Showing

I had a demanding art therapy session today.  Difficult because I had chosen to set the bar high.  I have been painting, as you know, for a few months now.  Part of my illness is a pervasive sense of emptiness - and as a consequence I have no sense of the value of the work I produce.  The same is true of my personal worth.  I am not suffering from low self-esteem so much as an absence of an opinion on the subject.  I decided to take some canvases into the session as well as a few photos of other pieces.  To my astonishment my art therapist received them very positively as far as I can remember.  I can't recall the compliments she made, but I know she made some - and she even suggested I should work up some more pieces with a view to a solo exhibition in Inverness.  That souns serious.  I always long to be taken seriously - more than I need to belong.

We talked about our mutual love of coastal scenes and I shared my desire to improve technically.  She set to work showing me an alternative way to paint the sea and showed me how to assess my work with a more detached, critical eye.  All good.  The hardest part of the session was working with other patients in the room.  The patients weren't the problem - I was.  I am still reticent to spend time with other people for too long because I seem to have lost the capacity for small talk.  Although I was slightly panicked, I had several things to focus on and was able to enjoy their company by the end of the session.

It was an emotionally powerful moment to be in a session with other people with a similar diagnosis.  I recognised in them the very traits that I live with - and that in itself was reassuring and affirming.  I realised how much energy I am putting into editing and normalising my behaviour for fear that I may appear rather odder than eccentric.

Spending time with others living with mental health issues has also helped me realise that I am still pretty ughie.  The world we inhabited together for three quarters an hour felt very homely and real.  A year ago as a mental health chaplain my response would have been rather different to our shared behaviours.

I wondered briefly whether I should try being even more as I am even if I am displaying ticks and strange turns of phrase and imagery.  I've decided that while I can normalise - even if it is tiring - then I should.  I don't feel this is denial so much as trying to benchmark a sense of personal wellness rather then perceived health.  While I can inhibit certain extremes of behaviour I am weller than when I am unable to get out of bed or sit rocking, silently in a chair.  Sometimes referencing social convention can help to monitor what feeling and being present actually means. 

I think I could grow to love these sessions with other patients.  They are hard work emotionally but restful on a psychic level.  I fit without having to try.

My painting is good enough to exhibit.  I am holding on to that thought and using it to motivate.  On to a new canvas, all being well, tomorrow.  I want to try out my art therapist's teaching about seascapes.

Otherwise I am struggling a lot with anxiety but I am working hard at believing I can mop up my own mess.  This can take a little time but I am getting reasonably good at it.  Anxiety is an illusion and as long as I can identify either a way of distracting myself or teasing myself into a counter-reaction I know I can ride the feelings.  I am not always terribly speedy at this - but I can now do it.

Today, given half a chance, I would have bounced going into the hospital for therapy on the grounds of acute anxiety.  I warned my partner off helping and sat it out this morning.  It wasn't easy, but I not only got there but felt a huge sense of achievement that I had worked it through.  The more I do this - the more this condition will feel workable - and even enjoyable.

I will gardually feel once more like a round peg in a round hole.

Comments

[carolynn]

Glad you are finding the art therapy positive.....I know I found my brief forree (can't spell) into art therapy tremendously helpful and want to go back when the opportunity rises for me again.
Let me know when your first exhibition is and I will come!!
You have spurred me onto work on my painting from Ullapool..reluctant as I do not know what the next stage is and whether I have the skills I need to do what i want with it...still an early learner with this kind of painting / acrylics.
Our local Life Craft has a Friday afternoon art session for people who use or have used mental health services and I am wondering whether to go along as a means of regular painting....

Keep painting!
Love C

[Gwen]

Brilliant, Love G