I am attempting to climb 'back in the saddle' after what has felt like a significant glitch. I had being trying so hard to schedule and 'normalise' my behaviour that the wave of anxiety and incapacity overwhelmed me rather unexpectedly. I feel as though I was learning to walk emotionally again and from time to time I still come a cropper and feel the need to batten down the hatches and become a recluse once more.
Part of my 'downfall' was a quite inexplicable, and sudden lack of confidence in the care I was receiving from mental health professionals. It wasn't rooted in any sense of denial regarding my condition, at least I don't think it was. Rather I found myself finding it increasingly difficult to conform to the expectations placed upon me. Yes, getting some kind of schedule into my life is in essence a wholly desirable thing - it is more of a difficulty for me to discern what makes it into the schedule than accepting the idea that a schedule is desirable. I was being introduced to activities which felt strangely distant. It took me a while to realise that they were uncomfortable partly because they did not resemble the kind of pastime I would usually enjoy. I was aiming to please others and get a tick in the box of recovery. I wasn't addressing my own needs - which is a precursor in my view of managing BPD in the long term.
I think part of my 'downfall' was also the very real grief that academic term had started and for the first time in more years than I care to remember I am not beginning to teach a course in Theology. I miss my teaching and my students more than anything. My old boss had said (yes, the one who fired me) that we would be meeting up this month to talk about possible futures. The month is almost out and I have waited and watched the post, feeling rather foolish at my preoccupation and not wanting to test the water for fear of further rejection. I will write and continue to paint but right now I feel as though my arm has been cut off without the class contact and interaction with colleagues. No doubt something will turn up.
I am amazed how much energy seeps away when I am worrying unnecessarily about things I have little or no control over.
Today has been a good day. I have given some head under the duvet time this week to working out which parts of me are ready to do more and which still need a little defrosting. For the moment I am feeling acutely isolated from the Church. I am sure this is the pain of recent rejection as a tutor combined with the pretty much non-existent relationship I have with the local Anglican scene. I think I have read all this in the past as in some way my fault - "I must try harder". The last duvet meditation revealed to me my anger and sense of righteous indignation. I am a worthy servant - but where I am placed it is impossible to see how any kind of practice as an Anglican and progressive Christian can be creatively realised outside of the very necessary work of The Sanctuary. The key is that I am learning not to try so hard and not to take things lying down. I have always been great at defending others and fighting on their behalf but lousy at arguing my own case. THat is going to change. If opportunities don't fall into place from one source they will from another. But this time, I am going into dialogue with a stronger sense of my preferred outcome. What is to be gained by this approach is significant freedom to explore other possible futures; a chance to learn from my mistakes and the mistakes of others.
A former student at TISEC kindly informed me, amongst other things, that it was the Course's loss that I was no longer teaching on it. Initially I thought she was quite wrong - just over-egging the cake to ease the pain. It's taken time to recognise that it is their loss - but also mine - and we will both feel the worse without the other. The course has lost a gifted teacher, but that teacher has lost the stimulation of engaging with others.
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