Are the voices in my head too loud for you?

Born to Be Wild

First day of the year and we still have a fierce frost which has clung to the landscape for several days sometimes with hours of very atmosperic fog giving us a sense that we are completely cocooned, unable to see the nearest houses just a third of a mile away or the Black Isle four miles across the water.  Strangely comforting - like a macro duvet day!

 

The men folk have been beavering away in the library moving a LOT of books over to The Sanctuary.  The Library will become my son and my music room.  I haven't taken music seriously for years - but after a recent inspirational letter from an old school frined I felt a sudden sense of loss.  I gave up performing as a singer and folk musician pretty much as I was ordained.  I was given some advice - can't remember who it was - although I have a suspicion - that as I was to be ordained - now was the moment to move into ministry as my vocation; my life; my duty and at times with a sacrificial heart in the service of others.  Silly advice and left me as half a person during the early years of ministry, trying to please and live up to unhealthy expectations of myself.  I used to be a bit of a religious sentimentalist.  Not even a vocation loves you back - it can lead to a certain rigidity and judgementalness which is lost by being ourselves in service; not killing ourselves with some delusion that only we can do this thing.

 

I have spent many an academic year nurturing those preparing for ministry in the very serious agenda of self care and the theological roots of pastoral care and reflection - in a sense redressing my own hideous mistakes!  Looking back I wish I had attended some of my own classes as an Ordinand!!!!

 

So - an early passion is being revisited.  I have sore pads on my left fingers from picking up a guitar yesterday - but I won't have missed for the world the jamming session with my son on keyboard.  He has an excellent ear.  Today he has ransacked the vestry in the chapel and brought over the drum kit we bought him when he was about 7 to try and help him have something safe to relieve his frustration on!  He has returned from school this holiday able to play quite well, and I have been listening to him drumming alone with us both singing at the tops of our voices Born to Be Wild!!!

 

Saw the New Year in with Maestro Jools Holland.  I am in love with Annie Lennox - an inspiration.  We had watched Mama Mia! and I guess I am the only person on the planet who thought it was seriously rubbish - not even inspiring arrangements - it was a parody of what was already a parody.  Meryl Streep does her best with poor dialogue (I hope the dosh was worth it) and Julie Walters (I adore - and had just finished her biography earlier in the day - which is an OK read - do borrow mine) seemed to be simply making up the numbers.  It must be a national hysterical response to the credit crunch or some such.

 

Back to packing boxes...

I like To Boogey

Off medication again and feeling free to boogey!  Brilliant.

Several things flying round in my head;  firstly, a smashing book by Sandi Toksvig called "Hitler's Canary".  It is ostensibly a children's book but it is a wonderful story, beautifully told about the German occupation of Denmark.  Much to be commended whatever your age.

 

I have also just finished Margaret Atwood's "Alias Grace" a fascinating insight into the treatment of mental health in nineteenth century Canada - but also a jolly good yarn.

 

The first novel was a timely reminder of the power of the story and how so often less is more in the narrative task.  Toksvig's simplicity of language and unaffected style cuts straight to the essence and meaning of the action as Danes resist Nazi attempts to reorganise them.  Atwood's book speaks to me of the skill in presenting contrasting narrative voices.  I loved the format of letters and interviews. I found myself constantly filling in the imaginative 'gaps' where the story had not been told.  I enjoyed being treated as an informed reader and not just as a by-stander to the action.

 

I am putting some thought into planning my new creative space.  At the moment I am sure that mentally I am making the space at least twice the size it is.  There is quite a lot to pack in - but I can't wait.  I will have to be a little patient however - as the space will be used by family before I reconstruct it!  The whole idea has captured my creative energy.  I have a suspicion I may need to be prised out of it from time to time.  I am dying to get in and start using it.

Nesting

So much to share - but I hardly know where to begin!  It is taking some time to get used to feeling this positive about life, the Universe and everything.  I do feel I have had a reprieve and that I have so much to be thankful for that I am in awe.

 

I had a major high a while ago and was delighted by just how much I managed to get done.  I have gone back onto a small dose of medication and I am now coming off that again - so I may well fly once more!  The hyper periods are very productive creatively but there comes a point when my body runs out of steam whilst my head is still charging ahead!  That is a lot less comfortable!

 

I am taking myself very seriously.  I have decided to close The Sanctuary for the next year and take it over as my writing space and studio.  We will turn the current library into a guest bedroom with it's french windows looking out over the shore and the Black Isle.  Friends who have already visited The Sanctuary will be welcome to use this space, with spiritual direction from a local priest if required - or to just come and see us en famille.  This is a time for me to grow as a person and to see my own deepest desires met - and not to seek the meeting of them in the needs of others.

 

I said to someone quite recently "You know, what you need is a nesting box to live in!"  It took me a day or so to realise that I had spoken my own deepest need to have a exclusive space to write and paint and which is pleasant and creative - reflecting a creative future.

 

It will take a month of Sundays to organise - so watch this space!!!

The Edge of God

The Edge of God is now out!  Edited by Nicola Slee, Michael Jagessar and Stephen Burns with a chapter from moi.  It will be launched at Queen's in the New Year.

Buzzing

Spent most of the day continuing with engraving memorial stones.  I painted in the enamel on one stone this morning - but the third layer has run - so I will wait until it has hardened and then wire brush tomorrow.  I rushed it.  Patience is a virtue.

 

The engraving was much more satisfying - like using a minature pneumatic drill.

 

Thoughts have strayed today to rearranging the house.  We are being joined by another person after Christmas who will be living here for a while - and among other things will help out with some of the work in the grounds.  I am moving my study and have been tossing up whether to be truly hermit-like and claim the caravan as a study; move back in to my partner's study; or use our snug  - which has won.  The snug has fantastic views and is just off the kitchen.  I will feel like the Captain on The Starship Enterprise!  Although I love my current study - it will be a joy to have a creative space over looking the shore - so a bonus.

 

I have an addiction - skype.  I am proud of it which is probably shameful...

I don't feel that though.

 

Ideas are coming thick and fast for canvases and writing just now.  Not sure why - but I am filling my ideas book and need to do a series of rough sketches tonight for the canvases.  I feel as though I am buzzing on all cylinders and I am pleased with the quality of what I am producing.

 

Change

I have been giving quite a lot of thought recently to change.  I'm sure you know the joke about how many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?  One - but the light bulb has really got to want to change!

 

I feel like a light bulb.

 

I had a smashing lunch with a friend a few days ago, but like most highly stimulating conversations it left me with questions about myself and no clear answers - at least not immediately.  Anxiety has often encouraged me towards quick resolution - a rather fierce process of exploring options with phenomenal speed and firming conclusions in haste.  I am learning that there are other ways to proceed.  Ironically I am the opposite with others' processes.  I like to provide space for people's hearts and minds to play and discover and not to tie them down.  An approach I rarely award to my own psyche.  Ironic.

 

In recent days I am owning my anger more directly.  My parents both had powerful tempers and I watched that impact on an older sibling.  I learnt from birth how to moderate my behaviour so that I did not have to face the consequences he did. Depression is anger imploded.  It would be much healthier in my case if it were outside me rather than inside!

 

So, I have returned to an informative, but rather irritating book called "The Facts: Personality Disorder" (Krawitz, Roy; Jackson, Wendy 2008 Oxford: University Press) because in amongst it's sometimes fatuous commentary - there are some questions for personal reflection.

 

How will I benefit from change?

I found it tempting to give the acceptable answers - the ones that win positive strokes - rather than the ones which resonate in my deepest self with all its confusions, damage and hope.

 

I will be challenged.  This feels positive to me - encouraging. 

I may experience a greater sense of personal acceptance.

I may well not take myself too seriously - but much more seriously than I do right now.

I will continue to surprise myself.

I will be stimulated by the journey.

 

What are the positive things about change?

 

Reflection.  Space.  A break in brain traffic or hopefully a slowing down of my thought processes.

 

What are the negative things about change?

 

Emotionally demanding.  Scarey - will I loose the parts I have grown to love? 

What if my future connections mean I loose the respect of those I most admire?

What if I creep back into familiar territory and feel I can't change.

What if I beat myself to a pulp or let those who will dislike the changes do that for me?

 

What will happen if I change?

 

Goodness only knows.  Positive words come to mind.

Liberation.  Hope.  Creativity.  Excitement.  Confidence.  Righteous targeted anger.

Negative thoughts lurk in the shadows:

I can't be bthered.

Why should I?

In a minute ... when I feel better.

(The inner child will out!)

 

Are there things about change I am concerned about?

 

The first change - not meeting my own exacting standards.

 

Is change important?

 

Would I have got this far in the reflection questions if it wasn't?  Doh.

Yes it is.  For me.  It is a positive sign I am alive and becoming.

 

Is change important now?

 

Very much so - but I want it to be holistic rather than superficial.  It won't be enough to simply take on a new character and learn the script - I suspect this is more about paring back the need to be acceptable to others until I discern what is pleasing and acceptable to myself.

 

What do I need to do to maintain the hope that change is possible?

 

Believe my two personal motivators:

Fear is courage waiting to happen.

What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?

 

What do I need to do to give me more confidence that I can change?

 

Trust.  Hope and gentleness towards my own being.

 

I am reminded again of Helen Keller:

Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing at all.

 

Artificial Intelligence

It has been an age since I last blogged ... Father, forgive me.

My computer has been very, very ill and out of action for a few weeks.  Whether it was failing with old age or something else caused the problem, I don't know, but to cut a long, tedious story short, a wonderful man put a new hard drive in and another will be saving the contents I have failed to back up from the old hard drive.  The consequence has been that I have been bereft without all the things that form my literary, socila ans creative comfort blanket - the contents of my laptop.

On a personal note I have stopped taking all my drugs apart from a small maintenance dose of antidepressant.  Cold Turkey was no fun.  I was shocked about their power and the urge to escape the worst of the side effects as I came off.  Still, the great news is that after weeks, nay months of walking stiffly; my joints in agonising pain; mouth sores and a head filled with nothing; not to mention absolutley no desire to do anything much, I feel alive again.  It has been brilliant to meet my old self - except she's different and I like her better than I ever have.  I have so much energy I am bubbling.  I look good too.  I've put masses of weight on - but that is coming off as I exercise more.  Hair is too long - but with the snow it has it's uses.  I feel as though I have been given another chance to claim life.

Our son is home this week and it has been an absolute joy.  He is maturing beautifully and we have talked about music and paintings - and life. 

Humphrey, the gorgeous Newfoundland, is growing still and is now just over six months.

I am looking out at the world with a grin on my face.  I am enjoying my reprieve.

Indulgence

I have had a pleasantly indulgent afternoon ordering Christmas gifts for nearest and dearest.  I feel chirpy about Christmas for the first time in years and I am trying to get a little ahead of my usual practice of either buying things when I see them and then squirrelling them away in secret locations in the house which are so secret that come December I can't remember where I put them.  They usually turn up eventually - but too late for that year - and are then hidden in a new safe location for the following Yule by which time, yes, I've forgotten them again!  This year I know the cupboard is bare - so I can start again!  The great thing has been that I haven't needed to leave my study - apart from puppy peeing expeditions.

Nutmeg, our rabbit is now indoors in her winter quarters - this year she is in my study and will free run in the kitchen - or outside.  The evenings are getting much cooler - and although we are resisting firing up the central heating (the credit crunch bites) we have set up a couple of electric fires.  Humphrey (the teenage Newf') meanwhile languishes in the driving rain with his head to the wind and ears flying.  He is built for the sea.

I have revised something important today - which I often forget - the importance of not thinking too much; stopping when I need to and starting without knowing what, where or most excitingly how I will finish.  The playfulness I have lost in recent years is back for now and gently wiggling at the nature of her existence.

I'm a Barbie Girl...

For some reason I have been unable to get the pop song "I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie World" out of my head this morning.  A certain lighteness of spirit is noted - although I detest the song!

I am cutting medication, gently.  I have loved the benefits.  I no longer have a sluggish demenaour imposed by the sedative qualities of one of the drugs - and I have more energy. 

I am gradually making key decisions about the present and the future.  I have never been a challenger of the status quo on my own behalf although at times a powerful advocate for others.  I am gradually practising a new way of being.  Instead of dismissing myself and my individual giftedness quite so readily - "It's all my fault, I am going into the garden to eat worms".  I imagine and visualise what is in the best interests of my most desired self.  Of course to find my Desired Self I've had to do a fair bit of excavating and there's still a good bit of scaffolding in place holding up the shakier parts, but the essence is not only there but confident in the deepest sense of knowing that I am being as much me as I can be right now.  I am surprised how particular I am; positively fussy.

Interestingly Desired Self needs to lose some weight and regain a level of fitness - but not nearly as much weight as I had previously assumed.  Desired Self is a born teacher, creator, advocate and befriender.  Desired Self knows her limitations but more importantly her unique combination of strengths.  Desired Self is seeking healthy relationshios which break old, destructive habits and encourage transation and mutuality rather than colusion and co- dependency. Desired Self is Anxious Self's kindest and most determined friend.  She knows when to add pressure and when to snuggle up beside.

In reality one of the healthiest relationships I have just now are with my dogs - where the relationship is in the now and involves a good deal of mutual affection.  Dogs are uncomplicated and clear in their signals - they are great to practise emotionally healthy living on!

I am choosing carefully what I am picking up again - even frienships.  In this next period I need to have some friends who are emotionally stronger than me in order to help role model - and these are about.  I have volunteered to get involved in HUG which is a highland charity advocating around mental health issues.  I am taking myself very seriously indeed.

Stay True

As I write a puppy (ownership is now disputed - "Look what your dog is doing!") is moving methodically through the study 'collecting items' - rather like a womble.  Overnight our beautifully docile Newfie has become 4 months old and with it he has discovered sex; being stroppy; climbing on the bed and marching round the house with a bath mat in his mouth!  Adolescence in dog terms doesn't last forever - but - for now - "Leave" and "No" are being used alongside the usual "Good Boy" and "Where's Mummy's Beautiful Butterfly?"  (If you have seen the animation It's a Bug's Life you'll remember the caterpillar Henrich - obese and desperate to be a butterfly.  One day he sprouts the tiniest wings and his friends, realising he can never fly unaided, help him launch into the air - "I'm a Beautiful Butterfly!"  The Caterfly is heard to cry with great joy.  Humph could pass for a very round creature of indeterminate fluffieness (20.45kg).

Heard today from one of my oldest friends after a long pause.  We have both been ill in not dissimilar ways.  It was a joy to be in contact.  Her timely gift was greatly appreciated too.

We believe in spreading blessings too.  Generosity breeds generosity.

A day of jobs and a smashing lunch with a friend in a restaurant I didn't know.  It was a great time; shared ideas and experiences.  She is becoming a very valued person in my life.

Good to talk through how I manage Borderline Personality Disorder with someone who cares hugely but won't humour me!  I think it is brilliant when folk summon the courage to actually ask what they want to know.  I do understand that a lot of people do feel their mental health is very personal and they don't want to discuss it - but I think it is important - for me and others - that if I can talk about what it is like - it might go some way to dispelling some of the contemporary myths and prejudices surrounding mental health.

Blood test this morning.  Lots of phials filled - the practical part of managing medication.  It's a good job I am not squeamish in the least.

Explored Fortrose after lunch in the pouring rain!  It is a very attractive little place - full of atmosphere.  Went down to a scenery observation point and gazed out into the mist over the Firth in the certain knowledge that on a clear day we can see acrosss to our home.