An excellent session with my CPN. Difficult though in some ways because we are trying to earth my aspirations particularly regarding a balanced, healthy family life with a few reality checks. I feel clearer as a result about what I need to be and do to remain in a more balanced frame of mind.
The first Ash Wednesday I can remember when I haven't attended Mass, but I have not found myself short on thoughts and reflections. I feel I am 'living a lenten observance' just now, presenting myself afresh to God, my community and myself. I am I guess 'coming out' or emerging.
This afternoon I did more - enjoying riding the wave of an energising session with my CPN. I have wandered round town with my partner; been into shops and even wandered off alone. I felt human again and as though some of the goals that seemed unattainable are possible once more.
Today we are reminded liturgically of our mortality. "From dust you came and to dust you shall return". There have been times in recent months when I have known what it has felt like to want to die and to plan my death. I have faced my mortality and even longed for my life to be prematurely over. Today my CPN gave me an introduction to mindfulness - a way of remaining truly in the moment. I had ample opportunity this afternoon as we were out and about to practice it. I was aware of the colours once more in the world; my world. The smells from women's perfume to kebabs and chips; the hustle and bustle of people rushing home - and I realised I would have missed all this. I gave thanks for life. All life - but especially the one I have been given. I am being invited to dig deep and search widely to make sense of my place in the world and that is a privilege, not a curse or a threat or a terrible disability. I am genuinely grateful. I have been given the chance to be. The be-coming will happen if it needs to, as and when. Can't be forced. But the be-ing feels just right. Mindfulness. Keeping my mind fully in the moment.
From dust I came and to dust I shall return - but for now I am happy to claim life as it is given for the time in between.
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