Are the voices in my head too loud for you?

Questions and Contemplations

A big thank you to everyone who has been e-mailing me with reflections, comments and questions regarding creating community.  Some extremely important issues have been raised.  The three questions that have appeared in a variety of guises are:

What would this community be for?

What would the community do?

How would we manage conflict, particularly when a relationship within the community and with an individual broke down in a way which felt beyond help?

I would very much value feedback in all three areas.  I have been reflecting a little in recent days on each of these.  My initial reaction when I heard the first two questions raised was to think they had been covered in earlier blogs and the discussion documents.  That is partially true - but there is always more to be said.  When I began to blog about the possibility of setting up a community, many of the thoughts expressed by all of us interested in the concept were tentative and very provisional.  Mine even more than most in some ways.  Perhaps, now, when we don't have the pressure of considering a particular path offered by a property or location, it is a good time to step back and ask again some absolutely fundamental questions about the nature of what we hope to do.

What would community be for?

We started with thoughts of Christian witness and even subverting by example and role modelling some of the secularising elements of contemporary western society.  From within the whole idea of community I guess I was operating from the basic model we created when we first set up The Sanctuary.  As we prayed and created the space we now have, we settled on the following guiding principles:

To be a seeker searching for spiritual authenticity with practical implications in every day life.

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To be open to transformation in myself and others.

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To be compassionate and ethical in my care of all that is created.

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To seek justice and act with integrity.

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To be creative and celebrate my own uniqueness.

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To be in community with others to whom I am accountable.

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To forgive myself, other people and my God.

Alongside attempting to live these principles, my belief is that a community who pray together and share things in common - possessions (a chapel and maybe workshop or studio in our case) emotional and intellectual concerns, fellowship, prayer and worship, can grow into a formidable spiritual focus for good in the world.  Unpacked further I have decribed this theologically as being blessed, broken and distributed for Christ.  In practice, I believe community life centred on prayer, work and fellowship within an extended 'household' can be a centre for 'metanoia' (transformation) of the individual; the community; and the world.

If we take the potential of prayer seriously then at the very least it has the capacity to dramatically alter our own understanding and perspective.  At the very best, it is the very fibre that holds the cosmos in it's place - it is the language of love, relationship, the mystical and the unknowable.  If a community centre themselves on a life which is focused around a life authentically lived it is saying something powerful about what matters to human beings and to the world.  Community would be for others - that others might claim life and live it in abundance.  Community is for us to learn how to be more fully ourselves and to celebrate others being the same.

From outside community, looking in I can see we could be  a source of inspiration and encouragement; a place of nurture, hospitality and hope.  I am sure some will challenge and misunderstand our motivation - that's the nature of human beings and relationship.  I think we could be refreshingly different because we are trying to do something which is not often seen in community.  We are attempting to breakdown the conventional dynamics of co-dependency that often inadvertently evolve in these contexts.

One way we are doing this is through the independence of each community member to own their plot and live on it how they choose.  There is perhaps a little less flexibility for those on lower incomes or who choose to stay for shorter periods in community - but I think we are seeking from the outset the encourage people to own who they are by acknowledging their stories so far - the gains and the pain.  The founders of this community will have to be special people.  Open-handed and generous minded about themselves and other people - they will be the cornerstones for all that follows.

We may well be construed as dreamers and idealists.  I suspect this will mostly be by people who have never lived for an extended period in community.  Anyone who knows what it is like realises  it is the most honing of experiences.  You are called to be present for others and to repeatedly recall that you have neither a monopoly on insight nor process.  We are all changed by interrelating and engaging with others. 

There is an intensity which accompanies community living which is challenging because it is relentless.  Even with the very gentle Rule of Life I am proposing of regular worship, the sharing of a meal together each week or so, and some time to housekeep together - we will be amazed at how often individuals will 'rub each other up the wrong way' or misunderstandings will occur.  These are healthy signs that people and the process we are engaged in matter - but they have an intensity and demand a level of commitment and non-avoidance which is not even readily modelled in family life.  In most families those adept at avoidance can exist quite happily in their comfort zones as other family members compensate for their emotional, intellectual or physical absence.  Not so easy in community where we are held in accountable relationship with one another.

So Utopia it is not.

Loving, fun, unusual, challenging, hopeful and creative it is.

What would community do?

I guess the answer is whatever individuals can afford to do and which is legal!  This is a difficult question to address until we know who will be in the founding membership.  Some, like myself, may work from home.  Others I hope will be 'active' or 'not so active' retired.  A few will work in employment which takes them elsewhere to work. For other people  I don't imagine for one minute we will all be busy, busy, busy.  But some will need to be because they still have young families - or bills and mortgages to pay.  Whatever vocational path an individual or household is called to follow, it is important the person feels supported in prayer, fellowship and practical ways for the task they feel called to undertake.

Alongside the recognition of the personal callings, there needs to also be the space to respond to those who use The Sanctuary or who come to stay for longer periods.  How involved an individual is in this will depend on their values, skills and experience.

Managing conflict?

Never easy - and we do need to begin to think this through.

At the moment I think that a person expressing unhappiness at their lot as a community member, would go through some sort of discernment process to leave.  There are a number of things to consider.  Has the person experienced this level of feeling in other contexts?  Is there more that could be reasonably done to help the person feel more settled?  Can the person identify the cause of the difficulty(ies)?  Is the situation resolvable?  If the answers suggest there is little or no room for the person to evolve a sense that community living is bringing them life - then it is surely time for the person to move on.  I feel we should offer as much help as the person feels able to receive from us to make a positive, fresh start.  As I see life as a process - I do not personally see times of transitions and change as failure or success - they are part of the process of becoming more fully ourselves.  I would certainly encourage partings to be marked properly - so there is a sense of genuine closure as far as possible.

Grievances should be handled by a procedure which is agreed and honoured by all members of community.  This would need to be evolved as part of our founding, shared agreement.  There are many models for this, but the process of active listening; reflecting what has been heard and seeking constructive resolution is a common pattern with review built in at various stages.

Disputes are more difficult - and perhaps we return to the guiding principles for how these can be handled.  I am not a great fan of community meetings where 'charges' or 'accusations' are presented.  My preferred way of working would be for those individuals who are in disagreement to attempt resolution between themselves with as few others involved in the process as possible.  Taking sides can be destructive,.  When this is not possible then others inside the community would need to be involved.  Often disputes are rooted in fear, projection and/or misunderstanding.  Negativity can be debilitating and feel very threatening and disturbing.  It is therefore hugely important that we evolve effective and appropriate ways of sharing negative feelings and thoughts as well as emphasisimg encoragement and blessing in our thoughts, dealings and conversations about  and with each other.

Well, I guess this is a start...

farewell to roeberry house, orkney

sad day.  we have taken the decision to withdraw from the process of exploring purchasing roeberry.  we have thrown in the towel for all the right, pragmatic reasons, but it was a powerful dream while it lasted, and i feel sure we will look back on this time and see it as the dress  rehearsal for the main event.  very moving and powerful even if it wasn't the one.  it certainly helped me firm up what i think we need - and are looking for. 

there was so much in the short to medium term that felt right about the house.  as a family home it would have been wonderful - and a little quirky.  us.  but we aren't looking for an unusual family home.  that would be a bonus if we get this too.  right now i'd settle for a static caravan and a view.

i think it's fair to say roeberry challenged different people in varying ways; sea crossing; remotness; community; maintenace of property and so on.  roeberry had the potential on a number of levels to be pretty much spot on - once retreatants and community members had got over the shock that it was on orkney.

the problem that finally sunk the house as the base for the community was our discussion with the planning department in kirkwall.  the grounds and outbuildings are laid out in such a way that it looked an excellent prospect for a partial conversion (stables, loft and garage plus stores) combined with a series of new builds to house community members alongside singles living in part of the main house - and retreatants in a purpose converted outbuilding with good disability access etc...  thank god we made detailed enquiries at this stage and had a clear idea of what we would need (in theory).  policy for this part of south ronaldsay is unequivocal. development should only be on an existing footprint and be driven by providing accommodation for agricultural or re-forestation workers housing.  tourism can be considered - but i had the sense this was a stickier wicket.  besides, the reality is that we don't want to build a set of holiday homes and become a tourist stopover - we want to create a place of retreat and creativity.

clearly all those seriously interested in the community project have also been beavering away on google and similar to get the low-down on island life.  forty foot waves in the pentland firth last november certainly add a sense of swashbuckling adventure (STV covered an item including this gem today).  care systems, education and health all sounded excellent.  distinctive. proud. efficient and concerned to maintain quality in island life.

there was so much there on the island that was attractive - but now we know roeberry isn't for us - i am inclined to visit next in winter before i look at any more houses on the island - seriously.  this property also had huge time constraints with a family who need to be moved and settled in their new location - well - yesterday.  so there wasn't the sense of time and space to think that we enjoyed when we purchased our current home.  we would have had trouble hitting their dates - whatever we had decided.

inevitably we also did some research over the pricing of the property.  we are fortunate that in the distant past s thought he might train as a surveyor - it turned out not to be his thing - but he looks at buildings and assesses them with a surveyor's eye.  if all the remedial works are completed - it looks a sound enough building - but maintenance costs with 12' ceilings have to be considered.  our guess is, that having viewed, we would have been a disappointment in terms of our offer too.  it wouldn't be worth £500k plus to us.  might well have done if it was on the mainland of scotland - but alas...

for now we mark the end of a flurry of excited, hopeful activity and allow the adrenalin to settle.  we look forward to checking out other possibilities - but we are in no hurry.  i have a wrist and hand to mend - and then so much to do to catch up.

when we find the place, i think we will know it.  i suspect we won't need many words either to decide - if that makes sense.  it's probably the medication.  wrist is still killing.  legs hard to walk on - i look like a blueberry muffin - purple blotches on squiggy skin.

processes of trust

bit sorry for myself today.  battered and bruised - visited accident and emergency again as wrist is swelling and feeling uncomfortable.  i am being impatient and not resting enough.  reassured, but disappointed.  the healing will take longer than i had anticipated - six weeks or so.  my expletives were colourful.  as always timing is impeccable ... not.

sleep restored perspective.

medication gives life a gentle, pink hue.

good time to make life changing decisions.

probably.

far less complicated than when i am firing on all cylinders.

lots of very powerful and moving conversations regarding discerning a future base for the resident community today.  there is a great deal to consider and inevitably we all have different overriding concerns.  ultimately keeping the channels of communication open, healthy and fluid are key.  we are founders together of a vision - and we are, therefore, a blessing to each other and potentially to those we will settle alongside.

roeberry, the island retreat, sits on her pennisular and beckons seductively.  despite other possibilities that pop up from time to time in other parts of the country, i am aware that this house has a siren call.  part of it for me is that she inhabits a small and therefore knowable world with few inhabitants and places.  even i can master the layout of the islands with my partial sight.  part of the attraction is that the location is so very different topographically.  it is unexpected.  it makes you think differently.  human beings are not in control of this landscape.  they have to work respectfully with the landscape and the weather.  aircraft and ferries move when it is safe to do so - humanity is kept in its place in a way.  reminded it is part of an eco-system and not the puppet master of the planet's destiny.  the island lifestyle challenges theologically, spiritually and socially several assumptions about what is important.  it isn't comfortable or predictable.  reading the blogs of orcadians, quite clearly island life is a social and practical leveller.  whether it's the wind (pretty much constant) or attending the film show in the community hall - people gather and re-group, exchange information and, by all accounts, support.  this is challenging of course, orcadian communities must be much the same as anywhere with a mix of personalities and experience - not to mention resistence to in-comers.  much as i would love to live in a fantasy world which is a cross between 'whisky galore' and shangri-la, i recognise wherever we move to we will be bringing our emotional experince - and we will be gathering with others who have their own stories to tell.  we will be settling, nesting alongside very ancient ways of living.

for now i am gathering others thoughts on what island life might mean for them.  i am also attempting to get my head around how the property could be utilised.

i am excited.

i am also concerned.

i feel like a shepherd whose responsibility is to facilitate the grazers to find fertile soil where they will grow and fulfil their vocations, for through that process i will be well on my way to fulfilling mine.

roeberry zones

i am writing in lower case because i am typing with two fingers of my right hand only.  very e.e. cummings.  yesterday i had a nasty fall.  now i am sporting a fractured hand and a wrist with bone splintered off; a black eye which would rival a champion boxer's; a bruised shoulder -  the shape of the bruise is strangely reminiscent of iona - is this a sign; and damaged right knee - tissue and bruising has caused the knee to swell and makes me feel as though i am walking on molten lava shock absorbers.  i feel i got off lightly though.  i tripped on uneven paving between wards where i work as a volunteer chaplain.  it must have caused quite a stir when the ambulance arrived to pick up an employee as it were.  colleagues were brilliant.  i felt very well looked after, but it was quite a shock.  once i'd fallen i was sure i had really badly messed up my already smashed up right knee.  i had a serious road traffic accident in the mid 1980s which has left me with the knee of an 80 year old. hence my reluctance to kneel to pray or genuflect.   this morning i thought my right knee was permanently stuck - it got going though - and i am so relieved that the damage to that part of my body at least is mostly bruising.

i am officially slowed down - the swelling in my hand is amazingly impressive - and i have painkillers that look like rhino knock out drops - no comments please.

on tuesday we went over to orkney as planned.

it was a perfect day to visit a future potential home because it was cold - wax jacket, scarf and gloves while the south of england baked.  it rained or drizzled much of the day - and the sun shone for a minute or two - long enough though for me to plead with it to go in again because, as i watched the light dance on the water, there was an increasing danger i would become utterly smitten with the island and throw all caution to the wind and become a woman possessed.  c.s. lewis said 'beware a woman with a mission'.

before i say much about the property i need to mention that the last e-mail from the owner suggests that she might be about to receive a cash offer from an american-orcadian on a site unseen basis - so what i am about to write could well be kicked into touch by the ebullience of a trans-atlantic bidder. 

i know the family at the house need to move swiftly so i can only wish them well whilst still needing to explore further from our community experience perspective what we need and whether roeberry, south ronaldsay could work with us and for us. by comparison we must seem to them like terrible slow tops - but this is a big decision for us - and we really don't want to be faffed with moving again or to make a mistake which impacts on the dreams of our brothers and sisters - thus aborting the embryonic aspirations of shared community.

orkney - i adored. it must be love that i'm feelin'.

it is very different - the lack of trees is startling but it makes the place distinctive too.  no traffic lights on the island; no foxes; the lowest crime rate in britain.  some cultural and ethnic mix with asian, chinese, polish and other european folks settling - first and second generations.  kirkwall, the capital is like a small english market town fifty years ago.  contemporary shops in minature with old fashioned values of politeness and friendliness. very beguiling and safe-feeling.  people work hard to get on together.

roeberry is about a twenty-five minute drive from the capital and a five minute drive from the village of st margaret hope.  the village, on the shore, of the pentland firth provides the ferry 'terminal' for the hour crossing to gills bay - the scottish mainland - six miles away.  for those who have spent time with us here - a useful image to hold in mind is the view from the garden across to the black isle.  the moray firth is about four miles across where we are.  the distance from gills bay to south ronaldsay where the ferry lands is about six miles.  the house - five minutes up the hill. the scottish mainland visible from the house.

the pentland firth is renown for some cross currents - our crossing was murky but uneventful - going was slow in places because of current - but it didn't feel too choppy - but this is june.  the vessel carries cars, lorries and people - so is pretty substantial.  the crossing took about one hour fifteen and you have to queue for half an hour at least before you are loaded onto the ferry - and it takes a few minutes to get everyone off once you arrive on the island.  you need to be a confident driver - there's backing involved.

st margaret hope has an intimate fishing village feeling with post office, grocery store and general store.  there's an inn, backpacker hostel, old-fashioned telephone box, gallery and a scattering of bed and breakfast establishments. 

we did our recce of the village and headed off to kirkwall.

kirkwall surpassed expectations - offering all the ammenities and steeped in history.  i was caught by the relaxed style of the place and the sense of openness and trust.  st. magnus cathedral dominates.  i was only sorry we didn't have time to explore it.

we drove back and viewed roeberry.  there was masses to take in.

the grounds are magical.  a coppice of sycamore with blubells took my breath away.  it had a magical quality and a delightful atmosphere.  apparently various family pets are buried there from the previous owner's era.  the property remained with the family that built it in 1861 until it was sold a couple of years ago.  there are masonic symbols on pinnacles at roof level on the house.  it was also used for interring prisoners of war.

the property has 4.2 acres divided into a series of walled rooms with some open pastureland and the coppice.  there are two stables, various stores, two garages, a loft which has outline planning permission, and a semi-derelict summer house.

the garden is beautifully planted but a little neglected - it would need very little love to breath life back into it.

chickens and a feral cat come with the house.

the house is another matter.  it is substantial - 7 bedrooms - 2 with en suite, 1 with a shower room and all the rest with washbasins.  there's a substatial drawing room, dining room, library, snug, sitting room, large kitchen with a stanley and large cooking range, cloakroom, downstairs bathroom, laundry room and downstairs bedroom with en suite.  huge.

part of the house offers a small flat with a tiny kitchen - the former staff quarters but this doesn't have independent access.

it's a quirky house.  there's a sense in which it's a fur coat and no knickers property - with a lot of gorgeous original features in the public rooms and a rather less embellished first floor.  a surprising kitchen BUT it is very individual - and i can imagine community being founded and created here.  sustained there - that's the question.

finding the property has been wonderful - just when i was beginning to think we would never find a place we could afford and do what we needed to it - roeberry appeared.

where it initially caught me proved not to be significant in the end which is interesting.  occasionally i have visions.  with some earthed and pragmatic spiritual direction over the years i have ceased to see these as disturbing but as windows into a possible future reality.  possible is the keyword - there can be a strong element of wish-fulfilment or even need manifestation.  for these reasons i take visions seriously.  i saw my foster daughter and my son - long before they were physically manifest in my life.  i saw myself doing a particular job - which came to be - although at the time of the vision i didn't know the place or recognise quite what i was doing there.

in one vision i saw the outline of part of a garden.  the community is founded.  i am an elderly woman walking with sticks.  i can hear voices and see the plants and a high stone wall with an arched opening.  there is a large wooden door with old fashioned furnishings.  since then houses with high stone walls with wooden gates...

...i take houses with these appendages seriously whilst also remembering they may represent just one potential reality.  the atmosphere in the walled garden wasn't the same as in the vision...  roeberry can be explored on it's own merits therefore without additional intuition/interference.

the gardens at roeberry are glorious but untamed.

the house ticks many boxes.

with additional rented pasture it would be possible to offer sanctuary for animals.

the flat although not self-contained could offer a haven home.

the stores would convert to make the sanctuary.

some land could be used for a further build.

big questions are:

would people come

is the psychological gap of the pentland firth just a step or perhaps a paddle too far

the facilities for care, disabled people, special needs etc... are impressive on the island as are the cultural pursuits, but what would we miss

would we always be incomers

i believe god's call is to create and found community - i long for a distinctive place for this to happen.  lindisfarne, iona, could it be orkney - or do we all feel at a heart level that mainland uk is where we need to be - or perhaps another island...

i know some of us have a huge attachment for mull.  i am nervous about building community there because of the proximity to iona and the inevitable confusion that would result, but i would be very interested to reflect further on what it is about mull which feels good and positive.

so much.

anyone free on 18th june - 19th/20th for a trip to orkney.

Touching Place

I love returning home.  There's no two ways about it I am essentially a home-loving creature.  I wonder if part of this is to do with the fact that I have actually moved around a lot in my adult life.  I think the urge to root as I move in to middle age is getting more urgent and stronger!

I live in a beautiful spot - and that adds to the delight too.

Part of this is, I am sure, about comfort zones - the need to have a place where I can be as well as do.  I have to say I have never worked so consistently or at such depth anywhere as I do at home.  Sometimes I wonder if I am slightly autistic in this sense.  I rather like predictability - it seems to free me up to be with my own inner reality and reflections!

As I approach my birthday I have, unusually, some time to think about where I am and what's going on in my life.  In recent years more often than not - for all sorts of reasons - birthdays have not been easy things to celebrate.  One of the challenges of fostering is that anniversaries are not always easy times for children who have experince trauma.  We have tended to play down birthday 'celebrations' because they can be overly stimulating - and a highly emotive time - when if something does go wrong - it matters.  So, over the years, we have got used to playing down celebrations.  That makes this year extra special.  I don't have to let my birthday pass.  I can celebrate it and enjoy it.  Bit ironic then, that I will still be on antibiotics - no alcohol - and feeling a bit off colour on the big day.  Grrrrh.

Still, before I disappear into the quagmire of self pity - I have the space - whilst feeling woozy - to think.  Because my brain is very cotton wool at the minute I am not wrestling with myself trying to see all the angles and possibilities.  Instead it feels as though a lot of the secondary 'voices' in my head are snoozing at the minute - so a primary narrative is being heard loud and clear.  This is powerful and important because it is a rare occurence.  Generally I focus on meeting other people's needs and often forget to take full account of my own.  Just now, my brain is taking account of the me-ness of me.  It's enlightening.

I was listening to someone recently talking about what keeps them going spiritually.  My 'list' would have been very similar when I was in a parish setting - going about priestly duties all day every day.

Now, the challanges are different. My world is the world of spirituality and creativity.  The counter-balance; the presenting need is difference.  The fanatasy me would love trips to the theatre and opera - holidays abroad and so on - but the real me - doesn't seem to crave these things - and even senses they might be something of an intrusion.  Much as I love the RSC - I get as much out of sitting and reading a script.  "Henry V" should be in production right now - it is very timely for a country at war.  "Richard II" HRH Harry should read.

In the next year ME requests the pleasure of:

Solitude and silence but also laughter and companionship.

Greenishness - I feel a passion emerging for greenness.  I love the It's not easy being green series on BBC 2.

Paint - more painting.

Continued empathy - inner acceptance.

Learn how to garden.

Together these are my touching place.  How different the list is from even 10 years ago.  Jubilate Deo!

Invitations, connections and challenges

Fascinatingly complex and interesting few days.  Found myself teaching once again at the monastery this last weekend.  We are approaching the end of the academic year so students undergoing their training for ministry inevitably feel stressed with exams approaching and assignments due.  In amongst the gathering of so many individuals for a weekend of formational learning, there was a sense of commonality and from that, over time, community will grow.

We were exploring themes around soul befrinding this weekend and active listening.  We were challeneged to think more deeply after a powerful lecture entitled Looking at the back of God.  A timely reminder that to enjoy the light and joy of pilgrimage, obedience and blessing - we must also acknowledge in our deepest heart place the darkness - the inner vulnerability of not knowing - of recognising the inconsistency and sometimes the banality of an uncritical faith position.

Connections came for me in lacing up past and present.

Old resonances and new interpretations.

Stimulating and invigorating - a rare moment of feeling fully at home in self and in the moment.

Invitations and thwarted ambitions came into my mind.

Years ago, as a young curate, I longed more than anything else to join a spirituality group in my Diocese.  For all sorts of reasons it did not happen.  I felt left out.  I can remember subsequently describing the group in the most hurtful terms as The Magic Circle and implying some of what they did was little more than spiritual masturbation.  These days I can look back and see how hard I took the exclusion - and how little, at the time I was able to appreciate the subtleness of the love in the choices made.  I wasn't being excluded but I wasn't being encouraged to hot house and grow too quickly either.  I needed at that time to concentrate on other things; getting on top of the full-time demands of ministry as a Curate; taking good care of myself and those I love; finding my own style and emphasis - realising something of the uniqueness of calling.  Hard to accept that others had got my number and that their advice was both wise and timely.  Thank you.

This weekend took me full circle and I had much to celebrate and give thanks for.  I was caught during a rare, still, quiet moment before one of the morning Offices at the weekend delighting in just how many wise people have encouraged, supported and positively celebrated the journey I have chosen.

An Archdeacon who chaired my selection conference - and from whom a birthday parcel was received this morning - in preparation for my 46th nativity on Saturday.  The priest who taught me so much about pastoral care when I was a lay assistant and later a Reader in training.  Dead now, I can remember him saying quite simply - listen well and pray hard for those you meet, but most especially for yourself.

A lay woman who supported and nurtured me through training for ministry and beyond.

A priest who became my spiritual director and taught me about silence and how to sit still.

A Bishop who ordained a young rabbit in the headlights of an ordinand and then facilitated her growth, becoming after his retirement, her soul friend for a while.

So many saints for the Kingdom.  Rooted, earthed, real people who are not frighten to be who they are in the fullest sense and by doing so gave me permission to do the same.

Just today I was in touch with the Curate of the church I attended as an adult convert to Christianity.  Memories of well-constructed sermons and thoughtful teaching, flooded my mind.

So many, many things to remember and give thanks for.

I felt such a strong connectedness this weekend that I am still exploring it in my deepest being.

Just for now:

The expectation

in the silence

is that the reaching out is to be

anticipated.

When all is said

and done,

I have taken the time

to be here.

The very least,

I expected

was that you would turn up.

Be around

for the connecting to,

the acknowledging and working up

of existence.

The longed for silence

has been shattered

by searing, aggitated nothingness.

Mismatching anxiety and insecurity.

suppressing

expectation of presence.

Then into the disturbance,

through the cocophany of interuption

comes an expression unanticipated.

The silence contorted is

dispersed by healing mumberances.

The words of compassionate engagement,

empathic encompassing.

The thoughts fill the ether

and flutter lightly on the air.

Gathered in my intensity

the angels sit, holding hands as protection.

Securing for me space to grapple with the Divine

and wrestle gods to the ground.

And in the absence

there is no answer

just the bruised, tender reminder of engagement.

Yet, in the being and the giving,

hope has been found.

Bield

I was talking with a friend, and colleague, yesterday about going over to view the manse at Auchterless.  He told me about the Bield.  A retreatant who has recently stayed at The Sanctuary also mentioned the place.

The Bield is well worth a look:

www.bieldatblackruthven.org.uk

I am hoping to go down and stay for a visit.  Anyone fancy coming too?

Auchterless

We went to visit a property in Auchterless yesterday afternoon.  Auchterless is about 35 miles from Aberdeen and around a two hour drive from our current home just five miles outside Inverness.

To view the details of the actual property we visited you can either visit the Strutt and Parker website (Banchory Office £335,000 offers over, Aucheterless) or:

www.countrylife.co.uk/em_GB/property/details/property/11144

This gives you the pictures from the schedule (particulars - if you are English) and a brief description.

The property is set on a quiet lane with just one much smaller property opposite.  The 'plot' consists of Pinewood Manse - a substantial property which was bought four years ago by it's present owners as an investment property and has been used for short holiday lets on a seasonal basis ever since.  The manse is a wonderful, quirky building - and surprisingly large and imposing for a congregational church minister!  Particularly from the front.  In fact it looks rather dour and imposing at one angle.  Rather like a minister leaning over the pulpit with an accusatory finger extended.  Reminded me of the silhouettes of Charles Simoen preaching.

Downstairs a large kitchen with plenty of space to entertain informally - although rather impractically laid out at present!  There's a small breakfast room - which would make a good utility space, adjacent.  Then the oddities begin - what would have been a study I suspect - is now a workshop cum utility space - and has had a boiler installed in the room!  Odd.  However, there are two additional, well-proportioned reception rooms and an elegant hall and staircase, a pantry and a further tiny store room, optimistically labelled a study.  The first floor has a separate 'wing' to the rear with two bedrooms, one a box room - and some under eaves storage.  Ideal hide and seek nooks and crannies!!!  There are stairs up to a mammoth loft with flooring and electric in place - large enough for a loft appartment par excellence!

On the main landing on the first floor, rooms spill out on all sides.  A surprisingly compact bathroom given the dimensions of the property; master bedroom with en suite and separate dressing room - and two further, well proportioned rooms.  The feel was very much of a property that wouldn't take that much to be loved back into life and would enjoy being a part of a vibrant family/community existence.

The house has grounds of an acre - just under actually - I think.  Adjacent to the manse is a derelict congregational church.  The building has been raped of her character and previous life and is in desperate need of restoration.  She's currently exposed to the elements - and has even had the memorial tablets removed from the walls along with the floorboards.  She provides a happy home for local birds.  Unbelievably sad to see the building so unloved.  But the kirk still seems a friendly space and one which would like to be utilised.  Behind the kirk and across from the house is a steading, which is currently used as a workshop space and garaging.  Behind that a large garden with fields on all sides - used mostly for crops - turnips just now we were told - which seemed a bit unlikely at this time of year - but there we are.  Along one side of the property is a small burn.  Larger than a ditch - but not wide enough to describe as a stream really.  Certainly not really a paddling spot or fishing place.  Not even suitable for river watching!!!

There was a great deal about the place which was fall in lovable with.  The manse could be subdivided to make self-contained accommodation on different floors.  The steading could be used as a small family home or as the new base for The Sanctuary.  The kirk, on first impression, lent itself to becoming the common area with a worship/meditation space, perhaps a library area and some smaller rooms.  But, equally, on reflection, it could make a super home - outline planning permission for a six bedroomed house is in place for the kirk.

The property gave us a great deal to think about.  It had a good feel.

We had a scout around the immediate area.  Auchterless is quite a substantial village, but has no 'centre' outside of the Kirk which looked as though it had a life and purpose in the place.  Turriff was a ten minute drive from the manse and is a vibrant, small market town.  Hotel, banks, building society, gun and tackle shop, hardware store, award winning butcher, baker, fish and chips, Tandori, Chinese, little gift shops, clothes shops and florist; medical parctice, funeral director, cottage hospital and dentist.  Didn't spot a vet - but I'd guess there's one.

It looked a vibrant and lively little community.

No coffee shop that we could see.  I really wanted a coffee shop and bookshop too!  I think the place reflects it's agricultural heritage and clientele.

There's a lot about this property that works, but there are some things I question.

Firstly, as a base for a community which wishes to think outside the box a bit and be creative etc...  it would make a much more than adequate base and home in terms of the building and development potential, but is it well enough placed for the infra-structure?  For life outside community?  For those attracted to the community life, but do not wish to work from their new home - I am very unsure what work would be available locally.  This is predominantly an agricultural area.  Secondly, I felt some empathy for the property's nearest neighbour.  Just across the way is a delightful cottage - with no other houses immediately about.  I wondered how I would feel if some sort of group of people turned up and moved in opposite.  However well meaning we were as neighbours, it would be awfully important to get on very well indeed with the people who live opposite and whose windows look straight into ours!  The only two houses for probably a third of a mile but they are positioned exactly opposite each other on a single track road!!!  Spooky.

Very personally, as a non-car driver, and with a much older partner - who may well not go on driving for ever - I was also a bit concerned about getting about independently.  It's about 10 miles to the nearest station - and although there is a bus stop a short walk away - I do know that trying to lug a week's shopping on the bus is a nightmare.  Past experience has taught me that life is much easier if there is at least one general store within walking distance.  They will usually order almost anything for you and are keen to be of service to the local community.  The internet is not the same as speaking to people.

Lastly, for pilgrims and guests at The Sanctuary, one of the attractions has undoubtedly been our location.  Idyllic views, privacy - but also the sense of all the basic ammenities within easy reach including rail, bus and airport.

As I went to sleep last night I was trying to do architectural gymnastics and see if there was some way of increasing delineated space here.  But, given the fact that we want people to have independence rather than experience dependence and control, it is difficult to see how this can be achieved unless we settle for a model of community which means we all reside in this area and meet here or work from here.  I can't get quite so enthusiastic about this - but I am open to persuasion!

For now I will continue to monitor a few sites that seem to specialise in the kinds of properties that might suit the project.

I feel the combination of visiting the manse and kirk at Strathtonge and this one at Auchterless have very much helped me to begin to work through my own likes and dislikes.  I am getting a bit worried though that no one is entering into a commentary via the blogs - although people are talking to me a lot when we meet, via e-mail and on the phone.  Can I encourage those of you with an interest in seeing a community of this type develop to start writing 'comments' on these evolving thoughts.  By all means use a pseudonym - so that you can think freely. I think it might be useful.

What are other people's impressions of Auchterless?  Does it appeal?

Kripalu

May 6th 2007

An old friend has pointed me to Kripalu - a large community in the States.  Amongst their Faculty is Deepak Chopra - someone whose work I have enjoyed and found inspirational.  Well worth a look at www.kripalu.org.

It raises some interesting questions in relation to our project.  Optimum size?  Ethos?  How strong do we want a teaching/workshop programme? 

Good day today.  I have been working on my novel and it is coming together.  I go through periods when I can't really believe that I can do this - and even less that a publisher is interested - and then I have a day like today when I feel utterly content and at home in front of my computer and am blessed with a day when the words flow. 

The calling and gathering

Very slowly and gently I am gradually finding the confidence to share something of the idea of St. Columba House Community with friends and acquaintances old and new.  I have been humbled by the reflective quality of the responses we are already receiving and I am hopeful that over time those who become interested in helping us realise the vision, will reflect in response to blogs here too. The more we share ... the more things can evolve. 

Just today I heard from a dear friend who has received the various discussion papers and not only found it in his heart to affirm us in our dream, but will help us think further.  These things are huge encouragements.

On Tuesday we will explore another possible site for setting up community.  We feel this will probably be for discussion purposes rather than a falling in love moment - but stranger things have happened!

I will post information about the actual place when we have viewed.  It's an interesting prospect; a manse and an adjacent redundant kirk.  Not much land and in an area we don't know well - Aberdeenshire.  But it is near Turiff.  Turiff is an interesting place because St. Columba founded a monastery there!  Where we stay just now we have named St. Columba House because we have settled just a few hundred yards from the original site of St. Columba Chapel which was founded by St. Columba when he landed on these shores to evangelise the locals.  Maintaining that sense of connected journey does appeal to me, I must admit.

Once we have viewed this property (and assuming we aren't immediately upping sticks) then I must and will stop looking for properties for a bit.  In my heart I feel I need to begin a process of exploring what community means for each of the people who care enough to engage with this project.  What's community mean if you are a visitor for a few days each year at The Sanctuary for retreat?  What do we need to hold and continue?  How important is the view?  The sense of privacy and space?  I am already aware that if we are to set up a community which has a permanent group who live together - we will, almost certainly, have to curtail our work with people who need solitude and absolute privacy and discretion.  I suppose this may still be possible if we could create a Hermitage in woodland and agree that no one enquires about whose there - but in reality that's a lot to ask and it amounts to pseudo privacy rather than actual solitude.

I wonder too what community means if you are for example, considering a change of life direction?  If you are single? Have a family?  Long to belong or have had bad experiences of Church or community in the past?  If you are in your teens?

For me I think community is a mixture of things.  I love the sense of belonging and purpose that comes with a shared life of prayer/meditation, study/creative work and service.  I like the overt challenge of finding ways to work through difference; celebrate others joys and my own; dance and find silence.  Show my vulnerabilities and risk they will be loved and accepted - or at least endured and tolerated.

I love the vision of people coming on retreat into a community which is unostentatious, genuine and comfortable with itself - despite the inevitable differences and perhaps, tensions.  I like the reality of this; the transparency and authenticity.  You can't fake it in community.  You have to learn to be you - all the way through - and that is so much of what I believe the spiritual pilgrimage is about too.

My own experience has been that there is also a certain edginess in community living - and this can be used to sgnificant effect as a crucible in which ideas, visions and actions are 'tested' and I am held accountable.  I warm to the idea of a community that has an open heart to the needs of the world.  I would love to work with others who have a passion for social justice and are concerned about issues of equality and inclusiveness.  I can imagine a time when churches, schools and other spiritual communities would be using materials we had created out of the fusion of the experience of being the St. Columba House Community.

Communities that interest me:

Iona,

Little Gidding,

The Potter's House, Washington DC

Findhorn

Mmmm so much to reflect upon.

Jubilate Deo!