I love returning home. There's no two ways about it I am essentially a home-loving creature. I wonder if part of this is to do with the fact that I have actually moved around a lot in my adult life. I think the urge to root as I move in to middle age is getting more urgent and stronger!
I live in a beautiful spot - and that adds to the delight too.
Part of this is, I am sure, about comfort zones - the need to have a place where I can be as well as do. I have to say I have never worked so consistently or at such depth anywhere as I do at home. Sometimes I wonder if I am slightly autistic in this sense. I rather like predictability - it seems to free me up to be with my own inner reality and reflections!
As I approach my birthday I have, unusually, some time to think about where I am and what's going on in my life. In recent years more often than not - for all sorts of reasons - birthdays have not been easy things to celebrate. One of the challenges of fostering is that anniversaries are not always easy times for children who have experince trauma. We have tended to play down birthday 'celebrations' because they can be overly stimulating - and a highly emotive time - when if something does go wrong - it matters. So, over the years, we have got used to playing down celebrations. That makes this year extra special. I don't have to let my birthday pass. I can celebrate it and enjoy it. Bit ironic then, that I will still be on antibiotics - no alcohol - and feeling a bit off colour on the big day. Grrrrh.
Still, before I disappear into the quagmire of self pity - I have the space - whilst feeling woozy - to think. Because my brain is very cotton wool at the minute I am not wrestling with myself trying to see all the angles and possibilities. Instead it feels as though a lot of the secondary 'voices' in my head are snoozing at the minute - so a primary narrative is being heard loud and clear. This is powerful and important because it is a rare occurence. Generally I focus on meeting other people's needs and often forget to take full account of my own. Just now, my brain is taking account of the me-ness of me. It's enlightening.
I was listening to someone recently talking about what keeps them going spiritually. My 'list' would have been very similar when I was in a parish setting - going about priestly duties all day every day.
Now, the challanges are different. My world is the world of spirituality and creativity. The counter-balance; the presenting need is difference. The fanatasy me would love trips to the theatre and opera - holidays abroad and so on - but the real me - doesn't seem to crave these things - and even senses they might be something of an intrusion. Much as I love the RSC - I get as much out of sitting and reading a script. "Henry V" should be in production right now - it is very timely for a country at war. "Richard II" HRH Harry should read.
In the next year ME requests the pleasure of:
Solitude and silence but also laughter and companionship.
Greenishness - I feel a passion emerging for greenness. I love the It's not easy being green series on BBC 2.
Paint - more painting.
Continued empathy - inner acceptance.
Learn how to garden.
Together these are my touching place. How different the list is from even 10 years ago. Jubilate Deo!
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