Available for Short-term Let

I am feeling better.  Hell's teeth I do not want to go back to the place I was last night again in a hurry - that really was touching rock bottom.  I pulled myself up short by e-mailing The Samaritans.  It was brilliant - and I received the help I needed - so another downward turn has been grappled with and is beginning to bite the dust.

A wise soul in my life has suggested that blogging may be encouraging my introversion and self-analysis which makes a lot of sense to me.  I will try not to blog quite so much I think and see if instead I can stay with the moment more.  Although I would have to admit that last night blogging was a real life-saver.

I felt quite suddenly this afternoon as though I was being pulled upwards through clear, blue oxygenated water and hit the surface into fresh, warm air.  I came up as suddenly as I nose dived.

I am not chattery quite yet - but I am feeling much more energised.  The weird thing is that it coincided with an ear infection starting.  There's a lot in this mind over matter thing.  I have really intense ear ache - and suddenly I felt emotionally on much better form!  Deeply nuts but mildly endearing! 

I have been taking too big a dose of sleeping pill.  A real pain that I have to drop the dosage I love the feeling of sleeping most of the day and night away.  Alas I have now been found out and must take more of the anxiety reducing drug.  I don't think that drug works any more.

So tonight I am in a different place.  Still a bit fragile but holding out in front of me the thought of our foster daughter's wedding.  I am determined to enjoy - and seeing our son - doing something together as a family.  I also very much want to visit an old friend who has been under the weather of late - just a quick - 'love you' visit - not a long, drawn out thing.  If I can I want to see something of Cambridge - my third home.  South London born and bred via Lancashire - Cambridge is a favourite out of the places I have lived.  I want to hit a bookshop and we have to put the finishing touches to our son's wedding outfit.  This will be fun.  I am thinking we may get him two outfits to choose from or mix and match.  One which is a sort of mini Dr. Who as he is a great fan and now wears the glasses and the other is a bog standard suit, tie etc...  I am sorted.  Simon - pretty much.

If I am well enough we even have a family invitation to go out to lunch on the Sunday after the wedding.  So much to look forward to.  I can do this.  I have it worked out in gentle, easy steps.  I will take far too many photos that's for sure.  I can't wait to see our son's choice.  The last suit he had was bought for the cruise I took him on after he had spent a while in hospital.  He looked very smart indeed.

For now I am floating gently - bobbing along, singing a song...  The great news about an ear infection is I can be a painkiller junkie for a few days!  It hurts rather like a tooth abcess - so I shouldn't really make light - but it doesn't hurt as much as being emotionally at a dead end.  However, Ibruprofen and Cocodamol are almost as good as a sleeping pill!

I have ploughed on with Heat and it still reads like something from The Daily Telegraph.  I was giving the author the benefit of the doubt until he started to take pot shots at aromatherapists - what have they ever done to hurt him?

They may not be carbon neutral - but they're not exactly high consumers of fossil fuels unlike witches!!!!

I do find writing blogs cathartic.  Sometimes I'm sure they can stir and reinforce my negativity - but more often as a writer I find I can lay some things to rest, particularly emotions by writing - even indirectly.  I am not someone who often shares much of herself with anyone other than spiritual mentor or therapist - and so this is as much an exercise in believing that even my inner most thoughts are acceptable as it is a record of how things are.  The last time I relapsed I was teaching in Cardiff - and I have, effectively, no memory of three months of my life.  Now I can at least re-call something - and know friends will understand more by hearing how things are.  Maybe less is more when I am emotionally particularly fragile though.  Wise people are not wise for nothing.

Comments

[gwen]

Wonderful. Go with the flow.
Love G