Weaning

I am thoroughly enjoying my chosen status of 'the first days of the rest of my life'.  I have been working on an abstract canvas and it has been surprisingly hard work to get it how I want it.  I have needed to somehow 'listen' to the picture - sit with it and respond so I don't over paint or leave it too soon.  It is a very pleasing process.

I am trying not to feel self-indulgent.  74,000 dead in China doesn't help - but I have to be in my space, doing what I am put on the planet to do.

I have received some brilliant celebrations of my birthday; a school friend sent a card depicting a wonderful painting of a shop named after her!  Another sent a beautifully evocative worship song; another - a witty handmade card designed around a spider's web!  My brother bought me a novel with the subtitle "God is dead.  Now meet the kids!" which I will read when we travel South to see our son.  He also found a wonderful contemporary interpretation in picture book of "The Tragical Comedy of Punch and Judy".  This was a particularly absorbing choice as our Dad, Mum and maternal Grandfather were all skilled pupeteers.  My Dad and Grandfather were both Punch and Judy performers in the traditional mould - and my Dad and Mum were excellent at using a swazzle - the reed which makes the high-pitched Punch-voice.  As a family we could all handle marionettes from toddler age - but Punch - apart from setting out the booth (my job) was very much the 'grown-ups' domain.  Funnily enough I wrote a dissertation on Punch and Judy when I was an undergraduate.  Somewhere I have a copy of Dad's Punch script.  It would be interesting to see whether it has dated - he would have last performed in the mid 1970s.

I have been trying to get a sense of why I suddenly seem to be surfacing after this last mental health relapse.  I remember exactly the same thing happened the last time; it was as if I suddenly woke up - and felt better.  This time I have made some big decisions about how I want to live. For once I intend to take my own advice and live in a way which in-fills and enables me to thrive - for my own sake and not at the expense of any one else.  I am fortunate to have a partner who has courage and knows himself.  That makes any transitional behaviours in me much more manageable.  He isn't trying to pull me back all the time into old ways of relating or doing.

The main difference is that I establish what I need and want before I begin to ask whether it is appropriate to adapt or develop my thinking to include or enable another.  I feel I have energy; humour and a zest for life.  The interesting thing is that the life is still a fully vocational life - but driven by practising what I preach rather than preaching what I long to practice.

Designed for Living

 

Waking to a blue sky and sunshine when it is pouring with rain.

Dressing with a song in my heart, when the post brings bills and the phone demands I concentrate and I lose my socks to a Golden Retriever having fun.

Settling to tasks, with half a mind playing with my imagination and dancing with the angels while my fingers answer e-mails and delete those concerned with primarily with my sexual prowess.

Taking time to be; to rest and enjoy while there are still numerous tasks to be done and calls on my attention,

Knowing it can wait and the ceiling won't, actually, fall down.

 

JEWG

Comments

[carolynn]

Out from the chrysalis emerges a beautiful butterfly....
resurrection.....
I hear something of a bounce in your words Jane.....which is wonderful to share.

[Dissertation Writing]

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[Masters Dissertation]

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