Do you ever have a day which feels like a no score draw?
That's been the feeling of my day. I had one of the worse anxiety attacks I have had in weeks this morning. Interestingly, now I have very little recollection of quite what it was all about; the detail has gone. Something about being a liability and hurting people - but that's all I can recall.
I went back to bed and put on my blue and white hat and thought, slept and thought. Eventually - and it felt as though I had fought twelve rounds and landed on the mat in a knock out, I had sorted my head out and come to an understanding of what was worrying me so much. I am coming to terms with seeing myself differently - and inevitably I don't like everything I see - or all the memories my subconscious is reminding me of. But I faced the dragons this morning and I think I left all our heads throbbing. I'm glad I did stop and stand my ground - it hurt like hell - but I don't want to be constantly frightened by my emotions and flashbacks.
My one planned activity today was to go out with my occupational therapist, unfortunately the trip fell in the midst of the worst of the anxiety so I bounced seeing her. Something I have subsequently beat myself up about as at a rational level I desperately want to get on with re-claiming and in some ways, gaining my independence and confidence again. Splitting on a meeting is wasting her time and not fulfilling my basic contract with myself.
I am disappointed I couldn't see beyond my anxiety at the time and couldn't just put the outing with my OT in a separate compartment and get on with it - then go back - if I had to - to the introverted stuff. I think I was well beyond considering a trip out as a distraction. It felt, as far as I can remember, as though I just had to get on with what I was doing right then - no justification. I should have been there and hit that mark.
I have written a letter to core community and e-mailed it tonight. I have lost one core community person's most up-to-date e-mail - it has probably been put somewhere very safe like my work book which has also gone missing. DB if you read this can you e-mail me so I can send a letter to you. I feel this is a huge step forward in owning my mental illness and sharing in trust and love gradually with all those who have shared and trusted their stories with me.
Today feels as though I have been two people with a huge swing of the pendulum in between. A passable impression of a scared rabbit this morning and a slowly thawed out human being who began to think and move and do things as the afternoon got underway.
Some of this may be because I had a fairly shaky weekend. I have started to read again. Today Buber's Between Man and Man landed on my desk - found by my partner at the local Borders. I had also ordered some books about my mental condition through Amazon last week. They arrived all too swiftly and I read alot. I didn't take it as well as I had anticipated. I hadn't realised that I was still in denial about the longer term implications and the impact of my illness on family and friends. It was a huge wake up call - but it felt initially another insurmountable mountain - how to present the reality of the present and possible futures with authenticity and transparency whilst also keeping a healthy balance which places my emotional agenda at the top rather than near the bottom of the pile of needs and wants around me.
While depression and your personal dosage of antidepressant seems to have become a popular topic of conversation at nice, middle class dinner parties in the South, I am still aware of just how much, often unintentioned stigma, surrounds mental illness. Part of my future will undoubtedlly involve exploring how this can be reduced in much the same way as I have attempted to do with theological reflection on physical disability - but it certainly wasn't a calling I would have chosen. As my partner says: "If you want to make God laugh tell her your plans."
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