I am back blogging tonight whilst watching an episode of Extraordinary Animals comparing the mental capacity of an Orangoutang compared with a variety of humans. The tests are not fair - but it's fun watching an orangeoutang's behaviour and capacity. They are beautiful. It's the slow blink which catches me.
I am on new medication and although the first couple of days felt a little overwhelming - I seemed to be asleep - full stop. Now I feel I am moving into a space where I think I will need a slightly higher dose than I have at the moment, but I do find this medication an absolute (and literal) life-saver. The impact is considerable as it reduces the anxiety part of my depression. It has been extremely effective, so much so that I can feel the drug kick in and recognise the moment it begins to wear off and the agitation, anxiety and disassociation return in spades.
For all that, the drugs, when they are at full stretch clear up all the above in one swoop. I still can't believe it. The absence of acute anxiety. The Side effects are that I do feel very drowsy and can sleep deeply for quite a long time. This is great during the night though. (Still my partner had a quiet life the first few days and has had space and time - so we both scored well!) Stiff rather than aching joints, indigestion and a very dry mouth - all nothing compared with the mental paralysis of recent months. A higher dose may bridge the gaps I feel as one dose fades and another is due. On the other hand it may be better to just let it be for a month or so and see if I can cope with the gliches more effectively after the periods of 'release' provided by the drug when it is at its height. I need to check this.
For the first time in months I am looking forward to going out tomorrow and seeing my Community Psychiatric Nurse. It's great to be back working with this individual - but it is also so encouraging at this time, the night before an appointment, not to be sitting in a crouched over position, wringing my hands, sweating and unable to stop my agitating legs from paddling up and down whilst insisting that I can't go because I'm too stressed! Now, as I write, there are no physical signs of agitation and I am 'on-line' for tomorrow mentally and emotionally.
Still early days - but this feels good to me. If I have to have drugs - this combi has been the best so far by a long shot!
Again I can't begin to express how important the notes, cards, calls and such have been. I am going on my first major outing on Thursday as part of Occupational Therapy to Pets at Home!!!! So we will begin over the next few days to see how I handle things when there is more challenging stimuli to engage with like how many rabbits to buy. I am looking forward to seeing how it all pans out. If it isn't great some of the time - then it is still nowhere near as difficult to manage as it was before I took this particular cocktail of medications.
I am just beginning to try and push through this feeling of curling up at will - and doing this blog is my first attempt at doing this. I am yawning and the siren call of intimately examining the insides of my eyelids is very powerful. But I am still typing!
Amazing not to feel anxiety - but I am not sure what else it is surpressing. I've been on the new regime a week tomorrow. I have a lot of trouble with my words and at the height of the medication can sound like Dory in Finding Nemo when she is 'talking whale'. I think I sound drunk and I can't find the correct words for things. I also feel I've lost some of the quickness and edginess of my humour. This is probably because humour is the ultimate defence mechanism for me. I don't do back-stabbing and I always deeply regret the odd lapse of courtesy when I bitch, but I have always loved making people smile.
J. :)
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