Grieving in the Moment

If Bea did need Bertie as a familiar companion as she crossed to her new level of consciousness - she has been kind enough to return him.  Simon woke me at 3.45am by placing Bertie on the bed between us.  He had suddenly appeared in an unusual place for him - on top of our chest of drawers (Teazle's territory).  He tunnelled down the bed - something he has never done before and went fast asleep.  If he went as far as the gates of glory then there is certainly bracken and small burrs near the entrance.

There is a real finality in registering a death. I am glad we weren't hurried on Friday by our own adrenalin and need to complete - or at least get on with everything.  We took the weekend gently.  We visited the Green Burial and we took time to sleep, be still and quiet.

Today has been busy.  Putting the final touches to Bea's funeral liturgy which she had written but I have changed slightly after accompanying her during her last hours; setting the date for the Funeral:

Tuesday, 11th December

at 1pm in The Sanctuary followed by a private Committal at The Crematorium with either just the priest taking the service and myself present or my brother too.

We are making lists - Bea would be proud and gradually applying ourselves to the practicalities.  We are imagining a very small gathering as so many friends are in the South of England - particularly Bea's - so the service will be informal and intimate.  We are asking those who attend to avoid black unless clergy and to wear the kinds of clothes Bea would have been used to seeing them in.  Be comfortable and be present.  We are not dressing up - apart from our son who will wear his Sea Cadet number ones if he can still get into them!

Now to eat that Lasagne that was left yesterday and try and finish the list of before and after the funeral must do's - and trust the wall-papering over my own cracks stays in place a wee while longer.

If you do decide to come to the funeral could you let us know as we will need a bigger venue if more arrive than anticipated!!!  That would be wonderful but we need a rough idea!  After the service which will include an informal Eucharist, there will be a wake - all being well at The Marriot in Inverness.  I may well not come to this as I don't want to push my luck regarding my own health, but there will be informal time later in the evening for any family and close friends to come back to the house.  I was thinking of getting out the super 8 cine film of when we were children!

It is beginning to sink in that Bea has died and that empty ache that accompanies new grief is slowly surfacing.  I am trying not to keep busy.  I need to grieve in the moment this time. 

Jane

Comments

[carolynn]

Dear Jane
What wonderful news about Bertie.....animals are very strange ...one does wonder what he was doing and why he went.
Bea's funeral in the Sanctuary will be just right....
Be very gentle on yourself J
You need to look after yourself and do what you need to do for you
I cannot offer you any real comfort but to say I am walking with you all be it from a long way away and "know" in my own way as you well know...
I would love to see you, sit quietly with you, and give you a hug.
This may not be possible at present I have e mailed...
But when you are well enough, sometime in the coming months, I will (if you wish) come up and spend time with you, just for you.
In the meantime, you are so much in my thoughts all of you
With love C

[Gwen]

My dear Friends.
I expect Bertie, was looking for Bea and then decided that you needed him more.
Go gently and and look after yourselves. I wish I could be there but I think you need to be with family more. It will take time to adjust, but, you will. You will be given the strenght.
Both our thoughts, love and prayers are with you and will always be there for you.
Much love G

[Gwen]

Continue to go gently on yourselves, and take each day etc, Thinking of you and continuing to hold you in our prayers. Much love G

[Ruth Heeley]

Jane, you, Simon and Zac are in our prayers every morning.
You are known and loved with an unfailing love. Ruth.