Learning to make transitions

All things considered, a good few days.  I was miffed to lose a blog the day before yesterday - but that will teach me not to be on line when I type.  Yes, up here in the wild North, we cannot get Broadband.  Actually that isn't entirely true - all our neighbours have it - but we are a further third of a mile from the nearest property and therefore a Broadband connection.

The proof-reading for The Sharing Space is going well.  The front cover design looks fine and we are well on the way.  I am dreading creating and checking the index - but, hey, what a joy to have the chance to do it.

I am still finding it unusually complex to make decisions about what I should, want or need to do.  I was very, very tempted by an invitation to link up with the second half of a symposium I missed in December because I was ill.  It would have involved a trip south - and I realised to my surprise that I wasn't at all worried about attending the discussion groups and presentations.  I was even enthusiastic about the possibility of working something up rapidly to present as First Thoughts at the gathering in a week or so's time.

I also realised that I was becoming agitated at the prospect of managing the transitions involved in the symposium.  It must sound rediculous to anyone who doesn't think twice about getting about and being at ease in social gatherings - but for me - the implications are slightly more complex for now.  I don't seem much good at small talk these days and I am impressed, in awe and slightly disturbed sometimes at how intensely I hold certain views and express an array of feelings.  After many years of facilitating other people's needs and wants - and tempering my reactions accordingly - the inner me has decided to pop out once more.  I don't seem to have a very good sense at the moment of what is and isn't appropriate to say.  As I am myopic, reading non-verbal signals isn't an option either.  I sense I sometimes may be shocking people these days - or at the very least confusing them - but the medication has reduced my inhibitions and removed anxiety in ways that mean I simply say what I think - and then wonder some time later what others make of it.  I love the playfulness and energy of this spontaneity, but something tells me it may be hard work for others!

I desperately wanted to be well enough to take spending time in a familiar city, chatting with old colleagues and friends and networking new contacts in the evenings, completely in my stride.  The reality is that I feel I am halfway there - delighting in the intellectual challenge once more but rather uncertain about my social skills and reactions to the simplist things - disorientation walking to a venue; a change of plan or a unplanned invitation being issued to do something on the spur of the moment; even sleeping and getting up on time.  Some of this is visual impairment compounded by anxiety; most I think is the BPD - and it will improve as I continue to develop effective coping strategies.  If developing strategies were simply a matter of determination and motivation I would have cracked it by now.  The reality is much more complex.  I am still suceptible to unexpected reactions.  It can be caused by the weirdest things - a familiar smell; a flippant comment; a chance meeting.  If something worries me about the encounter there is a chance that I will move into a significantly agitated state.  Being polite, turning up, contributing in a conventional way isn't always an option that remains open to me during an anxiety attack.

I know at an intuitive level that this is a symptom associated with the relapse I am recovering from.  I suspect that ultimately because I will have learnt, practised and become comfortable using a variety of coping strategies, it will become easy to manage my inner 'issues' in ways that won't affect negatively what I choose to do.  For now, a conference in July feels brilliant - partly because everything is on one campus - but a symposium the week after next - feels like a large hill to climb.

I have discovered that I am a proud woman.  When I attend a sympsoium with the top academics in my field I want to be able to hold my own.  I don't want to sit there like a doughnut - when I could be relaxing with them over a bottle and enjoying it rather than wishing I could stay in the loo all evening!!! 

Have you seen the advertisement for Volkswagon Polo on British TV?  It shows a small dog, some sort of terrier, sitting in the front seat and singing "I'm the man, yes I am..." at the top of his voice in the comfort and security of his favourite place.  In the next shot his tail and ears are down and he is shaking from head to tail, standing in a queue at the bank with his owner and still singing in a tiny quivering little voice under his breath - "I'm the man..."  On the screen flashes the slogan - "Polo confidence".  I do sympathise with him!

So for now part of what I am trying to practise is being up front about what I can do whilst paying attention to the things that still bug me - those are the bits I need to treat as work in progress.  At least it helps to work out where to look next.

The funny thing about turning down the symposium was that I really regreted it afterwards because those academics I want to impress also happen to be friends and people I thoroughly enjoy spending time with - and working alongside.  I am holding on to the fact that saying I can't attend this party will not preclude me from being involved in others when my confidence around the things I can't control has returned.

I have enjoyed reading the papers for the symposium.  They have resonated powerfully with my proof reading.  I must give some thought to just how proactive those with a disability can be in changing the dynamic of society so they are perceived as unique rather than special or different.

Kim McMillen:

When I loved myself enough I recognised my courage and fear, my naivety and wisdom and I make a place for each at my table.

Comments

[Gwen]

You are going in the right direction. Staying possitive even in the things which "bug" you at the moment, is a very possitive move so at the risk of sounding like a cracked record, be gentle with yourself, just because things feel like a mountain today does'nt mean that they will stay that way. one step at a time. you are striding along the right route. Love G