The first Day of Lent: Taking Up Not Giving Up

I continue to feel stronger and better.  It is a huge load off my mind to have shared that I am BPD.  I can feel my energy returning.

My partner and I have known the diagnosis from the end of December, but decided to give ourselves some time to get used to the idea before sharing it without feeling we didn't know the answers to questions - or - much more importantly how we felt.  We have talked alot, but also allowed it to settle into our shared life.  We are welcoming a new companion into the dynamic of our relationships.  I think we both recognise BPD explains a lot!  We have read and now abandoned books and websites - and now feel we have to make it our own - and I have to own how it is for me.  (I haven't put the books on the fire though - but they are squirrelled away amongst other psychology stuff).  To be honest, they were a little scarey when I first read them and I had to work through a sense of denial and grief at what I was reading before I could find the framework I now have which is for the most part one of relief and positivity.

Lent has begun, and I have given myself the opportunity to try out new and old activities; take things up rather the putting them down.  As I sat in the car park at our near by retail park watching the cars and people moving about while my partner picked up my latest prescription, I realised I was content.  Being there felt fine.  We discussed going into the bookshop.  Sanity about our bank balance prevailed rather than anxiety - I still cannot enter a bookshop and leave it without a purchase.  Somethings don't change.

I am reading and writing again.  Incredible.  I am beginning to talk on the phone too.  Awesome.  I have discovered, sadly, that even with medication I hate housework, shopping for groceries and certain types of cafe that are a rip off.  Most of all I am enjoying not living through a haze of anxiety.  I am surprising myself.  My partner and I spent a happy half an hour in hysterics the other evening while I read out yet more t-shirt slogans to choose from.  I am remembering how to enjoy myself.  Thank God for a sense of humour.   

As we begin Lent I am reflecting on the ministry and final days of Jesus's life.  He chose to set himself at odds with what was conventional and challenged accepted thinking by often subverting it in his own actions; not good to be seen with a sex worker or a debt collector.  Today I have been  sitting with him in the wilderness; watching and waiting to see what is to be asked of him (and me); what his intuition, courage and energy will become (and what mine will embrace). 

The watching and waiting is an expression of the mindfulness I mentioned yesterday - for in the wilderness place that I imagine Christ - there is nothing much to do but allow yourself to focus on the now. The feel of the gritty desert floor, the heat from the sun, the hardness of rock against flesh, the scarcity of plants and, the sudden call of birds over head or the slither of a creature from the shadow of a rock; thirst and desolation; loneliness - but with a purpose; a focus; staying in the moment to be more fully myself.  It is the place where I will practice what I have been taught, that tomorrow and yesterday take care of themselves - it is now that I live.

Comments

[Moira Jamieson]

Dear Jane,

I was so heartened to read about your day and about how you are feeling. It’s great to know that you are once again reading and writing (being creative) and laughing. Praise God for giving you courage and strength to get this far. I know it is still early days, but I can feel your enthusiasm for life coming through in your blog. Just keep remembering how much you are loved and thought about each day.
Take care,
Moira