For some reason I have been unable to get the pop song "I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie World" out of my head this morning. A certain lighteness of spirit is noted - although I detest the song!
I am cutting medication, gently. I have loved the benefits. I no longer have a sluggish demenaour imposed by the sedative qualities of one of the drugs - and I have more energy.
I am gradually making key decisions about the present and the future. I have never been a challenger of the status quo on my own behalf although at times a powerful advocate for others. I am gradually practising a new way of being. Instead of dismissing myself and my individual giftedness quite so readily - "It's all my fault, I am going into the garden to eat worms". I imagine and visualise what is in the best interests of my most desired self. Of course to find my Desired Self I've had to do a fair bit of excavating and there's still a good bit of scaffolding in place holding up the shakier parts, but the essence is not only there but confident in the deepest sense of knowing that I am being as much me as I can be right now. I am surprised how particular I am; positively fussy.
Interestingly Desired Self needs to lose some weight and regain a level of fitness - but not nearly as much weight as I had previously assumed. Desired Self is a born teacher, creator, advocate and befriender. Desired Self knows her limitations but more importantly her unique combination of strengths. Desired Self is seeking healthy relationshios which break old, destructive habits and encourage transation and mutuality rather than colusion and co- dependency. Desired Self is Anxious Self's kindest and most determined friend. She knows when to add pressure and when to snuggle up beside.
In reality one of the healthiest relationships I have just now are with my dogs - where the relationship is in the now and involves a good deal of mutual affection. Dogs are uncomplicated and clear in their signals - they are great to practise emotionally healthy living on!
I am choosing carefully what I am picking up again - even frienships. In this next period I need to have some friends who are emotionally stronger than me in order to help role model - and these are about. I have volunteered to get involved in HUG which is a highland charity advocating around mental health issues. I am taking myself very seriously indeed.
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