Where Grief Begins

Back at my blogs surprises me.  I still don't want to talk but I want to feel something.  I think this is distraction - but I have succumbed.

I am thinking.  Much about nothing much.  Vacant.  Sometimes I catch a waylaid thought about the future.  Try to imagine it and fall asleep or lose it in a few moments.  I know somewhere deep that it is a risky strategy to let myself go in - but I know I am being monitored.  Mostly I am just relaxing and not making any kind of effort to conform.  Letting myself be.  I think I am pretty ill.  I wonder if I need to be re-admitted to the Day Hospital or become an in-patient.  I don't seem to get better for long and feel worse when I go down.  I can't seem to shake off the desolation.  I can't see how to make hopes happen.  I hate this. Who am I?  Usually this all goes as quickly as it comes - but this time it is sticking - maybe I am allowing it to when I should fight.  I haven't that much energy left to be bothered.

I am struggling with the truth.  Hard to believe that I don't want to go out or see folk.  Oddly counter me.

Still determined to go to my foster daughter's wedding at the beginning of next month but fear I may slip in and out of the ceremony.  I feel so ill.  Like a physical illness.  Rawness.  Pain.

I am a bit shocked.  I didn't know I felt as I do.  Denial.  Avoidance. I thought I was in a better place deep down.  Clearly not.  I don't like being there.  Want to scramble out. Claim a bit of ordinariness.  Hard to when I haven't washed for ages.  Am wearing a plum coloured thermal beanie and just want to curl up in bed.  No TV.  Book - for a few pages.  Nothing there inside and no feeling I want anything there - just fear that I shouldn't be feeling like this making me want to make a run for it and see if I can get a better view.  Can't.  Must stick with it.  Hurts whatever I do just.  Pain travels well.  Feel I am not a part of me.  I am watching not inhabiting self.  Can't even conjure the voices of criticism although I hear them - too distant for now to make out the words.  Or be certain what they have to say.

Know this is for now.  Tomorrow is then.  For now not good.  Hope to stay safe with bed close by and hat - keeps my thoughts in and voices out.  Can feel I still have a head with a hat on.

Bonkers yes.  Being myself - yes.  Sorry - very.  For myself?  No.  Sorry I cause so much trouble and worry.  Inside just numbness.  I needed to get here.  I recognise some of the terrain.  Grief can begin.

Comments

[Gwen]

The fact that you recognise this as grief is a start, and shows you are moving forward even though it does'nt feel like that to you. Grief come in mant forms and for whatever reason, but you will get through this and there will be a way to turn negative into possitive espeacially through your art or writing etc. It does'nt matter how long it takes you will come through.Go gently one day at a time. L. G