Are the voices in my head too loud for you?

Duvet 1 Paper 0

I suppose I could argue that today has been a thinking day, but if I am honest I would have to concede that it has been contemplation in the manner of Pooh rather than Satre.  Don't laugh, but I can usually think my best thoughts in bed and then transfer them to paper when I emerge from my cocoon.  Honest!  I can think, order and then get up, shower and start writing.  Something went wrong this morning between waking up and starting to think.  (I blame Fi Glover on Radio Four).  I certainly began to think through the paper I need to write - but I then woke up again and it was 12.30pm!

Now at this point any sensible, motivated academic or creative artist would apologise to the muses - quickly shower and slide into her desk chair as though nothing had happened.  (Three hours could be caught up by working after Dr. Who tonight - assuming Dr. Who is on!)

When I woke, as a cup of tea was placed on my bedside cabinet at around 4,30pm, I was disorientated and thought for a second it was 7.30am.  As I eased myself gently up the bed to smile somewhat weakly at my partner and enquire as to the time, Teazle our smokey grey and white cat, adjusted himself on my midriff and took his purr down a semi-tone.  Mungo, our collie x rolled on his back on my partner's pillow; my guide dog looked up and beat his tail and Jo, our rescue collie slept on at the foot of the bed!  I wondered if the rather lame excuse that I was comforting the dogs and cats as they made the transition to having a new puppy in the house might hold water and then decided honesty was the best policy - I had relaxed; and evidently I had needed to sleep!

I feel great now.  But my partner is yawning.  There is a degree of shift work just now with two dogs in quarantine in the kitchen on Squit Alert and the others in the rest of the house!

Puppy News:  Humph has mastered the Library and is now wondering what the hall is for.  He is taking his time and we are letting him.  He looks like a fluffy poodle wearing a rubber life-preserver ring (except it is under his fur).  I am trying to avoid derogatory terms like pot bellied here.  His eyes are still very blue-green so I am guessing they may turn a lighter rather than dark brown - and his nose looks like a little milk choc drop - unlike other disposable commodities that he produces - which still lack firmness.  Still he shows promise - he could probably exhibit at the Tate with what he's produced so far!!!!

Writing news:  I have confirmed in my head my paper's title:

Amor Vincit Omnia? Talk to the Hand 'cos the Face ain't Listening

It may need work...

Two wonderful things about my day's hibernation are that I feel much more alert and relaxed.  Now I will have to do some work tonight - but I guess I won't need to go to bed early!!

Puppy Watching

Friends who have birthed their own children tell me time has a habit of standing still when the baby first arrives home.  Even the simplest tasks seem to lose their focus as hours pass admiring the newly arrived one.  Having a  new puppy has certain similarities.  My partner and I examine each poo with critically informed interest.  Discuss when to introduce each new set of challenges and just enjoy, delight in and play with Humph, our Newfoundland puppy.  He is growing rapidy.  He has a bright, open disposition and he has discovered Coca-cola - he is now tall enough to drink from a glass left on a chair seat!  Tonight he will explore a new room.  After sleeping most of the day, we are hoping this new stimulus will set him up for a good night's sleep.  He is seriously cute - but hasn't the guile to recognise this yet - so is even more adorable.  He has a friend in our beloved Dido, 10 and a half and on a slow defrost as far as having a puppy around!

Enough of the furry antics in our household.  I am trying to get excited about Evelyn Waugh's Scoop! and failing.  It may just be that his colonial 'voice' hasn't stood the test of time or it might simply be I have puppy-itis.  I have a clearer sense of where I need to take the paper I am writing and I plan to write it tomorrow - whether my toes are being eaten or not!  I tend to give a lot of time to thinking through my views and arguments.  I am fortunate once my 'throughline' is clear, I can write reasonably quickly.  My main focus is on identity in this piece.  I will need to take a few days footnoting and adding quotes etc... Not to mention tidying it up. But 'twill be done.

Fortunately now Humph has his routines I can claim some time back.  Or rather he has taught me what he needs and when and can now dismiss me to get on with other tasks.  What's that old saying?  Dogs have owners and cats have staff?  Pups may be the exception.

We are addressing how we can become greener.  We love our caravan and the freedom it gives us - but it needs a gas guzzler to tow it - and we have felt guilty about owning a 4x4 for ages.  Although it is occasionally justified when the weather is bad, with global warming, the concept of becoming snowed in is increasingly apocraphyl.  We are looking at a number of small cars and are contemplating relegating Edmund (caravan) to a writing space for me - or to be sold.  Selling makes the most sense, but it is strange how many happy memories are tied up in the thing and that gets in the way of the logical and sensible.  We know we can cut down our CO2 footprint by cutting journeys.  I am also considering growing our own - a way to keep fit - and have organic veg' available.  One of our dogs could easily be a JCB - he digs so much - so that should help!  First things first we need to renovate the greenhouse and start to clear the big garden a bit - then I must research the fine art of composting.

Let's hope Humph will pull a wheelbarrow when he's older...

"I've Got Life"

I am sorry it has been ages since I blogged.  I went South for our son's Half Term break expecting to stay a few days in England 'doing' teenage 'things' - when we ended up staying a month.  Nothing could be done about it - just one of those things - but we were needed - so we stayed.

It's difficult to know where to pick up from in terms of the story so far.  I am so very much better.  I am writing with no shame and great delight.  I suppose the inevitable has happened.  I have fallen in love - and I am thrilled.  It was his sense of living in the moment that first caught me - not to mention his quirky good looks - bronze, fit and shot through with almost auburn hair.  He glitters in the sunlight.  We haven't known each other long - but it is the real thing however difficult it is for my partner.   It is true he is a lot younger than me.  It is also true that I was pretty ill earlier in the year - and some critical folk who cannot let bygones be bygones might grumble and gossip and say I am letting the side down as a priest allowing my feelings to run away with me like this - I am supposed to be a morally upright sort.  Well, I'm sorry - but I just can't help it.  I know how I feel and what I feel is real.  I am humming all the time in my head the Nina Simone song about finding life.

I am dying to tell you all about him - so here goes.  Humphrey Lyttleton Wallman-Girdlestone is an 8 weeks old (today) Newfoundland puppy.  He is my love and a delight to have around.  He came from a kennel aptly called Joybringer - and although his breeder occasionally resembled a hell-raiser with her rather uncompromising manner - she certainly knows how to produce a beautiful pup full of joie de vivre!

We collected Humph on 21st June and brought him straight home.  Sixteen hours in the car while he and later in the journey, our Golden Retriver, produced squits was not for the faint hearted.  We took him straight to our vet early on Sunday morning having not slept because we wanted them both checked.  Fortunately he wasn't too dehydrated so we could take him home and begin his emergency 'Recovery Plan'.  Dido, our Golden Retriever, who has a strong constitution recovered quickly, but Humph isn't quite out of the woods yet.  For now they are in 'quarentine' in the kitchen and the other dogs are being kept elsewhere.

There was a difficult moment when the breeder found out that I was sleeping in the kitchen with the dogs overnight.  She feels this is deeply detrimental.  My partner hadn't the heart to tell her that usually four dogs and two cats sleep with us in our bedroom - and that I wasn't sleeping in the kitchen so much for Humph as for Dido who is used to having dog or human company that she can rely on and snuggle!

Humph's poop results are back - and the real killer conditions have been ruled out, however, the lab' is able to grow some bacteria from the culture and will need about another six days before they can identify it.  For now we are to keeping him on the bland puppy food we have and we watch and weight to make sure the outpourings do not become more syrupy.  If they do - then back to the vet.  Poor dog.  If personality is enough he will romp back to health - but alas it isn't always that straight forward.  We are taking comfort in the fact that he is very playful; happy to be left alone and feeding and drinking well.  Favourite toys are a small plastic Coke bottle with treats inside and the lid screwed on.  He loves the noise.  Also a fluffy toy shaped as a Phesant that quacks.  I have concerns that this is giving him a developmental mixed message - but he positively giggles with delight when he plays with it.

Humph is growing by the hour and his paws are like tea plates.  We suspect he will have grown into his name by the time you read this!!!  We may need to change it to Hefferlump.

The other dogs are being remarkably long-suffering and coping with the separations.  The cats have met Humph and I suspect think he is a clockwork toy.  They seem wholly unmoved.  I am happy.  Not just with Humph - but with the milestone he represents.

Now the mad panic begins.  I am not sure if we will need to go to see our son again over the next couple of weeks or whether I will be able to attend a conference I have been looking forward to so much.  Whatever and whichever - we have a new member of the Pack - and a very fine young creature he is too.

Say it with Flowers Again!

The last post seems to have worked so back to my usual natter.  First and foremost we had a wonderful surprise the other afternoon when a neighbour arrived with a very splendid bouquet of summer flowers and a box of chocs.  A 'little bird' had mentioned we had enjoyed birthdays the previous week.  It was a super surprise.  My partner is devouring the chocs and I am enjoying the flowers!!!!  It was very unexpected and a timely reminder that generosity seems to just happen. and is best enjoyed in the moment

Another beautiful day with white horses breaking on the waves. The copper acer in the garden looks like a beautiful flaming mane.

I have been concentrating on getting my act together with composition ideas.  Rather than holding them in my head I am trying to put them down in a sketch book.  I am very disicplined with ideas for books and articles and keep an ideas book and a commonsense book for quotes and other interesting bits and bobs.  Taking my art this seriously is a new development.

I have an idea for a tryptch with a seaside theme; and I am keen to finish the large outdoor panels I am creating for The Sanctuary.  They will be hung on the outside wall where building regulations folk encouraged us to block up two windows.  Thses panels will cover the lack of rendering - and make an interesting (I hope) outside study.  As our neighbours are a third of a mile away I don't think they will mind too much!

I have been to see if I can take a picture framing class this afternoon.  It looks possible but because I am a guide dog user they will want to do a risk assessment - handling tools - Stanley knives etc...  With a bit of luck this will work out.  I now need to find a supplier for the beading that makes frames.  It must be cheaper to buy this on-line than go to a frame shop and buy a length 'over the counter'.

I am incredibly fortunate to be in a position where I can shore up my progress and bed it in thoroughly.  I feel I am more or less the 'old Jane' without the anxiety.  In other words I do a passable impression of Dylan in The Magic Roundabout.  I am consciously trying not to let things get to me.  It is hard to comply with the mantra "Stay in the moment" all the time!  I had a slight panic this afternoon when my guide dog was obviously unhappy and uncomfortable.  My partner remembered that Rainbow had eaten a large bar of milk chocolate yesterday afternoon!  Straight to the vet.  Huge squits in the vet's car park.  The ultimate social faux pas!!!  Checked over.  He is fine and has some syrup and chicken and rice dinners.  Poor dog.  Caught me though.  I thought he was going to die and stayed in the car.  I knew he wasn't but I felt he was.  Bonkers - but at least I can see it for what it is.  Rainbow is now well settled under my desk, snoozing, as I type.  He will think his throat is cut living on chicken and rice for a little while.  He is a black lab to the marrow - and is simply a huge stomach on four legs.

My brother has had the inspired idea of creating an entry in Wikapedia for our Dad.  In his chosen profession as a magician, pupeteer, children's entertainer and producer he was well-known and widely respected.  I think it would be a super thing to do.

Off to see our son soon and to head over to Guildford.  I am taking piles of books to read ready for the conference and a DVD we are invited to watch.  I must also start some preliminary notes for the paper I need to give - feels like old times.

On return from this trip south I am continuing to routinise as much as I can.  It sounds strange to say I am looking forward to it - but I am.  I can't wait to cook again - properly - although I am seriously out of practise - and the paper I have to write will be the first piece of serious academic work in several months.  Gently does it.

Say it with Flowers

I am having real problems posting blogs at the moment.  Fingers crossed this will go through.  If it does I'll try writing more.  Having lost the last three I am fed up with trying!

70th Birthday Celebrations

I am writing this whilst devouring a fresh cream eclair.  Birthday celebrations - my partner is 70.  It feels quite unbelievable - but he is - and looking and feeling good to boot.

Recently approached a couple of local galleries and sent some photos of canvases through to them.  Feedback from one gallery was very straightforward - my style wasn't their thing.  The other gallery have been unbelievably helpful and positive.  My work shows potential but I need to work on technique and technical issues.  I told my art therapist on the phone today about this huge boost and she said it was a little like playing the piano - you need to practice the scales to get anywhere.  True enough.  I will now research some short art courses - and with the help of the gallery I now have some contacts for local Highland exhibitions that I may be able to contribute to.  Wow.  Yippeeeee.  So the painting is really dveloping hands, feet and a heart of it's own.

I was taken out to lunch by a rather handsome 70 year old man.  We went to one of our favourite watering holes and it was a wonderful opportunity to wear my birthday trousers (as opposed to suit) - gorgeous patchwork!  I felt like the bees knees even if I probably resembled Worzle Gummidge in reality. I don't care I LOVE them! 

We have had a smashing celebratory day.  Much as usual with the mix of jobs and activities - but spun with the knowledge that we have something so very special to celebrate.

70th Birthday

 

Today I celebrate nativity.

The catalytic effect of chronology illuminated by experience.

Looking into your eyes I catch the sparkle

That took my breath away on a wet evening long ago.

I hold the hand of my greatest friend as we dawdle past the fragrances of early summer;  kids at heart.

I see in you an extraordinary life living and enjoying the moment; basking in the mindfulness of the day.

You have taught me to be present; the joy of spontaneity and the excitement of the moment.

You have offered me love; the intimacy of being what you are not simply showing what you mean

You have patiently taught me to delight in trains, scenery and driving down paths that you insist are county lanes.

And I have made you laugh; dance and fly, but not necessarily in that order.

I join with our family and our friends in delighting in the day you were birthed and all that has come to be.

I raise my cup of tea to an intoxicating teatotaller with the desire to be himself and live his dream.  JEWG

Weaning

I am thoroughly enjoying my chosen status of 'the first days of the rest of my life'.  I have been working on an abstract canvas and it has been surprisingly hard work to get it how I want it.  I have needed to somehow 'listen' to the picture - sit with it and respond so I don't over paint or leave it too soon.  It is a very pleasing process.

I am trying not to feel self-indulgent.  74,000 dead in China doesn't help - but I have to be in my space, doing what I am put on the planet to do.

I have received some brilliant celebrations of my birthday; a school friend sent a card depicting a wonderful painting of a shop named after her!  Another sent a beautifully evocative worship song; another - a witty handmade card designed around a spider's web!  My brother bought me a novel with the subtitle "God is dead.  Now meet the kids!" which I will read when we travel South to see our son.  He also found a wonderful contemporary interpretation in picture book of "The Tragical Comedy of Punch and Judy".  This was a particularly absorbing choice as our Dad, Mum and maternal Grandfather were all skilled pupeteers.  My Dad and Grandfather were both Punch and Judy performers in the traditional mould - and my Dad and Mum were excellent at using a swazzle - the reed which makes the high-pitched Punch-voice.  As a family we could all handle marionettes from toddler age - but Punch - apart from setting out the booth (my job) was very much the 'grown-ups' domain.  Funnily enough I wrote a dissertation on Punch and Judy when I was an undergraduate.  Somewhere I have a copy of Dad's Punch script.  It would be interesting to see whether it has dated - he would have last performed in the mid 1970s.

I have been trying to get a sense of why I suddenly seem to be surfacing after this last mental health relapse.  I remember exactly the same thing happened the last time; it was as if I suddenly woke up - and felt better.  This time I have made some big decisions about how I want to live. For once I intend to take my own advice and live in a way which in-fills and enables me to thrive - for my own sake and not at the expense of any one else.  I am fortunate to have a partner who has courage and knows himself.  That makes any transitional behaviours in me much more manageable.  He isn't trying to pull me back all the time into old ways of relating or doing.

The main difference is that I establish what I need and want before I begin to ask whether it is appropriate to adapt or develop my thinking to include or enable another.  I feel I have energy; humour and a zest for life.  The interesting thing is that the life is still a fully vocational life - but driven by practising what I preach rather than preaching what I long to practice.

Designed for Living

 

Waking to a blue sky and sunshine when it is pouring with rain.

Dressing with a song in my heart, when the post brings bills and the phone demands I concentrate and I lose my socks to a Golden Retriever having fun.

Settling to tasks, with half a mind playing with my imagination and dancing with the angels while my fingers answer e-mails and delete those concerned with primarily with my sexual prowess.

Taking time to be; to rest and enjoy while there are still numerous tasks to be done and calls on my attention,

Knowing it can wait and the ceiling won't, actually, fall down.

 

JEWG

Born to be Free

Happy Birthday to me!

Happy Birthday to me!

Forty-seven today.  The first day of the rest of my life - and I am doing the very best to treat it so.  Claiming my freedom!

I've had a smashing birthday - taken out to lunch by my partner and then attending an art therapy session.  It was hard work in the session as I touched some parts of my story which still feel raw.  I was surprised.  I'm working on an abstract in these sessions in pastels.  You can spot my mood at any one point by how vigorous I have used the colours!!!  Good work though.  Opened some past experiences up for a bit of an airing.

I am struggling with the media reporting on the castrophes in Burma and China.  Having recently finished Hegemony or Survival by Noam Chomsky, I feel my eyes have been opened about how stark globalisation and capitalist interpretations of it really are.  There is no such thing as open-hearted and handed offers of aid and emergency support by western super-powers to regimes that operate a very different social order.  The power differential is wrong for a start - but in addition - there is a justified suspicion about the underlying motivation in such apparent acts of charity.  Having read Hegemony I have a certain sympathy for Burma's Junta in particular wanting to sort it's own internal needs without western 'interference'.  History shows there will always be a moment when a pay-back is required.

The pictures and articles showing so many lives lost have left us all feeling helpless.  Throwing a donation or two at a relief charity or Christian AId - helps assuage some of the guilt and horror - but feels to me, atleast, as a fairly easy gesture; I am left feeling too comfy and untouched somehow by the power and tragic nature of all that has happened.  Some of the reasons why these disasters have been so horrific are due to endemic issues.  Schools built in a possible high risk area with insufficient safety and structural endurance.  Inadequate infrastructure; poor disaster planning; corruption and misappropriation of funds at all levels.  Some of the pain and suffering is caused by aspects of living which are well within human control.

One of my old friends recently died.  She requested donations to her local church youth club - but had she lived and heard news of Burma and China I am sure she wouldn't have minded me remembering her through a donation to these causes instead.  She would probably have accused me of being my usual woolly liberal self.  I will miss her hugely. She would argue on a purely intellectual level the hind leg off a donkey.  We rarely agreed but loved each other all the more for that.

I've missed my mum, Bea, today too.  First birthday without her.  It's funny it's her bossiness I've missed most!  She was always a busy bunny around birthdays whereas my partner and I are hopeless.  We aren't good at the 'say it with cards' stuff and have a very laid back attitude to buying for the sake of having something to give.  I spotted my presents a while ago.  Better to have things I would really love.  Courtesy of on-line shopping I ordered what I wanted.  Not romantic - but great to have the chance to choose.  I am beyond being polite to my partner - and he would much rather I had what I like rather than wore something he had chosen and I felt obligated to wear - like the year he bought a pendant suitable for a size 8 midget - not good - you needed a magnifying glass to find it on my ample breasts.  (Too much information I know - but you see my point).  Still he enjoyed finding it.

I've received some super cards which have made me feel loved and special.  Last night as I prepared for bed I was singing *I'm gonna be born tomorrow, born tomorrow, born tomorrow!"  Sure enough I have been.  I am well enough now to have a choice and I have chosen life; a vocational life which still gives me goose bumps and tingles when I think about it.

I have received some smashing gifts too.  I am intending to raid the art shop in Nairn over the next few days - mostly for canvases.  To me, chosen by me from my partner and me - to me - a Skye Batik smock (coming in the post) with a repair to one of my old ones.  (One of the dogs got to the smock when I had foolishly left dog treats in the front pouch - huge hole as a result).  Skye Batiks have been stars and have darned the hole (a little technical for me - who thinks sewing involves Bostik) and I couldn't resist a new one!  Also a pair of very fetching patchwork trousers.  (I think I am claiming my individuality BIG TIME just now!!!)

SO what are this particular new borns' plans?  To keep evolving a sense of well-being.  Wait for the next invitation or opportunity - they always have come in the past - and I haven't had to go looking before - so I will see what turns up.  Alongside this - a top priority is to increase my social network locally.  Plenty for a pre-toddler to cope with.

I saw a neighbour this afternoon walking another neighbour's dog.  She seemed genuinely pleased to see me out and about and she simply said "Keep it up".  No odes of sympathy or arias of empathy - not even deeply expressed concern - just "Keep it up".  I think that pretty much sums up the present moment and my heartfelt future intent.

Watching and LIstening

I imagine it is me who climbs

to the very peak

and sits alone,

weeping on the hill.

Looking out I can see

The tragedy of life thrust into eternity.

Shattered lives

That leave me help-less

Interred in desperate, guilt-driven platitude;

Yearning to make things better

Yet stultified by the vastness of the task.

Into the void, does not come human comfort.

Into the devastation, dis-ease and un-rest disarm.

In amongst death baleful silence;

The stench of hopefulness dying,

A vision takes shape of a just and safe world.

Where human beings are not valued

By geographic location.

Where any disaster; anywhere - is like a

wound to all our souls.

Where compassion and mercy are the crack squad

Sent to relieve human misery

And clean water and rice are the communion of love

Made known.

Beautiful Day

Just started working up notes on Generation X for a paper later in the summer.  Mmmm. 

Mended curtains in Edmund our caravan with my unique style of invisible needlework - stitching that is so large even I can see it at a distance!!!

Am horribly aware that our gardens looks like a jungle - and must make an effort to clear it a little.  Everything is dancing with health and almost growing as you watch - so I am disinclined to spoil the weeds fun.  (That must be the ultimate liberal position).

Planning a major pilgrimage to the vet.  Bertie - tabby has a tick on his lip; Mungo needs his booster - collie x and my guide dog Rainbow is making smells that have the potential to knock me out at several paces.  Incredible pongs. 

Teazle our older cat has been hugely loving since he spent a week at the cattery.  He has become quite possessive of me - insisting he sleeps next to me on the bed!  During the day - he snuggles with Jo, our collie who 'owns' the duvet once the humans have finished with it.  Amazing sight the two together - touching and snoozing the day away.  I feel quite nostalgic for duvet days.

Perfect for being outside today.  Water catching the light.  Beautiful.  Peaceful.  Extraordinary.

Slices of Life

Recently I was sent some wonderful photos of the French branch of my family.  My partner and I had a good look through them this afternoon and were struck by how many similarities there were between the families.  My cousin is a master engineer we could tell by looking at his photographs of a garden railway layout he has constructed.

My son feels blood relationships are stongest.  I think they are distinctive and there is no doubt I understand my identity within a context which is a group of people who share similar DNA.  However, I feel I am who I am because of my experience - and so those I have chosen to share life with have profoundly influenced the person I am becoming.  Blood relationships are a very real benchmark for me but I feel they are just the beginning of the journey.  Becoming fully myself is a life long activity, aided and occasionally abetted - or perhaps reflected by friends, wider family and Life.

In the photographs I saw the essence of Wallman identity.  A passion for construction; creativity; love of animals; attention to detail - almost to an autistic level of engagement; tenaciousness - and love of a natural environment; introversion; a certain self-awareness.

In my heart I know that how I have interpreted this blue print in  all I have done with the raw materials.  Within this context genes are less important than mutual respect and care.  For all that - still fascinating to see when something is nature and not nurture.