credibility of what might be perceived as a much less controversial concept later down the line, of maintaining a Christian value system as paramount to the root identity of this country's culture and self-understanding?  In a sense his comments have asked us to think deeply about who we are and how we wish to be understood by others including those who have chosen to make the UK their home.

Our responses have been varied and perhaps, not unexpectedly largely defensive of the status quo.  Muslims, paticularly those in the media and politics are anxious to stress their liberated existence in terms of westernised understandings of freedom.  Christians are either apologising for their awfully bright Archbishop - how patronising is that?  Or denouncing his views and calling for his resignation.  As so often happens when someone with authority rather than power speaks out, he causes knee jerk reactions and the shoring up of exisiting power-bases.  Only time will tell whether religious groups alongside political and faith leaders can stand back and look at the essentially commonsense question the Archbishop is inviting us all to address - Are there ways which can be enshrined respectfully in our legal system of showing, as a society, how much we actually honour the diversity which characterises 21st century British culture?  And, would this enhance a sense of trust, social cohesion, respect and even a reduction in fundamentalist views if this occured?

All that some of my brothers and sisters in Christ can think about right now is how to humiliate our Archbishop further at Synod.  Shame on all of us.

I didn't go consciously into my desert meditation today - but enjoyed all the articles and information I gathered from the paper.  How tempting it has been to want to get back involbed in all this.  It is my world and my responsibility too.  I have sat tight and practised standing back.  Reading made me sad - aware of how at odds I felt from the pages on fashion and the lists of all the things I need to buy or do to have a perfect Valentine's Day.  I felt ancient and very dull, when did I turn into a grumpy old woman advocating simplicity and seeing nothing in the emptiness of spending money (except on fluffies - living and not the must have fashion accessories I am supposed to buy for them).  Then I read the quotations in British Unintelligence in The Independent on Sunday:

Q:  Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.  Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth, did he play?

A:  Jesus.

I have so much catching up to do - it's unreal!

Thought:

In a world where facts are woven into Chinese whispers to create their own mythologies and symbolism; what place does simplicity have?  What place has the prophet who dares to name and challenge?

What place for the person who can answer the question on The Weakest Link "What was Gandhi's first name?" with "Goosey, Goosey." 

"You are the weakest link, Archbishop, Goodbye"  is far too easy. 

"You are leading us to face our shared reality in community, Archbishop, is much harder - but fits the facts a tad better.

Third Day of Lent: Living Wilderness

I have stayed in the Wilderness in my meditation today.  I had a huge urge to move on - to feel better for the experience, take what I could from a brief period of feeling something challenging/new and move on to the next 'fix'; start seeking after more.  I have stayed with the sand and the heat. 

I am debiltated by both.  I can't see in the sun and I feel hot and frustrated by the heat - but I sense I need to stick around.  There's more for me here and it is not the wilderness of desolation - but something to do with balance and perspective.  It is neither quiet nor still.  The wind is erry and the shapes change, just the little things; a stone uncovered; a different tidal sweep through the sand. 

I am settled in my own space - I am free in a sense by the confinement of having nothing but the moment to work with. 

During today's meditation I met a salamander type creature - or rather I watched it scuttle by pausing to give me a look en route.  His sense of purpose put me to shame, but he also made me smile.  He looked mildly surprised to see him on his territory.

No sign of Jesus today - which was just fine.  I stayed with me instead.

I have been aware today of just how precious now is.  I am sleeping deeply and well, and trusting my psyche to support rather than contort my emotional deliberations.  Anything that starts to raise my anxiety I practise returning to 'the now'.  I can choose the desert  of my meditation or the real now - making myself fully conscious of what I am currently undertaking whether that is watching the news or grooming a dog. 

If this doesn't work then I use the dialectical approach I have been taught.  It is great for all that inner conflict stuff and for minimising unnecessary guilt trips.  It's in effect a series of questions:

What am I saying is going to happen or is happening?

What would the opposite of this position be?

What is the synthesis of these two positions?

Most people choose, with a more balanced coping mechanism for the synthesis everytime - I have had a habit of choosing the path illustrated by the answers to questions one or two.  How hum.

Our son is coming home for a few days for half term next week, so my partner has been busy 'mucking out' his room in preparation.  I am excited at the thought of seeing him and having him around, but I hit my first huge temptation today as I was talking through my hopes for his visit with my partner.  The temptation of being what my son would like me to be rather than being as I currently am.  My partner helped me to see how important it is to maintain my exisiting levels of continuity and engagement and not force myself into artificial behaviours or ways of relating which I am really not necessarily well enough for. 

This is a very tough temptation to turn away from.  The need to belong and be accepted is powerful, not to mention the need to be seen to be a caring and concerned mum by our son.  I have faced the fear that I will seem a little different, but I have a strong sense that we will all find our different ways of coping over a short visit when we are in that 'now'. 

Our son will probably hit his gaming options and catch up with old friends that happen to be games; my partner may will hit e bay (I am tempted to buy him a t-shirt which says - "I have a life - I bought it on e-bay!") and I will retire to my cocoon.  Instead of feeling this is inappropriate, unfair and not good enough parenting for our son  or partnering for my lover - I am claiming it as just fine for now and I am not succombing to the temptation of changing my behaviour (in ways that could be ultimately detrimental to me) in order to accommodate others needs.  Whose being a grown up then?

Thought:

In the heat of the moment, I welcome the sun to blind me long enough to think and then claim space to decide what is truly in my best interests.  What works for me will earth me and in turn; in time; might make me a little more accessible to others.  So breath and relax.  Let out the tension and claim relaxation.  Then double check - has the sky fallen in?  No.  So, what is in my best interests right now?  There's a chance it might even be in everyone elses best interests too, there's only one way to find out...

Lent Day 2 Lying in the Desert

A gentle day today despite the high winds outside and the occasional downpour.  The light was gloomy, suddenly deciding to brighten up for a moment as twilight fell.  We have noticed how much longer it has remained lighter as each day comes.  Tonight it was getting dark at 5.20pm.  I always think of February as gloomy - but this year the sun has shined too - even a rainbow the other day.  I must go on a snowdrop hunt.

I have slept and spent time in the Wilderness place.  No Art Therapy today, I think the therapist may still be off and I was knackered anyway.  I am surprised how restful being in an empty, open landscape is.  Imagination is a wonderful device; a beautiful plaything.

Over the years my preferred 'safe places' in my head began with a Cindy doll house as a tiny child made by me from cardboard boxes and tissues.  It graduated when I learnt to read to a book filled room with a fire and a cosy sofa or chair.  That image lasted for years until it stopped feeling quite so safe when words became of professional interest and I had a bookful of rooms and a room full of books. 

I went to sea shores - but now I live by one - so that is not safe in the relaxing, imaginative, mindful sense - like all places we make our inner home in, this has become my lived reality - not a special, inner space. 

I then did a visualisation about a space in the centre of a large tree - and it didn't work for me for long - I was really quite ill when the therapist facilitated this - and I was convinced I was hurting a living thing by my presence - so left.  (Apparently not a terribly conventional response!) 

I've imagined little wooden huts in trees and now, for the first time an entirely open space. 

I have lay in the sun today in my visualisation for a short time (as I look like a lobster after about 10 minutes no matter what factor I put on).  I had my multi-coloured sunhat on, my favourite trousers and shirt and some thick sunglasses.  I can see nothing in bright light.  I was surprised how safe I felt not seeing, in the open and with the sun beating down - not too hot - warming and soothing like a bath.  I made sand angels with my arms and legs.  (I am supposed to exercise my shoulder which has seized up since my accident in June.)  It was a sand angel with a wonky wing to one side - but we all have to start somewhere. 

In my visualisation Jesus is about and the silence is companionable.  He enjoys making patterns in the sand and arranging pebbles - very zen and very beautiful - but nothing stays - it's persistently, but gently adapted and changed before my eyes, developed and brushed out  with a leafy branch from a nearby bush.  We drink together at a small pool.  I wait in his shadow until he has finished and moved a little away. He leads me from the shadow back into the full light.   We sit and shut our eyes and think for a while.  I wander off and sleep off the heat of the day in the coolness of a cave.  It is all so simple.  He has even admired my sand angel.  Just a smile when I suspect he thought I was sleeping - but I knew - it only took his smile.

Thought:

This day many share in the pain of not knowing or even understanding themselves,

Provide the cave to cool the anguished soul,

Water to cleanse the rawness of a broken spirit,

A Playful moment to enrich all that is perceived as bleak or unmanageable.

In the name of one who came to teach and bring life,

Amen.

The first Day of Lent: Taking Up Not Giving Up

I continue to feel stronger and better.  It is a huge load off my mind to have shared that I am BPD.  I can feel my energy returning.

My partner and I have known the diagnosis from the end of December, but decided to give ourselves some time to get used to the idea before sharing it without feeling we didn't know the answers to questions - or - much more importantly how we felt.  We have talked alot, but also allowed it to settle into our shared life.  We are welcoming a new companion into the dynamic of our relationships.  I think we both recognise BPD explains a lot!  We have read and now abandoned books and websites - and now feel we have to make it our own - and I have to own how it is for me.  (I haven't put the books on the fire though - but they are squirrelled away amongst other psychology stuff).  To be honest, they were a little scarey when I first read them and I had to work through a sense of denial and grief at what I was reading before I could find the framework I now have which is for the most part one of relief and positivity.

Lent has begun, and I have given myself the opportunity to try out new and old activities; take things up rather the putting them down.  As I sat in the car park at our near by retail park watching the cars and people moving about while my partner picked up my latest prescription, I realised I was content.  Being there felt fine.  We discussed going into the bookshop.  Sanity about our bank balance prevailed rather than anxiety - I still cannot enter a bookshop and leave it without a purchase.  Somethings don't change.

I am reading and writing again.  Incredible.  I am beginning to talk on the phone too.  Awesome.  I have discovered, sadly, that even with medication I hate housework, shopping for groceries and certain types of cafe that are a rip off.  Most of all I am enjoying not living through a haze of anxiety.  I am surprising myself.  My partner and I spent a happy half an hour in hysterics the other evening while I read out yet more t-shirt slogans to choose from.  I am remembering how to enjoy myself.  Thank God for a sense of humour.   

As we begin Lent I am reflecting on the ministry and final days of Jesus's life.  He chose to set himself at odds with what was conventional and challenged accepted thinking by often subverting it in his own actions; not good to be seen with a sex worker or a debt collector.  Today I have been  sitting with him in the wilderness; watching and waiting to see what is to be asked of him (and me); what his intuition, courage and energy will become (and what mine will embrace). 

The watching and waiting is an expression of the mindfulness I mentioned yesterday - for in the wilderness place that I imagine Christ - there is nothing much to do but allow yourself to focus on the now. The feel of the gritty desert floor, the heat from the sun, the hardness of rock against flesh, the scarcity of plants and, the sudden call of birds over head or the slither of a creature from the shadow of a rock; thirst and desolation; loneliness - but with a purpose; a focus; staying in the moment to be more fully myself.  It is the place where I will practice what I have been taught, that tomorrow and yesterday take care of themselves - it is now that I live.

Ash Wenesday - Living Mindfully

An excellent session with my CPN.  Difficult though in some ways because we are trying to earth my aspirations particularly regarding a balanced, healthy family life with a few reality checks.  I feel clearer as a result about what I need to be and do to remain in a more balanced frame of mind. 

The first Ash Wednesday I can remember when I haven't attended Mass, but I have not found myself short on thoughts and reflections.  I feel I am 'living a lenten observance' just now, presenting myself afresh to God, my community and myself.  I am I guess 'coming out' or emerging.

This afternoon I did more - enjoying riding the wave of an energising session with my CPN.  I have wandered round town with my partner; been into shops and even wandered off alone.  I felt human again and as though some of the goals that seemed unattainable are possible once more.

Today we are reminded liturgically of our mortality.  "From dust you came and to dust you shall return".  There have been times in recent months when I have known what it has felt like to want to die and to plan my death.  I have faced my mortality and even longed for my life to be prematurely over.  Today my CPN gave me an introduction to mindfulness - a way of remaining truly in the moment.  I had ample opportunity this afternoon as we were out and about to practice it.  I was aware of the colours once more in the world; my world.  The smells from women's perfume to kebabs and chips; the hustle and bustle of people rushing home - and I realised I would have missed all this.  I gave thanks for life.  All life - but especially the one I have been given.   I am being invited to dig deep and search widely to make sense of my place in the world and that is a privilege, not a curse or a threat or a terrible disability.  I am genuinely grateful.  I have been given the chance to be.  The be-coming will happen if it needs to, as and when.  Can't be forced.  But the be-ing feels just right.  Mindfulness.  Keeping my mind fully in the moment.

From dust I came and to dust I shall return - but for now I am happy to claim life as it is given for the time in between.

BPD and a Shoe Box, Shrove Tuesday and Reflections

I have just watched Dido, our Golden Retriever - the  matriarch of our dog pack and eleven - push our study door open with a large shoe box in her mouth bringing it to us in the hope of a reward.  She couldn't see where she was going and her whole body was wagging in the shear delight of the action.  She deserved her chicken light strip!  She is terrific at retrieving - but as she's got older she doesn't always wait until you ask her for something - she spots a displaced item and brings it anyway.  I love her sense of purpose and joy in serving.  She has now carried the box down to the utility room with my partner so it can be put there for recycling.  She will almost certainly wait until his back is turned and then pick up another piece of cardboard and bring it back down the hall to me.  I watch and wait.

Shrove Tuesday - and we are working up to pancakes.  As this is my favourite food - I think I might even make some!!

As I prepare for a reflective Lent discerning my future vocation, I also want to share the most up to date information that I can about my mental illness with those who accompany me via these blogs.  What I am about to write may not be comfortable to read but I will not be able to fully reflect and discern possible futures unless I am honest about my present and past.  Below are some extracts that I have cut and pasted from a more personal letter to those I have been discerning the thought of setting up a Christian community with.  I have chosen the sections that explain the diagnosis I have now received and it's implications.  I hope this helps clarify and join up the dots as it were.  I am hardly used to the idea myself - but I feel the next steps of managing a life long condition are to share what I am learning about myself. 

Over the years, especially living with children who have been very badly hurt by others, my partner and I have learnt how 'secrets' can end up unhealthy and painful - we have always tried to live with authenticity and transparency even if at times that have been personally and professionally incredibly costly.  So, when illness is about, what's the point in not saying more - just the fear of not being understood.  Well, blow that - fear is courage waiting to happen.

So to my extracts:

I am in awe with gratitude at the support and encouragement I have received in recent months.  Thank you for the part you have played in that.  I have been very humbled.

Getting Better

Fortunately for now there are significantly more ups than downs and my general mood is consistently improved on my new drug cocktail.  I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  This is a condition which is most commonly caused by early emotional abuse in childhood or, much less frequently, a period of sustained trauma in adulthood – things like domestic abuse.

This latest acute illness that I have suffered resonates significantly with an understanding of myself as ‘disappearing’ under the pressure of meeting other people’s needs as a priority.

Bordeline Personality Disorder is a condition which affects 1% of the population and of that around 75% of  those diagnosed are women.  It is diagnosed by a consultant psychiatrist who commonly uses a set of nine pathologies to identify the condition.  If a patient exhibits five or more of the behaviours listed, she is diagnosed with BPD.  In my case the match was eight out of nine – so I haven’t left a lot of room for doubt!

The main symptoms, which would be obvious to those of you who know and love me to varying degrees, are:

i)                   Poorly regulated emotions.

ii)                 Impulsivity.

iii)               Impaired perception and reasoning.

iv)               Markedly disturbed relationships.

I am not going to go into lots of detail, but will attempt to put some of the above into the context of  the me-ness of me as I guess that’s the important part.  Remember I am still the Jane I have always been.  I am not suddenly different – just more aware of why I react in certain ways in some situations.  Frankly, it’s a relief to know why there is a difference – but I am not immune to the stigma that surrounds mental illness particularly this one!  On TV just now an advert for a series describes Personality Disorder sufferers as “present day lepers”.  (Well, there are at least some encouraging biblical precedents in that one).

First thing I have had to recognise is that some of my earliest life experiences seriously damaged my perception of myself.  Many of these issues became very unimportant as I began to experience success in my life choices but they were underlying and showed themselves to me even if not always to others as acute anxiety, poor sleeping, paranoia, over-eating and avoiding emotionally challenging situations which I could not control.

These early fractures in my personality and experience became less ‘acute’ as I got older and wiser – and gained a sense of my value. 

I fell into a serious depression in 2002.  We decided that a choice had to be made, I gave up my full-time academic career.

My BPD symptoms work out in the following ways.  My impulsivity shows at its most acute in over-eating and spending money unnecessarily; also through insomnia and then over-working – hyperactivity; acute feelings of emptiness; anxiety – constantly blaming myself for everything and reckoning that I have done very poorly – even when others are open in their praise; feelings of depression – or imploded anger.

Most of my life there has been a correlation or trigger in physical illness which often depresses me and leads to a period of depression.  My present bout of mental illness was in part triggered by a bad fall in June.  I was suddenly physically trapped with the reality of my inner most feelings.  I am usually suicidal when I become seriously depressed, although I have never attempted to take my own life in reality.  This illness brought with it a new way of harming which was to cut myself.  This was, at the time, a way of feeling powerful.  An effect of the illness is that I feel very disassociated from my physical body – so this reminds me I am here – as it were.

The way my impaired perception and reasoning shows itself is in emotional self-flagulation.  Very few things are not my fault and I can rarely genuinely please myself.  This used to be easier when I was younger.  I seem to have lost the ability to play in recent years and just be spontaneous.  I am not only often paranoid in my thinking, but I also do what is often described as ‘magical thinking’ which is characterised as having unrealistic thoughts and beliefs.  Most powerfully, my image of mysef is often unstable when I am ill.  It takes a lot for me to see myself as gifted – ironic when I have had notable success in enabling others to claim this part of themselves.  I see everyone else as very talented.

Lastly, there is the ‘symptom’ of ‘disturbed relationships’.  I have had the reputation of being ‘aloof’ in the past and I am a master at avoidance.  Interestingly I am very black and white about myself and highly judgemental – but mostly very forgiving, accepting and collaborative in relation to others – sometimes putting myself at serious risk.

That’s the illness and I am not exactly comfortable knowing I have it – but I am learning better strategies all the time regarding coping with it’s symptoms.  I have a good drug regime now which works.  I see a CPN weekly just now, but this will become less and less frequent in the weeks ahead.  An occupational therapist is helping me with confidence issues – doing the things I want to do.  I also attend Art Therapy.

I do hope this helps de-mystufy.  I am on the mend and I am taking myself seriously for once – and part of that is realising what is important to me.  Living and the companionship of friends even beats good health into touch.

The prognosis is that I will, inevitably, have relapses from time to time and the occasional bad day.  At the moment I am doing one activity a day and bounce things that make me too anxious – but this is getting better.  When I am functioning at a higher level again, I will need to keep an eye out for the early symptoms of a relapse and act quickly.  The great advantage now is that this will most probably be pretty uneventful with a revision of medication with the local CPN and regular monitoring.  I imagine I will continue to have depressive episodes from time to time – but they are unlikely to be as tortuous as this episode because I am now diagnosed and monitored.  The best case is that I settle into periods of fruitful endeavour and manage a more evenly balanced lifestyle which pays full attention to my own needs as a priority.  From this position I can not only stay balanced but be available to others.

I will always need to be challenged as to whether I am making healthy decisions in this area.

I will soon be working towards getting a new guide dog – and I was asked what I would like.  I have asked for a dog who is as good as Teddy and Rainbow have been at stopping me dead in my tracks and warning me of what they have perceived as an obstacle or danger ahead.  I need much the same in my forthcoming life dialogue – honesty, transparency of thought and that we continue to offer in prayer and meditation possibilities and hopes; dreams and realities.

Have a blessed Shrove Tuesday - and a fruitful journey through Lent.

No Score Draw

Do you ever have a day which feels like a no score draw?

That's been the feeling of my day.  I had one of the worse anxiety attacks I have had in weeks this morning.  Interestingly, now I have very little recollection of quite what it was all about; the detail has gone.  Something about being a liability and hurting people - but that's all I can recall. 

I went back to bed and put on my blue and white hat and thought, slept and thought.  Eventually - and it felt as though I had fought twelve rounds and landed on the mat in a knock out, I had sorted my head out and come to an understanding of what was worrying me so much.  I am coming to terms with seeing myself differently - and inevitably I don't like everything I see - or all the memories my subconscious is reminding me of.  But I faced the dragons this morning and I think I left all our heads throbbing.  I'm glad I did stop and stand my ground - it hurt like hell - but I don't want to be constantly frightened by my emotions and flashbacks.

My one planned activity today was to go out with my occupational therapist, unfortunately the trip fell in the midst of the worst of the anxiety so I bounced seeing her.  Something I have subsequently beat myself up about as at a rational level I desperately want to get on with re-claiming and in some ways, gaining my independence and confidence again.  Splitting on a meeting is wasting her time and not fulfilling my basic contract with myself. 

I am disappointed I couldn't see beyond my anxiety at the time and couldn't just put the outing with my OT in a separate compartment and get on with it - then go back - if I had to - to the introverted stuff.  I think I was well beyond considering a trip out as a distraction. It felt, as far as I can remember, as though I just had to get on with what I was doing right then - no justification.  I should have been there and hit that mark.

I have written a letter to core community and e-mailed it tonight.  I have lost one core community person's most up-to-date e-mail - it has probably been put somewhere very safe like my work book which has also gone missing.  DB if you read this can you e-mail me so I can send a letter to you.  I feel this is a huge step forward in owning my mental illness and sharing in trust and love gradually with all those who have shared and trusted their stories with me.

Today feels as though I have been two people with a huge swing of the pendulum in between.  A passable impression of a scared rabbit this morning and a slowly thawed out human being who began to think and move and do things as the afternoon got underway.

Some of this may be because I had a fairly shaky weekend.  I have started to read again.  Today Buber's Between Man and Man landed on my desk - found by my partner at the local Borders.  I had also ordered some books about my mental condition through Amazon last week.  They arrived all too swiftly and I read alot.  I didn't take it as well as I had anticipated.  I hadn't realised that I was still in denial about the longer term implications and the impact of my illness on family and friends.  It was a huge wake up call - but it felt initially another insurmountable mountain - how to present the reality of the present and possible futures with authenticity and transparency whilst also keeping a healthy balance which places my emotional agenda at the top rather than near the bottom of the pile of needs and wants around me.

While depression and your personal dosage of antidepressant seems to have become a popular topic of conversation at nice, middle class dinner parties in the South, I am still aware of just how much, often unintentioned stigma, surrounds mental illness.  Part of my future will undoubtedlly involve exploring how this can be reduced in much the same way as I have attempted to do with theological reflection on physical disability - but it certainly wasn't a calling I would have chosen.  As my partner says:  "If you want to make God laugh tell her your plans."

Journeying to a New Way of Living

I am moving forward at so many deep levels that some times I disconcert myself.  The movement looks non-existent on the outside as I have needed a couple of days of much sleep and little activity, but this is misleading.  I have been doing a huge amount of internal processing and 'coming to terms with' how things are for me and how they will be in the future.  I have enjoyed some space.  No pressure.  Read.  Think.  Think.  Read.

The review of Boff's book has gone off - so I have a sense of real acheivement.  I can do some things.  Reading the book was a good exercise in finding out what still fires me and community etc... still does.  Boff is a prophet - he was a good place to start in testing my resolve!  I also heard that a place has become available for a conference in July which I desperately wanted to go on when I was well last year - but when I went to book around this time last year - all the places had been taken - they have had a cancellation and I have an application form.  Will I be well enough is the only question.  What is well is the slightly bigger one.  At the moment I am feeling nothing ventured, nothing gained. 

Thank you again for all the wonderful support.  M - do give everyone my love.  I am there is spirit.  Yes, I do need your support and encouragement.  Thank you ALL.