Growing a New Pair of Legs

Today has got better as it has gone on.  I can't begin to express what a delight it is to write so positively.

The night wasn't so good.  I was having a very powerful, lucid dream when I was startled awake by our cat, Bertie, who had come in through the bedroom window,  and had decided to use me as a bridge to get to the bedside table to drink my milk!  I shot out of bed; cat flying; mortified that his midnight snack had been interupted;  I was immediately on red alert because the dream had been powerful and I had momentarily confused the dream with reality.  Classically, I then couldn't 'come down' and spent the next four hours going through my repertoire of insomniac activities.  Nothing 'took'. 

By the time I went back to sleep, it seemed like seconds before I was gently being woken and reminded that I had an appointment with my CPN at 10am.  I was, to say the least, feak and weeble, and I couldn't face getting up.  The surgery were brilliant and re-scheduled me for an afternoon appointment.  It was an excellent session, although I had trouble not climbing on to the examination couch  and just drifting off into a relaxed afternoon snooze - the power of the drugs.  I'll adjust.  I left with restored perspective - not to mention help on to the next stage- plan for the week ahead.  I wore my favourite hoodie on purpose - it has the slogan:  I am blissfully unaware of my surroundings.  I felt it was appreciated.

I accept there are up's and down's and that there will be for some time to come, but I do think this new drug regime has hit the spot even if we might need to tweak it a bit at some point.

I'd planned to start a painting when I came home this afternoon - but instead I made a cup of tea (listen to the woman brag - a cup of tea indeed - all by herself - what next?!  She'll be making decisions if we don't watch her) and decided to blog.

Recovery feels slow and for someone who naturally likes to get things done and dusted, this is taking a little getting used to, but I do know at a gut level that this time it is very, very important; the emotional recovery is in real time; I can neither rush it nor force it. 

Rather like a person who has never been able to walk suddenly having an operation which enabled them to learn, I, in a fair less dramatic, but nevertheless real sense, am experiencing for, perhaps the first time in my life, what it feels like to be anxiety free.  It's wonderful, but also a little unreal.  I feel as though I am in a bubble and that as I now increase the amount I do I am sure I will test the consistency and thickness of this drug 'force-field' as well as have it blasted or damaged from time to time!  Of course this 'state' is, at the moment pretty much entirely drug induced.  Even so it will hopefully give some time for my psyche to heal.

I am in the process of making some tough decisions.  It is crucial that until I feel significantly better that I make my re-connections in ways that build my confidence and do not drain my emotional energy.  I won't return to mental health chaplaincy in a hands on way until I am not only well, but also have had a reasonable period without a relapse.  I will have to negotiate probably whether it is appropriate or possible to continue this ministry.

We have also decided it is very important that I take the professional advice that has been offered and that I don't re-open The Sanctuary this year until such times as I am signed off properly.  This coheres absolutely with my own sense of what is professional, client-orientated, safe and accountable.  I should not be in a position where I exercise professional skills and insights when I am emotionally fragile myself.  This is inappropriate and even potentially abusive within the confidential relationship.  It is hard to accept my own level of need.  But this is right and proper.

We are still happy for those who have already used The Sanctuary to use it on a self-catering basis as and when, but I will not be available to meet with people one to one; feed or socialise.  This boundary is there so that I can recover.  No one would ask a person who had never walked to run a marathon a few months after she had discovered what legs were for.  This is about making progress - and starting with the only person I can truly 'grow' in the deepest sense and that is me.

 

Comments

[Gwen]

It is so good to hear you blogging again and making strides in your journey. Well done both of you. The decision you are making are sensible and appropraite. This journey was never going to be esy but the srides you have made so far have been vast and very humbling reading. Go gentle on yourself and good travelling forward. Much love Gwen.

[Jane Howson]

What an absolute joy to read 'growing a new pair of legs.'I feel like jumping in the car, and going to give you a great big hug, and a welcome to your new perspective from maybe a loftier place above the stickiness of mire and clay.Are new legs taller cos if so I want some!!Reminds me a bit of stilts, but no that is not right because these are new, and real. Your decisions are so right, and have helped me hugely as I have called a halt to take stock. Being voiceless for the better part of 3 weeks has given me thinking time, and a chance to indulge in some active waiting.
Go gently, you are very special Love and blessings Jane
PS Being a complete technophobe, I am just hope that this will reach you safely, and remain comparatively private!! Take care x What is URL?

[jumping stilts]

Thanks for all the tips. I guess I have been sitting a lot on the sidelines to learn as much as I can. I love to learn, but Faith without works is dead. Thanks for your inspiration to get more active with my blog.

[Ugg Classic Mini]

I agree with you. Here we realize that our existence would need new strategy, new style. New factors can bring new really feel and new practical experience to us. Just like your weblog, it take me to some new state. It really is so fantastic that I can not leave.