Vacant Possession

I've been promising myself that if I do one thing today, I will blog.  Now I don't quite know what to say.  Still seem happiest in bed with my woolly hat and layers of bedclothes.  Dogs.  Not TV.  Can't concentrate on the stories.  Unusually, don't want to see the News. 

Emptiness has no edges in the way that fullness and contentment have.  I tried to find an edge lying in darkness.  No sounds.  Nothing - just more of the same.  Last throes of twilight before the darkness sets in.  People have told me about stars.  I can't see stars even when I'm well.  Emptiness might have them.  Mine doesn't but it may be I just can't see them.

Less going on in head.  All I want is relief from emptiness.  Sleep.  Helps me escape.  Dogs love it.  Someone to sleep against.  Must look like a mother pig with her piggie babies.

I did have a good idea late last night though.  Can't remember what it was - but I did feel enthusiastic for a bit at the time - and I was talking.

Partner needs encouragement and support.  I am in vacant possession.  Nothing to say.  I haven't energy to be worried about it.

Am very sorry I am causing worry.  Love my partner at the deepest level of a soul friend and lover - but I haven't the emotional space to be any use.  Trust is harder than love - love needs to be understood - it is so much more than giving and receiving; it scars and marks as well as giving unbounded joy and hope.  Love my children - grown step children who have their loyalties stretched, credulity challenged and patience tested.  Love my foster daughter - just stabilising her life and marrying - proud; bursting with pride.  Love my son - so brave, vulnerable, wonderfully loving and deliciously free-thinking.  I couldn't be more proud of him too.  He is a survivor.  Love my animals - dogs who follow me around like ducklings; my cats who sleep by my head; my rabbit who knows the TV and will still sit on a cushion comfortably watching it.  Love the amazing opportunities life has given me.  Most of them I would not have missed for the world.

Regrets: not giving more fully in every sense; not always trusting the process; allowing myself to be hurt.

Comments

[carolynn]

That love you have for others is also there for you Jane even when you are unable to feel anything inside of yourself.....we will hold you and our love for you until you emerge and are once again able to hold it and know it for yourself.
C

[Gwen]

All your friends are standing beside you holding you in their love and will continue to do so as long as needed. G