Are the voices in my head too loud for you?

Questions and Contemplations

A big thank you to everyone who has been e-mailing me with reflections, comments and questions regarding creating community.  Some extremely important issues have been raised.  The three questions that have appeared in a variety of guises are:

What would this community be for?

What would the community do?

How would we manage conflict, particularly when a relationship within the community and with an individual broke down in a way which felt beyond help?

I would very much value feedback in all three areas.  I have been reflecting a little in recent days on each of these.  My initial reaction when I heard the first two questions raised was to think they had been covered in earlier blogs and the discussion documents.  That is partially true - but there is always more to be said.  When I began to blog about the possibility of setting up a community, many of the thoughts expressed by all of us interested in the concept were tentative and very provisional.  Mine even more than most in some ways.  Perhaps, now, when we don't have the pressure of considering a particular path offered by a property or location, it is a good time to step back and ask again some absolutely fundamental questions about the nature of what we hope to do.

What would community be for?

We started with thoughts of Christian witness and even subverting by example and role modelling some of the secularising elements of contemporary western society.  From within the whole idea of community I guess I was operating from the basic model we created when we first set up The Sanctuary.  As we prayed and created the space we now have, we settled on the following guiding principles:

To be a seeker searching for spiritual authenticity with practical implications in every day life.

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To be open to transformation in myself and others.

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To be compassionate and ethical in my care of all that is created.

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To seek justice and act with integrity.

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To be creative and celebrate my own uniqueness.

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To be in community with others to whom I am accountable.

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To forgive myself, other people and my God.

Alongside attempting to live these principles, my belief is that a community who pray together and share things in common - possessions (a chapel and maybe workshop or studio in our case) emotional and intellectual concerns, fellowship, prayer and worship, can grow into a formidable spiritual focus for good in the world.  Unpacked further I have decribed this theologically as being blessed, broken and distributed for Christ.  In practice, I believe community life centred on prayer, work and fellowship within an extended 'household' can be a centre for 'metanoia' (transformation) of the individual; the community; and the world.

If we take the potential of prayer seriously then at the very least it has the capacity to dramatically alter our own understanding and perspective.  At the very best, it is the very fibre that holds the cosmos in it's place - it is the language of love, relationship, the mystical and the unknowable.  If a community centre themselves on a life which is focused around a life authentically lived it is saying something powerful about what matters to human beings and to the world.  Community would be for others - that others might claim life and live it in abundance.  Community is for us to learn how to be more fully ourselves and to celebrate others being the same.

From outside community, looking in I can see we could be  a source of inspiration and encouragement; a place of nurture, hospitality and hope.  I am sure some will challenge and misunderstand our motivation - that's the nature of human beings and relationship.  I think we could be refreshingly different because we are trying to do something which is not often seen in community.  We are attempting to breakdown the conventional dynamics of co-dependency that often inadvertently evolve in these contexts.

One way we are doing this is through the independence of each community member to own their plot and live on it how they choose.  There is perhaps a little less flexibility for those on lower incomes or who choose to stay for shorter periods in community - but I think we are seeking from the outset the encourage people to own who they are by acknowledging their stories so far - the gains and the pain.  The founders of this community will have to be special people.  Open-handed and generous minded about themselves and other people - they will be the cornerstones for all that follows.

We may well be construed as dreamers and idealists.  I suspect this will mostly be by people who have never lived for an extended period in community.  Anyone who knows what it is like realises  it is the most honing of experiences.  You are called to be present for others and to repeatedly recall that you have neither a monopoly on insight nor process.  We are all changed by interrelating and engaging with others. 

There is an intensity which accompanies community living which is challenging because it is relentless.  Even with the very gentle Rule of Life I am proposing of regular worship, the sharing of a meal together each week or so, and some time to housekeep together - we will be amazed at how often individuals will 'rub each other up the wrong way' or misunderstandings will occur.  These are healthy signs that people and the process we are engaged in matter - but they have an intensity and demand a level of commitment and non-avoidance which is not even readily modelled in family life.  In most families those adept at avoidance can exist quite happily in their comfort zones as other family members compensate for their emotional, intellectual or physical absence.  Not so easy in community where we are held in accountable relationship with one another.

So Utopia it is not.

Loving, fun, unusual, challenging, hopeful and creative it is.

What would community do?

I guess the answer is whatever individuals can afford to do and which is legal!  This is a difficult question to address until we know who will be in the founding membership.  Some, like myself, may work from home.  Others I hope will be 'active' or 'not so active' retired.  A few will work in employment which takes them elsewhere to work. For other people  I don't imagine for one minute we will all be busy, busy, busy.  But some will need to be because they still have young families - or bills and mortgages to pay.  Whatever vocational path an individual or household is called to follow, it is important the person feels supported in prayer, fellowship and practical ways for the task they feel called to undertake.

Alongside the recognition of the personal callings, there needs to also be the space to respond to those who use The Sanctuary or who come to stay for longer periods.  How involved an individual is in this will depend on their values, skills and experience.

Managing conflict?

Never easy - and we do need to begin to think this through.

At the moment I think that a person expressing unhappiness at their lot as a community member, would go through some sort of discernment process to leave.  There are a number of things to consider.  Has the person experienced this level of feeling in other contexts?  Is there more that could be reasonably done to help the person feel more settled?  Can the person identify the cause of the difficulty(ies)?  Is the situation resolvable?  If the answers suggest there is little or no room for the person to evolve a sense that community living is bringing them life - then it is surely time for the person to move on.  I feel we should offer as much help as the person feels able to receive from us to make a positive, fresh start.  As I see life as a process - I do not personally see times of transitions and change as failure or success - they are part of the process of becoming more fully ourselves.  I would certainly encourage partings to be marked properly - so there is a sense of genuine closure as far as possible.

Grievances should be handled by a procedure which is agreed and honoured by all members of community.  This would need to be evolved as part of our founding, shared agreement.  There are many models for this, but the process of active listening; reflecting what has been heard and seeking constructive resolution is a common pattern with review built in at various stages.

Disputes are more difficult - and perhaps we return to the guiding principles for how these can be handled.  I am not a great fan of community meetings where 'charges' or 'accusations' are presented.  My preferred way of working would be for those individuals who are in disagreement to attempt resolution between themselves with as few others involved in the process as possible.  Taking sides can be destructive,.  When this is not possible then others inside the community would need to be involved.  Often disputes are rooted in fear, projection and/or misunderstanding.  Negativity can be debilitating and feel very threatening and disturbing.  It is therefore hugely important that we evolve effective and appropriate ways of sharing negative feelings and thoughts as well as emphasisimg encoragement and blessing in our thoughts, dealings and conversations about  and with each other.

Well, I guess this is a start...

farewell to roeberry house, orkney

sad day.  we have taken the decision to withdraw from the process of exploring purchasing roeberry.  we have thrown in the towel for all the right, pragmatic reasons, but it was a powerful dream while it lasted, and i feel sure we will look back on this time and see it as the dress  rehearsal for the main event.  very moving and powerful even if it wasn't the one.  it certainly helped me firm up what i think we need - and are looking for. 

there was so much in the short to medium term that felt right about the house.  as a family home it would have been wonderful - and a little quirky.  us.  but we aren't looking for an unusual family home.  that would be a bonus if we get this too.  right now i'd settle for a static caravan and a view.

i think it's fair to say roeberry challenged different people in varying ways; sea crossing; remotness; community; maintenace of property and so on.  roeberry had the potential on a number of levels to be pretty much spot on - once retreatants and community members had got over the shock that it was on orkney.

the problem that finally sunk the house as the base for the community was our discussion with the planning department in kirkwall.  the grounds and outbuildings are laid out in such a way that it looked an excellent prospect for a partial conversion (stables, loft and garage plus stores) combined with a series of new builds to house community members alongside singles living in part of the main house - and retreatants in a purpose converted outbuilding with good disability access etc...  thank god we made detailed enquiries at this stage and had a clear idea of what we would need (in theory).  policy for this part of south ronaldsay is unequivocal. development should only be on an existing footprint and be driven by providing accommodation for agricultural or re-forestation workers housing.  tourism can be considered - but i had the sense this was a stickier wicket.  besides, the reality is that we don't want to build a set of holiday homes and become a tourist stopover - we want to create a place of retreat and creativity.

clearly all those seriously interested in the community project have also been beavering away on google and similar to get the low-down on island life.  forty foot waves in the pentland firth last november certainly add a sense of swashbuckling adventure (STV covered an item including this gem today).  care systems, education and health all sounded excellent.  distinctive. proud. efficient and concerned to maintain quality in island life.

there was so much there on the island that was attractive - but now we know roeberry isn't for us - i am inclined to visit next in winter before i look at any more houses on the island - seriously.  this property also had huge time constraints with a family who need to be moved and settled in their new location - well - yesterday.  so there wasn't the sense of time and space to think that we enjoyed when we purchased our current home.  we would have had trouble hitting their dates - whatever we had decided.

inevitably we also did some research over the pricing of the property.  we are fortunate that in the distant past s thought he might train as a surveyor - it turned out not to be his thing - but he looks at buildings and assesses them with a surveyor's eye.  if all the remedial works are completed - it looks a sound enough building - but maintenance costs with 12' ceilings have to be considered.  our guess is, that having viewed, we would have been a disappointment in terms of our offer too.  it wouldn't be worth £500k plus to us.  might well have done if it was on the mainland of scotland - but alas...

for now we mark the end of a flurry of excited, hopeful activity and allow the adrenalin to settle.  we look forward to checking out other possibilities - but we are in no hurry.  i have a wrist and hand to mend - and then so much to do to catch up.

when we find the place, i think we will know it.  i suspect we won't need many words either to decide - if that makes sense.  it's probably the medication.  wrist is still killing.  legs hard to walk on - i look like a blueberry muffin - purple blotches on squiggy skin.

today is my brother's birthday.  happy birthday jim.

jim

big brother

i have never felt

you scrutinise or watch;

manipulate or challenge

for the sake of making

my life easier or better viewing.

big brother

you have always been for me

a person with purpose

with a sense of who and what he wants to

be.

big brother

thank you for being there,

not always seen

but known.

big brother

enjoy,

for you are in control;

work up the story-lining of your destiny.

there's everything to play for,

because your little sister says so.

processes of trust

bit sorry for myself today.  battered and bruised - visited accident and emergency again as wrist is swelling and feeling uncomfortable.  i am being impatient and not resting enough.  reassured, but disappointed.  the healing will take longer than i had anticipated - six weeks or so.  my expletives were colourful.  as always timing is impeccable ... not.

sleep restored perspective.

medication gives life a gentle, pink hue.

good time to make life changing decisions.

probably.

far less complicated than when i am firing on all cylinders.

lots of very powerful and moving conversations regarding discerning a future base for the resident community today.  there is a great deal to consider and inevitably we all have different overriding concerns.  ultimately keeping the channels of communication open, healthy and fluid are key.  we are founders together of a vision - and we are, therefore, a blessing to each other and potentially to those we will settle alongside.

roeberry, the island retreat, sits on her pennisular and beckons seductively.  despite other possibilities that pop up from time to time in other parts of the country, i am aware that this house has a siren call.  part of it for me is that she inhabits a small and therefore knowable world with few inhabitants and places.  even i can master the layout of the islands with my partial sight.  part of the attraction is that the location is so very different topographically.  it is unexpected.  it makes you think differently.  human beings are not in control of this landscape.  they have to work respectfully with the landscape and the weather.  aircraft and ferries move when it is safe to do so - humanity is kept in its place in a way.  reminded it is part of an eco-system and not the puppet master of the planet's destiny.  the island lifestyle challenges theologically, spiritually and socially several assumptions about what is important.  it isn't comfortable or predictable.  reading the blogs of orcadians, quite clearly island life is a social and practical leveller.  whether it's the wind (pretty much constant) or attending the film show in the community hall - people gather and re-group, exchange information and, by all accounts, support.  this is challenging of course, orcadian communities must be much the same as anywhere with a mix of personalities and experience - not to mention resistence to in-comers.  much as i would love to live in a fantasy world which is a cross between 'whisky galore' and shangri-la, i recognise wherever we move to we will be bringing our emotional experince - and we will be gathering with others who have their own stories to tell.  we will be settling, nesting alongside very ancient ways of living.

for now i am gathering others thoughts on what island life might mean for them.  i am also attempting to get my head around how the property could be utilised.

i am excited.

i am also concerned.

i feel like a shepherd whose responsibility is to facilitate the grazers to find fertile soil where they will grow and fulfil their vocations, for through that process i will be well on my way to fulfilling mine.

roeberry zones

i am writing in lower case because i am typing with two fingers of my right hand only.  very e.e. cummings.  yesterday i had a nasty fall.  now i am sporting a fractured hand and a wrist with bone splintered off; a black eye which would rival a champion boxer's; a bruised shoulder -  the shape of the bruise is strangely reminiscent of iona - is this a sign; and damaged right knee - tissue and bruising has caused the knee to swell and makes me feel as though i am walking on molten lava shock absorbers.  i feel i got off lightly though.  i tripped on uneven paving between wards where i work as a volunteer chaplain.  it must have caused quite a stir when the ambulance arrived to pick up an employee as it were.  colleagues were brilliant.  i felt very well looked after, but it was quite a shock.  once i'd fallen i was sure i had really badly messed up my already smashed up right knee.  i had a serious road traffic accident in the mid 1980s which has left me with the knee of an 80 year old. hence my reluctance to kneel to pray or genuflect.   this morning i thought my right knee was permanently stuck - it got going though - and i am so relieved that the damage to that part of my body at least is mostly bruising.

i am officially slowed down - the swelling in my hand is amazingly impressive - and i have painkillers that look like rhino knock out drops - no comments please.

on tuesday we went over to orkney as planned.

it was a perfect day to visit a future potential home because it was cold - wax jacket, scarf and gloves while the south of england baked.  it rained or drizzled much of the day - and the sun shone for a minute or two - long enough though for me to plead with it to go in again because, as i watched the light dance on the water, there was an increasing danger i would become utterly smitten with the island and throw all caution to the wind and become a woman possessed.  c.s. lewis said 'beware a woman with a mission'.

before i say much about the property i need to mention that the last e-mail from the owner suggests that she might be about to receive a cash offer from an american-orcadian on a site unseen basis - so what i am about to write could well be kicked into touch by the ebullience of a trans-atlantic bidder. 

i know the family at the house need to move swiftly so i can only wish them well whilst still needing to explore further from our community experience perspective what we need and whether roeberry, south ronaldsay could work with us and for us. by comparison we must seem to them like terrible slow tops - but this is a big decision for us - and we really don't want to be faffed with moving again or to make a mistake which impacts on the dreams of our brothers and sisters - thus aborting the embryonic aspirations of shared community.

orkney - i adored. it must be love that i'm feelin'.

it is very different - the lack of trees is startling but it makes the place distinctive too.  no traffic lights on the island; no foxes; the lowest crime rate in britain.  some cultural and ethnic mix with asian, chinese, polish and other european folks settling - first and second generations.  kirkwall, the capital is like a small english market town fifty years ago.  contemporary shops in minature with old fashioned values of politeness and friendliness. very beguiling and safe-feeling.  people work hard to get on together.

roeberry is about a twenty-five minute drive from the capital and a five minute drive from the village of st margaret hope.  the village, on the shore, of the pentland firth provides the ferry 'terminal' for the hour crossing to gills bay - the scottish mainland - six miles away.  for those who have spent time with us here - a useful image to hold in mind is the view from the garden across to the black isle.  the moray firth is about four miles across where we are.  the distance from gills bay to south ronaldsay where the ferry lands is about six miles.  the house - five minutes up the hill. the scottish mainland visible from the house.

the pentland firth is renown for some cross currents - our crossing was murky but uneventful - going was slow in places because of current - but it didn't feel too choppy - but this is june.  the vessel carries cars, lorries and people - so is pretty substantial.  the crossing took about one hour fifteen and you have to queue for half an hour at least before you are loaded onto the ferry - and it takes a few minutes to get everyone off once you arrive on the island.  you need to be a confident driver - there's backing involved.

st margaret hope has an intimate fishing village feeling with post office, grocery store and general store.  there's an inn, backpacker hostel, old-fashioned telephone box, gallery and a scattering of bed and breakfast establishments. 

we did our recce of the village and headed off to kirkwall.

kirkwall surpassed expectations - offering all the ammenities and steeped in history.  i was caught by the relaxed style of the place and the sense of openness and trust.  st. magnus cathedral dominates.  i was only sorry we didn't have time to explore it.

we drove back and viewed roeberry.  there was masses to take in.

the grounds are magical.  a coppice of sycamore with blubells took my breath away.  it had a magical quality and a delightful atmosphere.  apparently various family pets are buried there from the previous owner's era.  the property remained with the family that built it in 1861 until it was sold a couple of years ago.  there are masonic symbols on pinnacles at roof level on the house.  it was also used for interring prisoners of war.

the property has 4.2 acres divided into a series of walled rooms with some open pastureland and the coppice.  there are two stables, various stores, two garages, a loft which has outline planning permission, and a semi-derelict summer house.

the garden is beautifully planted but a little neglected - it would need very little love to breath life back into it.

chickens and a feral cat come with the house.

the house is another matter.  it is substantial - 7 bedrooms - 2 with en suite, 1 with a shower room and all the rest with washbasins.  there's a substatial drawing room, dining room, library, snug, sitting room, large kitchen with a stanley and large cooking range, cloakroom, downstairs bathroom, laundry room and downstairs bedroom with en suite.  huge.

part of the house offers a small flat with a tiny kitchen - the former staff quarters but this doesn't have independent access.

it's a quirky house.  there's a sense in which it's a fur coat and no knickers property - with a lot of gorgeous original features in the public rooms and a rather less embellished first floor.  a surprising kitchen BUT it is very individual - and i can imagine community being founded and created here.  sustained there - that's the question.

finding the property has been wonderful - just when i was beginning to think we would never find a place we could afford and do what we needed to it - roeberry appeared.

where it initially caught me proved not to be significant in the end which is interesting.  occasionally i have visions.  with some earthed and pragmatic spiritual direction over the years i have ceased to see these as disturbing but as windows into a possible future reality.  possible is the keyword - there can be a strong element of wish-fulfilment or even need manifestation.  for these reasons i take visions seriously.  i saw my foster daughter and my son - long before they were physically manifest in my life.  i saw myself doing a particular job - which came to be - although at the time of the vision i didn't know the place or recognise quite what i was doing there.

in one vision i saw the outline of part of a garden.  the community is founded.  i am an elderly woman walking with sticks.  i can hear voices and see the plants and a high stone wall with an arched opening.  there is a large wooden door with old fashioned furnishings.  since then houses with high stone walls with wooden gates...

...i take houses with these appendages seriously whilst also remembering they may represent just one potential reality.  the atmosphere in the walled garden wasn't the same as in the vision...  roeberry can be explored on it's own merits therefore without additional intuition/interference.

the gardens at roeberry are glorious but untamed.

the house ticks many boxes.

with additional rented pasture it would be possible to offer sanctuary for animals.

the flat although not self-contained could offer a haven home.

the stores would convert to make the sanctuary.

some land could be used for a further build.

big questions are:

would people come

is the psychological gap of the pentland firth just a step or perhaps a paddle too far

the facilities for care, disabled people, special needs etc... are impressive on the island as are the cultural pursuits, but what would we miss

would we always be incomers

i believe god's call is to create and found community - i long for a distinctive place for this to happen.  lindisfarne, iona, could it be orkney - or do we all feel at a heart level that mainland uk is where we need to be - or perhaps another island...

i know some of us have a huge attachment for mull.  i am nervous about building community there because of the proximity to iona and the inevitable confusion that would result, but i would be very interested to reflect further on what it is about mull which feels good and positive.

so much.

anyone free on 18th june - 19th/20th for a trip to orkney.

Sixtieth Birthday Celebration

For G:

Sixty

Celebration of such a day as this

Is so much  more than a pat on the back

to a delightful, good fellow, well-met.

It is a chance to parcel up and neatly tie

a gift of friendship and delight

and present it

into your hand.

Addressed tentatively and thoughtfully

to a man who reminds me that life

is to be lived,

with lightness and joy;

with a cursory sniff at the salty air

of transforming hope and forgiveness.

Whilst unpredictable winds

buffet the waves

of changing circumstance and thoughts,

my gift is respectful surprise

to find some of

what I have grown to love

echoed in another's eyes.

A familiar gentleness of engagement

and generosity of heart;

A desire to find self

and playfully delight in all that can become and

has been.

I celebrate today that you

are you and give thanks for all you are

and long to be.

Conerstones and Clarifying Thoughts

Eventful few days.  We are off to view a property in Orkney and ideas of community, prayer, worship, discussion and the practicalities of a move have been filling hearts and minds.  We have had a wonderful week with our son at home.  It has been tremendous to be a family community once more and enjoy being together and having fun.  This has been greatly enhanced by my brother and neices visit last weekend - which reminded our young son of his place in a bigger picture of family life. 

We were thrilled to welcome our son's very first SENCO (special needs co-ordinator) from his school to stay.  It was a joy to transform a former teacher of our son's into a friend and connect with her at a deeper level; we have the fondest and warmest memories.  Now, we are enjoying the company of friends - valued fellow pilgrims who are offering us love, vision and companionship as we create, imagine and re-interpret dreams into possibilities.

My brother was really great to have around - and my neices never cease to amaze me.  Creative, original thinkers with a desire to be themselves - I can only admire them and be a little in awe at how well they know themselves and each other.  I'm a little envious too that they do know each other so well and feel at ease.  My brother and I, with a six year age difference - did not have that level of easy intimacy. 

Over recent days there has been much to reflect upon and think through with friends visiting The Sanctuary. 

The Orkney property is a challenge and requires us to think outside our box and own comfort zones.  I have tried to step back from the property itself which I have fallen in love with, and think instead about firming up the vision of what I see our community striving to become. 

I have a feeling of warm energy and excitement each time I rehearse the evolving vision with those who are expressing an interest. I was so excited the other day - talking with two women about caring for animals especially horses (a mutual love) at the community base.  I am so thankful that there have been people at each step of the journey to discuss with us and help us to shape the vision through our shared dreams, hopes, some penetrating questions and much thoughtful reflection.

So where are we now?

Well, the vision of what we need as a base is clarifying.  The place needs to have a goodly portion of land - probably somewhere over four acres.  The land needs to be suitable for grazing and to grow people and plants - as well as sustain some animals.  There needs to be the potential for partial development - so outbuildings that can be converted or derelict buildings would be an advantage.  The land needs to have an X factor - not just created through clever garden development - but present in the environs too (otherwise Aucheterless would have been an option).  The specialness may be focused in the property's proximity to a major conubation.  A haven - close to ammenities would be one model - perhaps a large, walled garden; a conservation area - where travel to the place is an important part of the inner journey of the soul - another thought; or a place which has a sense of its own identity - delivered by a redundant Kirk or a certain story to tell in the history of the property - a further way forward.

Alongside this we have discovered that we are struggling a bit with a model of living if it is expressed too opulently in the purchase of some grand scottish house which we actually live in.  We are happier with this as a community base and could justify it as such - we give of our best to our guests as a model of hospitality.

We genuinely want to simplify our living rather than complicate it!  Residing in the 'big house' doesn't appeal and feels as though it might even potentially get in the way of the overall purpose of this task if we are caught up in maintaining a large property for no other purpose than to provide us with an oppulent home.

A large property would only have an appeal if it is clear how it could be used for the good of the gathered and wider community.

Lastly, it must be a place which has appeal to a wide cross section of people.  A place where people will feel comfortable and over time become themselves.

That's the place - now to the people. 

We have explored lots of different models with a number of people.  I think we are increasingly comfortable with people feeling a sense of personal call and recognising that we, in turn, must provide a space where this call can be further discerned.  I think we are feeling less and less concerned on the levels of personality about who and why people would like to come alongside - and more interested in the practical systems that would need to be in place to make life as manageable and enjoyable as possible for all concerned.  Whether we get on with people or not feels something of an illusion or transitory emotion.  We will get on some of the time - and even most of the time by the Grace of God and through the practice of blessing and forgiveness. 

What is much more important to us is that people who feel drawn to this concept feel included and supported as they explore whether this is a possibility for them.

I think I am wise enough to know that however attracted I am to friends and family - I struggle, at the best of times, living with myself 24/7 - so I will have good and bad days with whoever I share my life. I do know because I am human that I get things wrong; and sometimes do not value those I have grown to love, nearly enough. 

Community is becoming not a rather precious Christian version of a 'gated estate' but an open, welcoming embracing place to explore and discern.  Where the boundaries need to be would be in accepting that for community to thrive there will need to be balance - ages, gender, in partnership/marriage - and in aspirations. 

If the community is to nurture those in society as a whole and within the Church, there must be a sense in which we take seriously Christ's imperative that we love our neighbour as ourselves.  If we are not taking care of our own needs and having these met in healthy, life-enhancing ways - then we become a needy carer - and it is much harder to be present for another with generosity of heart and spirit when we are constantly looking to see if our needs are being met by the transactions in the relationship.

The base community then, I feel, needs to be a cluster of people who are prepared to take their own needs before God and humanity seriously.  They need to be pragmatists who are prepared to own where their own path to contentment lies - or at least acknowledge a willingness to engage on the journey to discover this.  As the community gathers, worships, holds quiet, and shares - it will experience the process encapsulated in the Eucharist.  Blessed, broken and distributed so that others may find life.

Once a sense of this has been achieved - I feel sure we can begin to be open hearted and minded - and creative in our facilitation of others - and in welcoming others who may feel rather more bruised and battered than we do by the hand life has dealt.

At the moment the idea of parcels of land sounds a good one with common land held as just that.

Alongside this we have come to the conclusion that community would probably operate in practice on four tiers of involvement:

Those who come and live permanently and provide a crucible of mutual engagement to resource, inspire and challenge the Church and Society.

Those who come and live either for longish periods or to discern if they would like to join us.

Those who wish to seek retreat and replenishment.

Those with a connection to community members who wish to stay and visit family and friends.

These are the cornerstones.

Now comes the discernment...

Tingle Day

At last, after a few days when I was beginning to feel as though I had the luck of Job, I am feeling well again!  Hooray!

Today is my husband's birthday - but I have failed, for the first time ever in my partner duties and did not manage to bake a birthday cake,; buy a selection of interesting (but usually whimsical gifts) or to take us out for a meal, picnic or 'event'.  Right up to last night I was feeling fragile although, fortunately the dizziness and nausea had subsided!  I had felt about as much like touring the retail outlets of Inverness or Aberdeen in the last week or so as I have doing a triple, back flip somersault.  At my size that really would be a sight to behold.  Ironies of ironies, despite the lack of gifts and ostentatious displays of worth and affection, we have had a really delightful day.  It sounds unpromising - cleaning our bedroom and sorting out the study - but it was brilliant.  For once, we did it together and I wasn't busy working on the computer.  We had fun; we admired each others work; chatted; stopped and had a longer discussion about "Longford" that gripped us last night on C4.  I can't explain why it worked, but I suspect it was the lack of pressure and the sense that we were able to be present with and for each other.  It was celebratory and gentle.  Unusual and yet mundane - but it worked.

I have managed to get my partner one present - and as he was born at 23:23 on 23rd May - I intend to give him the gift then!

That's if we're still awake!

Fascinating day today also because I have located another possible property to look at for a community base.  It is on Orkney.

Yes ... Orkney!!!

I had a vision years ago of the place I needed to be had arched gateways in a rough stone wall and with a very particular type of knobbled tree wood in the grounds.  I caught my breath and tingled when I saw the wood in the grounds of this property - it was knotted and gnarled - apparently sycamore.  I felt I had been there before.

There are moments when I feel I live in a Susan Howatch novel...

Touching Place

I love returning home.  There's no two ways about it I am essentially a home-loving creature.  I wonder if part of this is to do with the fact that I have actually moved around a lot in my adult life.  I think the urge to root as I move in to middle age is getting more urgent and stronger!

I live in a beautiful spot - and that adds to the delight too.

Part of this is, I am sure, about comfort zones - the need to have a place where I can be as well as do.  I have to say I have never worked so consistently or at such depth anywhere as I do at home.  Sometimes I wonder if I am slightly autistic in this sense.  I rather like predictability - it seems to free me up to be with my own inner reality and reflections!

As I approach my birthday I have, unusually, some time to think about where I am and what's going on in my life.  In recent years more often than not - for all sorts of reasons - birthdays have not been easy things to celebrate.  One of the challenges of fostering is that anniversaries are not always easy times for children who have experince trauma.  We have tended to play down birthday 'celebrations' because they can be overly stimulating - and a highly emotive time - when if something does go wrong - it matters.  So, over the years, we have got used to playing down celebrations.  That makes this year extra special.  I don't have to let my birthday pass.  I can celebrate it and enjoy it.  Bit ironic then, that I will still be on antibiotics - no alcohol - and feeling a bit off colour on the big day.  Grrrrh.

Still, before I disappear into the quagmire of self pity - I have the space - whilst feeling woozy - to think.  Because my brain is very cotton wool at the minute I am not wrestling with myself trying to see all the angles and possibilities.  Instead it feels as though a lot of the secondary 'voices' in my head are snoozing at the minute - so a primary narrative is being heard loud and clear.  This is powerful and important because it is a rare occurence.  Generally I focus on meeting other people's needs and often forget to take full account of my own.  Just now, my brain is taking account of the me-ness of me.  It's enlightening.

I was listening to someone recently talking about what keeps them going spiritually.  My 'list' would have been very similar when I was in a parish setting - going about priestly duties all day every day.

Now, the challanges are different. My world is the world of spirituality and creativity.  The counter-balance; the presenting need is difference.  The fanatasy me would love trips to the theatre and opera - holidays abroad and so on - but the real me - doesn't seem to crave these things - and even senses they might be something of an intrusion.  Much as I love the RSC - I get as much out of sitting and reading a script.  "Henry V" should be in production right now - it is very timely for a country at war.  "Richard II" HRH Harry should read.

In the next year ME requests the pleasure of:

Solitude and silence but also laughter and companionship.

Greenishness - I feel a passion emerging for greenness.  I love the It's not easy being green series on BBC 2.

Paint - more painting.

Continued empathy - inner acceptance.

Learn how to garden.

Together these are my touching place.  How different the list is from even 10 years ago.  Jubilate Deo!

Invitations, connections and challenges

Fascinatingly complex and interesting few days.  Found myself teaching once again at the monastery this last weekend.  We are approaching the end of the academic year so students undergoing their training for ministry inevitably feel stressed with exams approaching and assignments due.  In amongst the gathering of so many individuals for a weekend of formational learning, there was a sense of commonality and from that, over time, community will grow.

We were exploring themes around soul befrinding this weekend and active listening.  We were challeneged to think more deeply after a powerful lecture entitled Looking at the back of God.  A timely reminder that to enjoy the light and joy of pilgrimage, obedience and blessing - we must also acknowledge in our deepest heart place the darkness - the inner vulnerability of not knowing - of recognising the inconsistency and sometimes the banality of an uncritical faith position.

Connections came for me in lacing up past and present.

Old resonances and new interpretations.

Stimulating and invigorating - a rare moment of feeling fully at home in self and in the moment.

Invitations and thwarted ambitions came into my mind.

Years ago, as a young curate, I longed more than anything else to join a spirituality group in my Diocese.  For all sorts of reasons it did not happen.  I felt left out.  I can remember subsequently describing the group in the most hurtful terms as The Magic Circle and implying some of what they did was little more than spiritual masturbation.  These days I can look back and see how hard I took the exclusion - and how little, at the time I was able to appreciate the subtleness of the love in the choices made.  I wasn't being excluded but I wasn't being encouraged to hot house and grow too quickly either.  I needed at that time to concentrate on other things; getting on top of the full-time demands of ministry as a Curate; taking good care of myself and those I love; finding my own style and emphasis - realising something of the uniqueness of calling.  Hard to accept that others had got my number and that their advice was both wise and timely.  Thank you.

This weekend took me full circle and I had much to celebrate and give thanks for.  I was caught during a rare, still, quiet moment before one of the morning Offices at the weekend delighting in just how many wise people have encouraged, supported and positively celebrated the journey I have chosen.

An Archdeacon who chaired my selection conference - and from whom a birthday parcel was received this morning - in preparation for my 46th nativity on Saturday.  The priest who taught me so much about pastoral care when I was a lay assistant and later a Reader in training.  Dead now, I can remember him saying quite simply - listen well and pray hard for those you meet, but most especially for yourself.

A lay woman who supported and nurtured me through training for ministry and beyond.

A priest who became my spiritual director and taught me about silence and how to sit still.

A Bishop who ordained a young rabbit in the headlights of an ordinand and then facilitated her growth, becoming after his retirement, her soul friend for a while.

So many saints for the Kingdom.  Rooted, earthed, real people who are not frighten to be who they are in the fullest sense and by doing so gave me permission to do the same.

Just today I was in touch with the Curate of the church I attended as an adult convert to Christianity.  Memories of well-constructed sermons and thoughtful teaching, flooded my mind.

So many, many things to remember and give thanks for.

I felt such a strong connectedness this weekend that I am still exploring it in my deepest being.

Just for now:

The expectation

in the silence

is that the reaching out is to be

anticipated.

When all is said

and done,

I have taken the time

to be here.

The very least,

I expected

was that you would turn up.

Be around

for the connecting to,

the acknowledging and working up

of existence.

The longed for silence

has been shattered

by searing, aggitated nothingness.

Mismatching anxiety and insecurity.

suppressing

expectation of presence.

Then into the disturbance,

through the cocophany of interuption

comes an expression unanticipated.

The silence contorted is

dispersed by healing mumberances.

The words of compassionate engagement,

empathic encompassing.

The thoughts fill the ether

and flutter lightly on the air.

Gathered in my intensity

the angels sit, holding hands as protection.

Securing for me space to grapple with the Divine

and wrestle gods to the ground.

And in the absence

there is no answer

just the bruised, tender reminder of engagement.

Yet, in the being and the giving,

hope has been found.