I am feeling as though I am back as work in progress. This was assisted enormously by a wonderful e-mail from a friend who compared me to one of my greatest role models and heroines of all time - in a class of her own - Hildegard of Bingen. My friend couldn't have known just what a special place this saint, alongside Hilda, has in my heart. I was so touched when I received her e-mail that I had a little cry - but with joy - at my correspondent's generosity - and with such a sense of thanksgiving - that she had the courage and insight to see me as having some worth - though I draw a line at being compared to an A list celebrity saint - just wonderful to be appreciated and enjoyed - yes - delighted in. The greatest boost there is.
I was also relieved that I have achieved my other main goal for today. I went out for my first walk along the shore with the wind in my face and the tide coming in for weeks. It was chilly - more like November. I didn't walk very far - probably no further then a third of a mile - but I knew, just as my CPN D suggested this morning, that if I can only begin to exercise regularly I will know at a deep level that I am alive. I felt alive and mentioned, as I turned to my partner walking with me and our golden retriever, that we hadn't done this for weeks, months probably.
A special moment was watching our black and white cat, Teazle walk with the dog all the way along the track with us and all the way back, rather like an estate agent showing off a property to a potential purchaser. We have given ourselves so little quality time as a couple. Too much else to juggle; too much else taking over and sublimating our needs. Tomorrow we have another 'date' - different dog - but a longer walk. My new trainers make me look like an ageing hippy and would suit a 17 year old in a hoodie with an ASBO - but they are very comfy so I don't care.
The best bit about the walk was coming home and going into my mum's bed-sitting room to tell her we had walked about two miles. She saw the joke. Still I've started. Fun teasing her. Now I have to begin to get some routine back into my life as this will also help to build my confidence and restore perspective.
I've had some smashing messages and as I went on line and checked my mail this afternoon for the first time in well over a week, it was very humbling to read such thoughtful and supportive input from friends, students and colleagues. I still can't read letters or answer the phone - but this is still progress.
I can't begin to say how much all this love helps. I have always considered myself rather unlovable.
Amongst the e-mails I heard from someone who I have been waiting to hear from for ages. Contact with this person is a real test of my nerve as much as a discernment of future possibilities. She had no idea I was ill and so I have referred her to the blogs. She may well have a pink fit. I can think of a time in my past when I would have! I was very much in love with a person and his behaviour unsettled me sufficiently at the time indicating some sort of stress or emotional exhaustion that I listened to some very negative advice frome some people who weren't well informed and we parted, for all the wrong, ill-advised and stereotypical reasons that reinforced my ignorance and justified my prejudices. One day I hope I will make up for this. Now I am in the care-full hands of others and it will take a while for me to return to fitness to work. But I am still a bit concerned that I will be seen as a liability rather than asset but I am having to trust the process (words my husband wants on his memorial stone under his tree in his green burial site!) and believe - heart and mind -that I will be seen rather than my illness. My anxiety certainly hasn't been reflected in the messages, love and humour others have shared with me since I have become ill.
A Prayer In Celebration Of St. Hildegard
Hildegard,
We celebrate your embracing of life;
Your constant enquiring and questioning;
Your unwillingness to simply accept;
Your delight in nature and confusion with human convention;
Your pilgrimage towards authenticity and honesty before the Divine;
Your commitment to truth and your inability to suffer fools;
Your sense of the ridiculous and delight in the playfulness of the Creator.
We stand in awe of your skills and self-ness.
We delight that you are praying for us with the Community of Saints - and we give you our thanks.
In the name of the Creator, Redeemer and Sustainer Amen.
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