Things are looking up. I have received an extraordinary affirmation from someone who hardly knows me and has every reason to give depression a wide berth! I feel good. The best I've felt in days. Weeks actually.
The day started rather inauspiciously. I was so knackered after achieving my goals for yesterday that I did plan B for sleeping and rather than face the 3am 12 rounds and a knockout with my psyche telling me I am not worth the considerable space I inhabit, I saved a Diazapan until bedtime (could this be construed as a conversion?) and took that with the Voltarol (for molten lava knees). I then took the sleeping pill when my mean-machine voice kicked in at around 3.30am. The consequence was that I slept through until about 9am had breakfast and medication and then snuggled down and went fast asleep until well after one. I was woken by Mungo, our collie x sitting on my head eating the cream cheese and smoked salmon bagel which had been left on my bedside table for my lunch. (There's no expense spared in this house - a little of what you fancy...) Needless to say a very happy dog then settled down on the pillow and went to sleep and I discovered he'd scoffed the last of the smoke salmon. Who said life was fair?
I have made my personal hygiene goals today - so much relief all round. I have been out for a walk and I guess covered a fair way further than yesterday. The new trainers are a joy and are like walking on a portable bouncy castle. My partner and I took out the two senior dogs today and after they had got over their initial excitement they walked beautifully side by side on a lead splitter. Our cat Teazle continued to accompany us just like yesterday - and this time could be seen, unbelievably, walking between the two dogs on their splitter. An honorary dog - or more likely two honorary cats. I am actually looking forward to my walk tomorrow. It physically hurts because I have the fitness level after such a serious fall and then my depression of an amorphous blob - but it will improve and the received wisdom is that the more I do and the more I focus on solutions so my anxiety will become my servant rather than my mistress.
I am planning to paint this afternoon and watch West Wing. I have slept alot today and I feel unless I set healthy alternatives to sleep which infill - I will quickly believe the mean voice which tells me that there's no point in even attempting to get better because I will only be ill again; that I shouldn't have got ill in the first place; that I would be better put in some sort of institution where I am looked after and kept out of harm's way so that others can get on with their lives and realise their potential. I can believe my mean voice is lying the most easily when I am distracted and doing things which are pleasurable - the CPNs and the Psychiatrist are right. So I will paint. Work up an abstract which says something of now because I can't really cope with much else - but I know it will help to provide some ammunition (not a good image for a pacifist) - some protection from the often powerfully persuasive mean voice.
Prayer for Today:
For the gift of life I give you thanks.
For the joy of humanity in all it's diversity, I celebrate.
For the water flushing the shore and the wind burning my face, I recognise the pulse of life itself.
For the unwanted challenge of looking into my personal darkness and learning it cannot suppress uniqueness with fearful anxiety, I troth you my soul.
Amen.
Comments