A reflective session with my CPN. I am realising that I am still pretty unwell - I can sense this because I am avoiding anything which is outside my fairly limited array of activities. The worst part is that I am not bored by this current arrangement - I am actually quite emotionally exhausted by just doing the little I do. The conclusion: I still have a way to go.
Strangely, perhaps, this feels right and a little bit of a relief. At some level I have been worried, deeply concerned in fact, that I am not doing nearly enough to make myself well. The reality is that I am doing well, but genuine, meaningful progress means learning, facing and resolving some deep-seated issues. I cannot resort to old patterns - or I do at my own risk.
One of the areas of transformation is an addiction to care. It is a very common addiction amongst clergy. I consider myself to be a person in recovery and I am learning not to take opportunities to prop up my psyche and esteem with occasions to support others in need. It is a struggle to say no - but a necessary and ultimately liberating process. I am of little use to anyone if I am largely elusive to myself. Owning this sense of disassociation is also an important aspect of process. For now this is pretty much all I have to work with - so I am doing all I can with that. In some senses that's quite a lot - it's just a rather limited palette compared with what I have been used to doing.
So, for now I am not sure when I will be well enough to return to running The Sanctuary; working as a volunteer chaplain and teaching Theology. I am delaying a final decision until the end of July to maximise the time I have for a fuller restoration. This will be tough for those I work for and alongside - but as I said in an e-mail to a colleague earlier - if it were a case of willing myself better I wouldn't have become ill in the first place.
The hardest part of Borderline Personality Disorder just now is that I have a sense of a fragmented self - rather like looking at my reflection in a cracked looking glass. On one level it has a distorting quality and my sense of avoidance and disassociation is heightened. On another, the shards in the reflection are revealing some unexpected facets to my personality and resurrecting attitudes, skills - and sometimes most uncomfortably - the memories that have shaped me into the personality I now am.
I am feeling as though I am very much work in progress. The hardest aspect is having the patience to make lasting connections and changes in behaviour. The greatest temptation is to paper over the cracks and hope I'll be OK. The reality is I am making some brilliant connections - but it is demanding, forensic engagement with myself.
Jane W-G writes:
When I love as I deserve to be loved I realise that the gift of this moment in this place; in this mood is more than enough.
Owning your own sense of worth is a good step forward, and if it takes a while to travel to the next level , then go with the flow.A steady pace is better then trying to run a four minute mile.The achievements and the mile posts you have already gone through are immense and although you may not be able to see them anyone reading you blog can, they are very clear. Go well, go gently. G
Posted by: Gwen | 04/10/2008 at 09:07 AM