Resolutions

Christmas was rather like the curate's egg - good in parts.  In addition some moments were spectacularly healing - not least two e-mails that fed me to the core, absolved and upheld me.  Bless you Great Ones - you were already hugely admired; now I have gratitude as well and a deep sense of being recognised as myself with all her distortedness and quirky individuality.

 

Saw Psychiatrist on Christmas Eve and I am free to describe myself as Bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies or Bordeline Personality Disorder with Schizophrenic and Bipolar episodes or Schizohphernic with Bipolar episodes.  I still prefer Jane frankly.  For those of you who tend towards the view that this is a lot of fuss about nothing; a sort of childish lack of emotional control; or an attempt at entering the fashionable celebrity elite - I can tell you fairly and squarely I would have done literally anything this Christmas to have avoided the major relapse that the family witnessed and I endured.  It was agony - physically hurting when I plummeted to the depths - and felt myself a burden to my loved ones and society.  Looking back I don't believe there was a trigger to all this.  I felt as though my brain dried up, which I now associated with a Dopamine deficiency and I slipped off my perch into a very serious attack of the doldrums.  In bed and not speaking.  A real pain in the bottom and the ultimate party pooper rolled into a sausage shape in a duvet.  Emergency CPN aasistance has brought me back to consciousness - sadly medicated - so that I think I sound like Dory in Finding Nemo - but hey I am upright.

 

This years' Resolutions:

 

Loose enough weight

Write every day without fail - whatever my mood - back to basics.

See if I can avoid talking about my mental health outside consultations for a month (widen my focus).

Continue to plan voluntary work focusing on Peace, Justice and Reconciliation

Paint a self portrait

 

 

 

 

Comments

[carolynn]

Hi Jane
What ever labels you or any others places on you, you are still Jane, who I have known, loved, laughed, cried and walked with for 30 years this coming September and nothing is going to change that!!
Glad you are upright again, if but fuzzy at the edges!
Much love and hopes for a less traumatic year for all of you.
Carolynn

[Gwen]

Jane, I whole heartly aggree with C. You are you, and whatever the "experts" say Its Jane we love and admire for who you are. Friends understand and support. Just grow strong in who you are and enjoy.
Love Gwen