Are the voices in my head too loud for you?

A Blessed New Year to You All!

Sincere apologies for such a long period of silence.  I needed some space and so did my partner - but - to quote a song from my vintage "The boys are back in town".  We are preparing for re-entry into a fuller life.

A great deal has happened since Bea's death on 30th November but much of it has been for the good and has had an empowering and healing effect on me.

I have felt consistently much better for a good few days now - and although I still have little energy - the worst symptoms have subsided and I was discharged from the day psychiatric centre a month ago.  Irony of ironies on the day of Bea's death.

I now have a diagnosis.  More at a later date about that - but for now I feel more than half the battle is over.  I feel so much better now I understand a little more about why I feel as I do in many situations.  Again, potentially healing and empowering.

My partner and I have made just one new year's resolution - which is to give ourselves this coming year with an emphasis on evolving the transformations already begun in each of us in different ways.  The Sanctuary will re-open as usual for Holy Week - (Yes C and A) and I will gradually meet up and string together the parts of my life that appeared to fall apart.  It will take a little time so be patient with me, but I have learnt through this illness that I have some very precious, compassionate and committed friends. I have also learnt how much I need them.

I am off the most addictive of the drugs I was taking so can think once again and feel much more.  I can at last enjoy some things and look forward, with pleasure, to what is to come.  There will still be bad days and times when triggers will cause a relapse, but I now understand what I am working with - and as I am collaborative to the marrow - my way forward is to use my vulnerabilities as they are and be in them.  It is there my sense of incarnation resides and finds her being.

I will probably need to be formally off work until Easter or maybe longer as I make the transition from hermit - hardly leaving our bedroom to an active person engaged in actvities fully and in a professionally accountable manner once more - but that's also something to look forward to.

It has been a painful shock and huge wake up call feeling so ill for so long.  Forgive me, but I will now take some time to sniff the air and enjoy the geese and other water fowl parade and practice formation flying from my easel and chair by the sitting room window.

JEWG

Grieving in the Moment

If Bea did need Bertie as a familiar companion as she crossed to her new level of consciousness - she has been kind enough to return him.  Simon woke me at 3.45am by placing Bertie on the bed between us.  He had suddenly appeared in an unusual place for him - on top of our chest of drawers (Teazle's territory).  He tunnelled down the bed - something he has never done before and went fast asleep.  If he went as far as the gates of glory then there is certainly bracken and small burrs near the entrance.

There is a real finality in registering a death. I am glad we weren't hurried on Friday by our own adrenalin and need to complete - or at least get on with everything.  We took the weekend gently.  We visited the Green Burial and we took time to sleep, be still and quiet.

Today has been busy.  Putting the final touches to Bea's funeral liturgy which she had written but I have changed slightly after accompanying her during her last hours; setting the date for the Funeral:

Tuesday, 11th December

at 1pm in The Sanctuary followed by a private Committal at The Crematorium with either just the priest taking the service and myself present or my brother too.

We are making lists - Bea would be proud and gradually applying ourselves to the practicalities.  We are imagining a very small gathering as so many friends are in the South of England - particularly Bea's - so the service will be informal and intimate.  We are asking those who attend to avoid black unless clergy and to wear the kinds of clothes Bea would have been used to seeing them in.  Be comfortable and be present.  We are not dressing up - apart from our son who will wear his Sea Cadet number ones if he can still get into them!

Now to eat that Lasagne that was left yesterday and try and finish the list of before and after the funeral must do's - and trust the wall-papering over my own cracks stays in place a wee while longer.

If you do decide to come to the funeral could you let us know as we will need a bigger venue if more arrive than anticipated!!!  That would be wonderful but we need a rough idea!  After the service which will include an informal Eucharist, there will be a wake - all being well at The Marriot in Inverness.  I may well not come to this as I don't want to push my luck regarding my own health, but there will be informal time later in the evening for any family and close friends to come back to the house.  I was thinking of getting out the super 8 cine film of when we were children!

It is beginning to sink in that Bea has died and that empty ache that accompanies new grief is slowly surfacing.  I am trying not to keep busy.  I need to grieve in the moment this time. 

Jane

Natural Burial Ground

We spent a significant part of the day trogging over to the Cairngorms National Park to visit the Natural Burial Ground -all biodegradeable etc...  The position has it's own beauty but the list of things you couldn't do was longer than we needed and we came to the conclusion it was a bit precious.  We were hoping for something with a little more freedom.  Plant a living wreath - choose freely a tree - but it's a bit like the Caravan Club - you can become a member - but you must follow the rules.

Reluctantly we left.

We are registering Bea's death tomorrow and seeing the funeral director.  All being well things will be clearer after that.

Further sad news is that on the day of Bea's death our cat, Bertie, went missing.  He has never gone away for any length or time.  It has rather spooked me I must admit.  Bertie was a close companion of Bea's often sitting beside her fast asleep on her office chair or watching TV together.  I just hope it was quick. We have searched and called - but he could be anywhere - dead or alive. I need to sleep. I am not coping well with Bertie as well as Bea.  Cuth(Bert) has seen me through some of the worst parts of my illness too. 

When we came home the sun was setting and a large lasagne was waiting for us in the Boot Room.  It was a wonderful surprise - thank you!!!  Sadly though another sign of Bertie's longer term disappearance as there would have been half a lasagne on our return if he was still about.  Such a shame.  He was a doll- an absolute sweetie - but not as streetwise as Teazle I suspect.

Betty June Wallman RIP

Betty June Wallman

12th March 1924 - 30th November 2007

RIP

Bea died at Raigmore Hospital in Inverness at 2.45pm today.  This is Jane blogging really because I have had to very, very rapidly apply elastoplast to my own needs because of Bea, my mother whose illness  suddenly became acute.  I haven't read any of my partner's previous blogs as yet suffice to say that Bea deteriorated very quickly. 

It was discovered that she had a whole new cancer unrelated to her one last year which had developed on her liver and she had secondaries in her kidneys and both lungs not to mention a blood clot on one lung.  I think we all realised how costly her operation and radiotherapy last year was when the first cancer was found.  We feel she made a conscious decision this time to hold on until a point when her Living Will could be inacted seamlessly.  It was and she died with dignity and some flourish; with periods when she was able to realise her death was approaching and we were able to share old jokes.  She passed beautifully and looked very much as she did when she was alive - snoozing - with a pretty much creaseless face - and at peace.  It was a privilege to midwife her death and I learnt a lot from her in the last 24 hours of her life.  A unique, creative, feisty feminist has entered another realm to wreak havoc, challenge and defend her principles.  Yesterday would have been her Wedding Anniversary - so her timing- as always is impeccable.

I haven't slept for 24 hours and so can't tell you how I am yet.  Mostly thrilled for her and in awe of her courage.  My partner is pretty much ditto.  We are planning 24 hours to just be and then we will begin to get our heads round the practicalities and our grief.  Until then...  Jane

Fragmented Jane

Jp:

A further day in which Jane has had to maintain a professional exterior: her interior is in a series of pieces.  As 'priest Jane' she presents seamlessly, and those who do not know her will be totally unaware of her situation - but it is at a huge personal cost - because she is not at present at all sure who "Jane" is or what the requirements of any of her various fragments might be.  There is a numbness.

Jane's intention for Saturday is to attend a Creative Writing course, to be held about eight miles outside  Inverness: this is something that she has wanted to do for a long time.  All being well (abw), it will serve to show her that she can manage to function with an as yet unknown group of people as herself, fragmented or otherwise, and not have to put on her professional persona to cope in this setting.  The course itself should be enjoyable and, we hope, enlightening.

Jp:

A very brief blog: Jane has not had a good day, mainly for family reasons, and has had to draw on her professional expertise to carry her through.

We both anticipate that she will experience  quite a setback - time will tell - but we may be pleasantly surprised!

Agitation and Contact

Jp:

A very agitated day for one known and some unclear reasons; scale 8½-9 throughout.

One excellent contact, hugely appreciated, with a senior ex-colleague.

Blustery day, which tends to upset Dido (Golden Retriever) especially, and maybe she picked up on Jane's agitation/anxiety.

Now that Nutmeg (rabbit) comes in at night and doesn't go out in the day if it is very windy/wet, there is a minor logistical problem concerning the use of the tumble drier.  Nutmeg's night quarters are situated immediately above the tumble drier - which has developed a most unpleasant squeak/shriek due to a dislocated felt belt/band which I presume acted as a bearing surface.  The washing machine remains docile and can be run without pain to the rabbit, but the t.d. is something else, and it would be cruel to subject Nutmeg to its banshee sounds, particularly as she has nowhere to escape to.  Therefore t.d. can only be used when weather is fine enough for Nutmeg to out.  (I have spoken with an engineer on the subject of repair - it seems that the whole mechanism has to be removed from the case in order to replace the felt band.)

"Move the night quarters," I hear.

On reflection, I might move the offending t.d. . . .

Thank you! 

There's more than one way to accommodate a rabbit . . . .

Jp:

Today did not start too well: we had a call fom the psychiatric unit to say that Jane's review, which was to take place next Monday, is to be postponed because her psychiatrist is sick and expected to be away for two to three weeks.  (We wish him a speedy recovery.)  This was a blow because we are both anxious to hear what there is to be said about future treatment.  Jane now found it very hard to leave the bed - she had intended to get up and paint, but the spirit was having trouble (let alone the flesh).   (I would also say how much we appreciated being told as soon as it was known that the review could not take place.)

The postie came, the dogs barked, the postie knocked - which usually means he needs a signature - so I went to the door to find that he had left a parcel, in addition to the mail.

I returned to the bedroom and announced the parcel.  At present Jane finds opening any sort of mail difficult, in case, for whatever reason, the content may upset her. 

"You open it."

Amongst other things there was a microwaveable bear which can be heated and is very comforting, now named Lydia, and a sqeezy purple stress ball in a net bag; when the ball is squeezed, parts of it protrude through the mesh, rather like pink pustules.  At one level it is revolting, at another level it is fascinating, and at a third it provides excellent physio for Jane's wrist, which she broke at the beginning of June and is still not wholly right.

The effect on Jane was such that she immediately felt empowered to get out of bed and have a shower!

She has spent the rest of the day snoozing on the sofa in the sitting room, which is an improvement on her staying in bed all day.   Tonight, Lydia is occupying her new special place.

So far, coming off the Diazepam has been less stressfull than I had anticipated: we remain optimistic.

[Note, please, that e-mails to Jane are not presently being opened.]

Free-fall

Jp:

The previous two days Jane has spent in bed.

A bit about me.  This afternoon I had the results of a check up on my memory and, incidentally, I was asked how I was coping with the home situation.  I said I thought I was ok and coping, as things were, and that it was hoped there might be some respite care on Wednesdays for me to have some space.

Whilst that was going on Jane had had a therapy session.  When we met it was quickly apparent that Jane was quite shaken.  She is to stop taking any medication and her homework - to be done as soon as she got home - was to prepare a 'Risk' sheet, in effect notes for me, to say what may happen and what I can do about it, e.g., if she is unable to speak then give her pencil and paper.  If she 'runs away', it's not me she's running from - it's herself . . .  There are 14 headings in all, the final one of which reads "Let free-fall begin!  Good Luck!"  She has chosen to write it up on the whiteboard in the kitchen.

I suspect it may be an 'interesting' period.  I hope to be able to report later that I am still able to say that I am coping . . .

Not an Easy Day

Jp:

Not easy because Jane was trying to keep within the guidance given for her consumption of Diazepam.

The intended exercise with Rainbow did not happen because of Jane's agitation levels: we walked along the river bank in Bught Park, letting Rainbow free-run, but only covered about 150 yards before we had to return and just sit in the car whilst the worst of the agitation subsided.

We were able to go to a 'known' cafe for a drink of hot chocolate and then ordered rolls for lunch but by the time they came the agitation levels had risen again and Jane was unable to eat.

As soon as we got home she went to bed and slept, quite deeply, for some five hours.