High spots of the last couple of days. Firstly, still going to the hospital day centre. Secondly, I did the first painting I have done since before Easter and I really loved doing it. I feel like a kid who wants to take my picture in to the day centre and show the teacher! I am intending to be grown up about this as I think it's probably showing my neediness and attention-seeking (God, still beating myself to a pulp).
I painted another canvas this afternoon. I have also taken a dog out for a walk each day with my partner - although yesterday was a bit of a cheat as we took Rainbow - out of harness - so free to smell - for a full tour of Pets at Home. I fell for an orb acquarium. He was most interested in the cat food - his crimes will out. I am on the look out for rabbits (domestic pets - we have an abundance of wild ones when Teazle and Cuthbert - our cats are not having regular take outs) but Pets at Home don't have many in stock and the rescue pets corner had one - but he doesn't like being around other rabbits so...
It was Mungo's turn to have a run this morning and he was great. We had bought him the toughest rubber ball we could find - and he loved chasing it and then running up and down with it in his mouth. I don't think he has quite grasped the idea that once you have caught the thing you are herding you probably don't need to run around to keep it under control. We realised (slow tops)what he was actually doing was herding us of course so we had fun changing direction and watching him charge off to head us off and keep us in check. He wasn't too keen to come in and refused his recall but he suddenly spotted I had another even bigger ball waiting in the back of the car and he couldn't resist it, bounding the length of the orchard to play with it - needless to say - leaving his purple rubber ball somewhere in the undergrowth! He'll find it soon enough on his next free run.
I felt knackered this afternoon so slept while West Wing played on. I am struggling with negativity and anxiety - but doing as much as I can. I spoke to someone on the phone today admittedly a stranger demanding money because I haven't sent a cheque on this month's credit card bill - but I did it.
I will get to know who I am by trying - quite literally - to rediscover myself. For now I am trying to play. No analysis yet. I want to find out what I enjoy.
The day started feeling really shakey. I thought I had really over shot my runway yesterday - but it got better as the day went on. First thing in the morning I felt like one of those targets that are used on combat ranges to teach soldiers to make a direct hit. Mostly a bad night and shooting myself up. Amazing how I can be up a bit one minute and then as low as low can be. Usual rather tedious stuff about inadequacy, anger and frustration. I went to sleep at about 7am when I had finally realised that these feelings are gifts and I carefully wrapped each negative thought in the most beautiful, uneco-friendly, glittery paper and ribbon, bobbles and bows I could imagine up. I went to sleep. I can choose when I open gifts.
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