I have been giving quite a lot of thought recently to change. I'm sure you know the joke about how many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? One - but the light bulb has really got to want to change!
I feel like a light bulb.
I had a smashing lunch with a friend a few days ago, but like most highly stimulating conversations it left me with questions about myself and no clear answers - at least not immediately. Anxiety has often encouraged me towards quick resolution - a rather fierce process of exploring options with phenomenal speed and firming conclusions in haste. I am learning that there are other ways to proceed. Ironically I am the opposite with others' processes. I like to provide space for people's hearts and minds to play and discover and not to tie them down. An approach I rarely award to my own psyche. Ironic.
In recent days I am owning my anger more directly. My parents both had powerful tempers and I watched that impact on an older sibling. I learnt from birth how to moderate my behaviour so that I did not have to face the consequences he did. Depression is anger imploded. It would be much healthier in my case if it were outside me rather than inside!
So, I have returned to an informative, but rather irritating book called "The Facts: Personality Disorder" (Krawitz, Roy; Jackson, Wendy 2008 Oxford: University Press) because in amongst it's sometimes fatuous commentary - there are some questions for personal reflection.
How will I benefit from change?
I found it tempting to give the acceptable answers - the ones that win positive strokes - rather than the ones which resonate in my deepest self with all its confusions, damage and hope.
I will be challenged. This feels positive to me - encouraging.
I may experience a greater sense of personal acceptance.
I may well not take myself too seriously - but much more seriously than I do right now.
I will continue to surprise myself.
I will be stimulated by the journey.
What are the positive things about change?
Reflection. Space. A break in brain traffic or hopefully a slowing down of my thought processes.
What are the negative things about change?
Emotionally demanding. Scarey - will I loose the parts I have grown to love?
What if my future connections mean I loose the respect of those I most admire?
What if I creep back into familiar territory and feel I can't change.
What if I beat myself to a pulp or let those who will dislike the changes do that for me?
What will happen if I change?
Goodness only knows. Positive words come to mind.
Liberation. Hope. Creativity. Excitement. Confidence. Righteous targeted anger.
Negative thoughts lurk in the shadows:
I can't be bthered.
Why should I?
In a minute ... when I feel better.
(The inner child will out!)
Are there things about change I am concerned about?
The first change - not meeting my own exacting standards.
Is change important?
Would I have got this far in the reflection questions if it wasn't? Doh.
Yes it is. For me. It is a positive sign I am alive and becoming.
Is change important now?
Very much so - but I want it to be holistic rather than superficial. It won't be enough to simply take on a new character and learn the script - I suspect this is more about paring back the need to be acceptable to others until I discern what is pleasing and acceptable to myself.
What do I need to do to maintain the hope that change is possible?
Believe my two personal motivators:
Fear is courage waiting to happen.
What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?
What do I need to do to give me more confidence that I can change?
Trust. Hope and gentleness towards my own being.
I am reminded again of Helen Keller:
Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing at all.
Hi Jane, you seem highly energised and creative these days...great to see it. Perhaps you should take up mathematics, understanding how life works on numbers might give you the insights and perspectives you search for? A bonus could be rolling numbers logic into your creative art? Pablo.
Posted by: Pablo Tyke | 11/18/2008 at 01:18 PM