Are the voices in my head too loud for you?

Resolutions

Christmas was rather like the curate's egg - good in parts.  In addition some moments were spectacularly healing - not least two e-mails that fed me to the core, absolved and upheld me.  Bless you Great Ones - you were already hugely admired; now I have gratitude as well and a deep sense of being recognised as myself with all her distortedness and quirky individuality.

 

Saw Psychiatrist on Christmas Eve and I am free to describe myself as Bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies or Bordeline Personality Disorder with Schizophrenic and Bipolar episodes or Schizohphernic with Bipolar episodes.  I still prefer Jane frankly.  For those of you who tend towards the view that this is a lot of fuss about nothing; a sort of childish lack of emotional control; or an attempt at entering the fashionable celebrity elite - I can tell you fairly and squarely I would have done literally anything this Christmas to have avoided the major relapse that the family witnessed and I endured.  It was agony - physically hurting when I plummeted to the depths - and felt myself a burden to my loved ones and society.  Looking back I don't believe there was a trigger to all this.  I felt as though my brain dried up, which I now associated with a Dopamine deficiency and I slipped off my perch into a very serious attack of the doldrums.  In bed and not speaking.  A real pain in the bottom and the ultimate party pooper rolled into a sausage shape in a duvet.  Emergency CPN aasistance has brought me back to consciousness - sadly medicated - so that I think I sound like Dory in Finding Nemo - but hey I am upright.

 

This years' Resolutions:

 

Loose enough weight

Write every day without fail - whatever my mood - back to basics.

See if I can avoid talking about my mental health outside consultations for a month (widen my focus).

Continue to plan voluntary work focusing on Peace, Justice and Reconciliation

Paint a self portrait

 

 

 

 

Farmhouse Flutter

Well now, never say you have your plans sorted.  At least not in this household.  We delight in fluidity and new experiences and without intending to - we have had a fun few days full of new ideas and possibilities.

 

I had an idea...

 

I can hear the laughter from here from the clergy and people at St. Thomas's!!

 

...But I did, honest.

 

It's taken me a while to own that I would like to be doing something outside my writing and art.  I am looking into some possibilities right now.

 

Today we went to look at a property.  Quite a surprise move - but something about the house caught me.  We viewed and with the exception of our present house, it received the highest joint score we have ever given a property - and that was on a first viewing.  We intend to go back and view again after Christmas.  Of course it is a buyer's market just now - but that isn't so bad.

 

The house is a former farmhouse adjacent to a now a tenanted farm.  Built circa 1790 it has the understated simplicity and lack of pretentiousness associated with a working person's abode.  Although seriously over-priced (in our view) in the current market, it has a certain quirkiness and gentleness.  It hugs you and is very welcoming.  It is still a wee way from civilisation - but has proper neighbours - and is a mile from real civilisation - shops and such - although the hill is steep and the best that can be said about it is that it would make me very fit - as it is a 1:7!!!!  Oxygen and glucose tablets are very much part of the travel kit.

 

I suspect other properties will come up of a similar age and character in the area - but... well this one is cute and I like the location which is a bit rough and ready - agricultural and rural - and honest somehow.

 

The nearest conubation, we have been getting to know in recent months as we have friends in the area.  It is a gentle place with all the bits and bobs associated with large villages or small towns going on.  It reminds me a little of Woodbridge - but without the glories of the Deben and wthout such a comprehensive array of consumer outlets.  It serves a fishing and agricultural community as well as tourism.  However it has the optimism of a terrier and no sense that it is a wee creature in reality - it has festivals and happenings and a very friendly atmosphere.  I am very taken with it.

 

It reminds me a little bit of E.F. Benson's Mapp and Lucia.  In that it has that small town sense of just about everyone recognising everyone else and having a keen sense of each other's business.  Heaven only knows what would be made of our idiosynchrocies - it would be a hoot finding out though.  I love the different businesses - a pottery, emporium, food shop etc... all there and giving a compact, content atmosphere.

 

Aaaah!

 

Deep sigh.

 

We'll see.

The hill is a 1:7 - no skis and the dogs will never make huskies...

I can feel the adipose slipping away from my body as I learn to cross-country run through the Highland countryside to buy the groceries and pick up the paper each day, hoping like Mapp to hear or see "What's new, neighbour?" Maybe I should buy a wicker basket and a floral dress?  No, I shouldn't tease!  I think my walking boots, jeans and a thick fleece are the order for the day - and a smile.  I haven't seen so many smiles in ages!

 

I am also taken with the fact that a near neighbour to the house is a steading converted into studio spaces - with metres to let...

A creative aura.

Mmmm - yummie.

 

Butterfly Things

Still high - but deliciously creative with it.

I took an antipsychotic yesterday after lunch and konked out for five hours - then felt like what I imagine the morning after the night before might feel like!  I was up and about though - and busy making yet more mess, ably helped by Humphrey who is experiencing quite literally, his first Christmas.  Experiencing in big muddy, gungy capital letters.  He has taken an Evelyn and Crabtree Noel air freshener out of the box and then bit into the areosol to be surprised by the spray of all spice and pine needles in his mouth.  He has unwrapped two newly wrapped presents (not his).  Eaten a wastepaper basket (wicker) and walked a variety of items round the house - a packet of Thai Crackers, Cranbury sauce, vanilla pods - fortunately he hasn't punctured the packaging.  He is very easily bored!!!

 

Last night I didn't sleep well but I did have a lot of planning and scheming time.  I was too physically tired to be up and about - so  tried to focus on what I wanted to do next.  Different scenarios.  Fairy Godmother optional.

 

This morning I was like a woman possessed, on the phone and off - busy, busy, busy making plans.  I am not intentionally teasing you - but I haven't even discussed this most recent set of ideas with my partner yet - so I feel I should wait until I have done that before I spill the beans in a blog.

 

Just as I was about to talk things through with himself my CPN arrived and I was into all the head stuff.  I feel very bouncy today - and found it very difficult to concentrate on anything for very long when he was here.  There were a thousand things whizzing round my head that I wanted to discuss with him - and I was finding it hard to work out which were the most important things to cover in the short time he is with me.  He is ace though - and not just because he has a Newfoundland.

 

My partner has whizzed off to Aberdeen to pick our son up - and I am busy doing all sorts of things.  I have an inkling just now of how a butterfly feels faced with flowers on a hot summer's day.

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

I am still awake - but my body isn't too keen on this state of affairs.  I had a cat nap at 7am - and woke for my pills at 8am.  I  then turned over and tried to sleep.  Weird.  Today is the day my partner goes for his annual cancer check.  The more focused me - up all night or not - would have been up, washed, dressed and by his side as he waited and went through his examination etc...  I turned over and didn't go to sleep - napped - but the phone rang a little after 9am and I was wide awake and ready to get up.  I seemed preoccupied with the fact that someone was calling and I needed to be dressed.

 

I have packed all my son's presents; dealt with e-mails - but the postie is yet to arrive.  Next job is to wrap the various parcels for post.

 

The dogs are locked in our bedroom ostensibly to let me sleep.  Just been down to check on them and nip to the loo.  The bedroom looks like a winter wonderland.  Humphrey has discovered the delights of shredding new toilet rolls and has created an original, vibrant artistic installation in the style of Tracy Ermin all over the bedroom.  I shut the door and have returned to an unusually chaotic study.

 

The last few days I've started quite a few things and then sort of wondered off and so the room looks like I am packing to leave home.  All the on-line purchases poking out of boxes - some not even opened.  Some mail on a to do pile - now lost; other stuff I don't like the look of just now so I won't open yet.

 

I had a minor panic half an hour ago when I was sure I was hearing a new voice in my head speaking in codes - like an alien.  I had put the telephone in my pocket and it had switched itself on against my voluptious rolls of gorgeousness.  So no new character in the internal drama of Jane - just the phone!!!!  Hyponchondria and paranoia.

 

My partner has just got back from his clinic appointment and he has his five year all clear.  Yippppeeee.  Best Christmas present.  He will continue to be monitored but today is a big day.  Now to think how to celebrate...  ooooh the possibilities.

Sweden

Just spent a happy few hours exploring Sweden on the Net.  I like Abba and love the new season of Wallander.  So wondered what it would be like to live there.  I must admit I liked what I saw.  It was fun to go on a roam around the ether and play - "Let's just imagine for a moment..."  I enjoyed myself!  Sweden has a lot to commend it.

 

Still no sign of sleep - so I am going to write some more letters now.  I hope I sleep soon though - my back and neck hurt.  I have Rainbow and Nutmeg for company.  There's nothing quite like a snoozing rabbit and snoring dog!!!!

 

Listened once again to my former boss John Holdsworth doing his Prayer for the Day at 6am.  How very sanguine he sounded.  Good, clear message too.  Maybe we have all mellowed since those intense days...

Diagnostic Test On-line

I have just completed an on-line Bi-polar Diagnostic test.  They said at the end of the test that if you have ticked a lot of boxes to print the list out and take it to a professional.  I ticked all but three boxes oops.

Up, up and Away!!!!

Last week I was selective mute and spent most of the inside of a week glued to the sofa accompanied by a variety of dogs and cats.  Friday, my CPN was round, and I was trying a new drug regime.  He managed in the space of an hour to do what I had failed to do in the previous days - get me out of bed, running around after the dog - and then outside!  Not running - but delighting in it nevertheless and making a new furry friend.

 

The new medication - an older antipsychotic - turned out giving me an immediate allergic reaction.  Within 12 hours I had sores appearing on the roof of my mouth; was perspiring heavily - and not just the odd power surge; not to mention twitchy with blurred, flashing in my left eye and nausea.  The emergency CPN was great 24 hours into the new drug regime and decided I should stop the new medication and give my system a few days for the drug to clear through.

 

By the following morning, although symptoms were still about my mood had changed dramatically.  I shifted from being in the deepest pit to feeling I was 'free' again and back in touch with the most positive aspects of myself.  Most startling, as always happens on these highs, I lost all anxiety and felt as though I could do absolutely anything - not in any grandiose sense - but confident within my own ability and with insurmountable energy.

 

Until Monday I hadn't been out for weeks - not even to the doctor.  I'd been struggling with the idea of being sociable and petrified of being outside and/or going to the shopping mall or into the city.  I am a reluctant shopper (apart from online) at the best of times - but in recent months this has got beyond an issue of preference - I could not go out.  It was too much like hard work and too full of anxiety.

 

Therefore it was doubly surprising to see myself in the middle of M & S in Inverness charging round like a woman possessed buying presents and foodie bits for the festivities.  What's more I felt entirely present and I was utterly taken up and fascinated by the whole experience.  Looking at all the merchandise was an Aladdin's cave or an extraordinarily rich choice.  I was non-plussed but not defeated!!!  I haven't been shopping since the new rules about carrier bags - so I felt the country bumkin when I had to actually buy plastic - but that lesson has been learnt!

 

Not content with that we went on to Simpson's for lunch.  I resisted the recommended Christmas lunch but tried the Lumpy Bumpy Cake which does demand complete adoration of chocolate - and I am ashamed to admit it defeated me.  Sparklies and a Christmas tree chosen - on to the Post Office to post cards.

 

Weirdly I was still going strong in my head if flagging in my body so ening was spent arranging Christmas cards and searching for the nativity scene - which was seriously elusive.  Eventually after my partner had made several sorties over to the old chapel in the garden to look for it there - I went over and sadly it was there - but not in the cardboard box I remembered.

Found though and ready to be set up.  Didn't even feel guilty about sending my partner back and forth.  Much more interested in arranging the figures.

 

I haven't been in the chapel for well over a year - so it was a strange experience going in there.  I had a powerful experience of belonging and felt as though I was seeing it for the first time,  I was caught for the first time by the art on the wall;  and then about the full implications of deciding to close The Sanctuary for the whole of 2009.  I wished I could guarentee my health and keep it open - but I know in my heart I need this year for me.  This is the time to fulfill my desires not meet other people's.

 

We did decide as we sat in the chapel that we would keep the smaller room as meditation space.  It seemed right and would keep positive vibes in the space.

 

Back to the sitting room and to arranging the nativity scene on the mantlepiece.  Very interesting how my partner rearranged it one I had finished!!!!  I've added a deer, dog and two extra angels with bare bottoms to the scene.  I guess it may offend some people.  It makes me smile - very broadly,  I have no great commitment to the nativity narratives they are one of the least plausible stories in the Gospels - but they are a great metaphor for specialness and difference.

 

More cards and a letter written; e mails and some surfing before I finally went to bed - and slept for an hour or so - and then listened to a lot of the World Service before sleeping more fully at around 7am.

 

Yesterday followed a similar heightened pattern.  Colours, smells and my ebullience all feel hugely enhanced, it's like visiting a foriegn country.  I sat in a cafe yesterday simply realising that I did not know it was possible to feel this happy and at one with myself.  I walked around grinning and wouldn't even be put off by a shop that was so full of gifts etc... that I found it hard to differentiate between what I was actually looking at (beware Brodies if you are visually-impaired).  Lunch out again and also a trip to Logie Steading to raid the bookshop - a must for book lovers - then home to get decorations down from the loft (partner) and sorted (me).

 

Slept about three hours and read.

 

Today - same again except physically I am getting tireder and my brain is fighting my body a bit.  Saw my new dietician this morning and I wasn't nervous at all.  Actually very much looking forward to seeing her.  She gave down to earth advice which I hope I can follow.  I liked her a lot immediately.

 

Talked to CPN and realised just how high I still am.  I am pretty impulsive just now.  When he rang I was on a website and was about to spend £175 - more than I would spend on a normal Wednesday morning!!!!  I can't even say it was Christmas shopping.  He has suggested i give my debit card to my partner.  Fortunately my partner has a poor memory and hasn't remembered!!!

 

This afternoon has been decorating the tree and sorting yet more things out ready for our son's holiday.  In a minute I will start to wrap presents.

 

My body is aching.  My lower back is killing me and my knees - but my head won't even slow down.  I tried watching some of the Royal Variety Show in the hope it might calm me.  I was there - singing along - ending with "I am what I am" at the top of my voice.  Sometimes I think the respite for carer should involve them having a few days at a really comfy B & B away from the cared for.

 

I want to slow down, but at the moment I don't have a choice.  In this heightened state as I get physically tired all I can do is hold onto my board and try and use the high time as purposefully and creatively as possible.  At this height I am aware these feelings may last another hour, another day or the rest of my life - but none of these options concern me or worry me - I am NOW!  It is all that matters.

 

I am more impulsive and risk taking than I would be when well.  I guess this making me vulnerable in that I see the best in everything and therefore become easily hurt in this mode.  I am still aware for example, that I am confused and hurt that a member of our family isn't over his anger and talking to us again, but I also recognise in this mood, I am extraordinarily hopeful that all this will be resolved with real healing and inner movement on all sides.  It doesn't even feel cheesy writing that.  It feels real.  Like looking around and seeing colours looking incredibly vibrant and smelling things as though they are incredibly rich and powerful.  The only downside to that is when Humphrey forgets himself in the house!

 

Enough for now - 2am.

Uncomfortable Grief

We had, what I suppose would be described on any British Television Soap, as an almighty family bust up yesterday with one of 'The Brood'.  I think it was one of the most difficult days of my life (and even more so for my partner) and I would do anything to turn the clock back and start again to try and achieve a clearer understanding of what we were each actually trying to say.  But, that isn't real and what has been said has been said.

 

Nothing that we shared we would take back or change per se.  I think we were very surprised by the response our comment evoked.  But then maybe that is always the fatal flaw in family life - we assume we know and understand - and we blatantly don't - any of us.

 

At the moment the whole situation feels unresolvable and sore, very reminiscent of a bereavement - which essentially it is.  I've felt the loss of the other person in my life acutely today; missing a long discussion on Skype; and trying to get on with some of the things we promised to do for the person - even though at the moment it feels as though the person will never see what we have done or want to reconsider - even communicating with us again.

 

It all feels tragic and unnecessary, but maybe we cannot see the bigger picture yet - and it will one day prove to be something that needed to happen - a sort of realisation of what we can all be to each other in reality.  We remain desperately concerned for the person who is hurting, but calm and assured that issues we had to raise were appropriate and necessary.  None of us likes boundaries and limitations which are not of our own making in relationships - but just sometimes they have to be there to keep everyone sane and protect the most vulnerable.  Clearly at this minute, someone we love very much is now feeling very damaged and hurt by our expression of needs - and that does cut us up inevitably.

 

I caught myself look at Christmas presents we had bought this afternoon - and thinking these aren't going to be used; went on to Skype to see if we could make ammends - and realised we have no further access; and sent e-mails with no reply - yes there has been an emotional death in the family.  Let's hope it is a little death of everyday living and we will soon claim new life.