I think my nickname should be space hopper. I am delighted to discover that I really do bounce! The trick now will be to learn how to bounce not too high and not too low.
I used to help out ringside at Blackpool Tower Circus as a kid and I can remember that one of the acrobats always said if you think about what you are about to do too hard, you would never do it; best to imagine the thrill of flying and let reflexes take care of the business.
My partner gently talked to me and listened this morning. Time to get up, freshen up and fly. I have showered and now smell very Evelyn & Crabtree - a sign of middle age!
My partner did a courageous thing - he challeneged my perception of what I needed and he was so right. I said he reminded me of my guide dog, Rainbow, who now and again has to take a unilateral decision and cross my path because he has seen something and needs to halt me or change my direction rapidly for my safety. In a sense that's what my partner did this morning - he changed my thought direction and challenged my reasoning that staying in bed was the safest option in this weird business called living.
I feel hugely better. He was right, things do change perspective when I've done something as simple as take a shower wash my hair and put on some favourite clothes. Tie dye today rather a slogan t-shirt.
No extra sleeping pill last night - and as predicted no hangover or need to sleep half the day away today. I do feel that I need to get off the drugs as much as possible - I am beginning to feel a grim delight in taking them - the first signs of dependency. The anti-anxiety drug is good - but the side effects on a higher dose leave me with a mushier brain than usual (no comments please).
Today I MUST finish Heat. I refuse to be beaten by literary style.
I am going to walk today too. Not far - as my back has been a problem since my June 2007 fall. But somehow. I have dug deep and now faced one of my greatest fears which is despiar. I have had a chance to hear her call and understand where she is coming from. I can face her again in a less guarded way. She is a very significant part of me in that she holds immense power. I now believe she is much more concerned with protecting me from more pain (mother voice) than she is in contemplating the ending of my life. She does not want to terminate my life as I have always feared - but protect me from myself by removing the pain. The outcome could have been the same if I had not listened attentively and risked going down deep inside. Now I know from personal experience that if I listen and then take action which evidences I am protecting myself from desolation at the deepest, existentialist levels, she happily retreats. I don't want to go back there too often, but I am beginning to understand the darker parts of my personality - in as much as any of us can.
Alot of the time during this present illness I have been told to work hard on destracting myself from the worst symptoms. I have really struggled with this as a naturally contained and introverted personality. This morning I came to a better understanding of distraction which is adding to my tool box or strategies for coping. When I see going out for a walk as a destraction I immediately feel I would be much better sitting tight and thinking/feeling my way through the current emotional rift. When I think of walking as fitting myself literally for purpose - it becomes a potential pleasure because I want more than anything else to be well - and I have a sneaking suspicion I can be a more honed and finely tuned version than I was before I became ill. So although re-framing has always been an effective tool for me to utilise, for some reason I hadn't applied it to things like this.
Step forward.
Back talking. Not chatty - but talking. I feel I have been on an internal 'experience week', but like Moley I am now ready to put my nose above ground.
Jane W-G writes:
Hiding under the duvet of life can only take you so far - there comes a moment when you must learn the joy of filling your own water bottle.
Ps One of the reasons I need to blog is as a writer this is the best way of bedding new ideas and ways of thinking into my psyche. In this blog I've just planted my onions I guess.
What an inspiring revelation, Brilliant step forward.Welcome back. G
Posted by: gwen | 04/20/2008 at 06:36 AM