New drug regime - new personality facets emerge. I need to check the new dosage I am experimenting with is OK - but at present I feel like Dylan in The Magic Roundabout - everything is "cool man". New facets emerging - calmness inside and not just on the surface; a desire to have fun again; wider range of emotions; desire to be active.
At the moment I am trying to find out a little about how others see me. I find it really helps - and 'places' me in my own mind in a reasonable place when I am very quick to reduce my personality, skills etc... to zero value. I have noticed that when I am wearing my thinking hat - literally and/or metaphorically I often dwell on past experiences where I feel I have done something utterly reprehensible or unforgivable. I never focus on my successes. The priest in me tells me on the scale of reprehensible I rarely make it onto the nursery slopes - but I am interested as to why this conditioning occured or whether it is a pre-programmed predisposition. Truth is it is probably a bit of both. The important thing is that I have spotted it and I can see it for what it is - chill out Dude. Extraordinary how a sense of shame can gain such a hold. I think some of this is how the church conditions us to think about ourselves.
Talking of church - I quite shocked myself the other day. I saw an advert for a job as a priest and my heart missed a beat. This may well be an example of a delusional response but I was rather touched. The institution I effectively married at nineteen - still has the power to rouse a warm rush of affection, interest and curiosity. I am glad the church's power to move me hasn't died as I feared. The job was a little one - part-time in Cambridge - at a church with a progressive, liberal style and with a lay training institute attached. I know both reasonably well although I haven't been to either for a good number of years. I know the answer the professionals caring for me will probably give is "not yet" - but I am thrilled the desire is still there at some level. Goodo.
Quiet morning - sleeping. Not a good night - so I caught up. When I wasn't dosing I was planning my next couple of canvases. Having done a few 'scapes' and had a tough week or so emotionally, I am going to sooth with a couple of abstracts. I find I need to do a lot more thinking through with an abstract about how I will achieve what I want in technical terms. I find it much harder to simply over paint because quite often the part I want to re-work is inextricably linked to something else. This will certainly be so in the next couple of pieces - all the work will be in setting up the foundation of the paintings. You know I am quite getting into this.
Inbetween daydreaming about wearing a dog collar again (I do hope this is a sign I am getting better not worse) I am back on my hind legs and engaging with the world to some extent. I went out shopping yesterday - short but meaningful trip!!!! I also spent ages putting old family photographs onto my computer. I have promised my brother copies - and I was - overall - delighted with the results. I have scanned in four of my mother's photo albums. It was very gentle and so rewarding. I was watching my parents, my bother's and my life go by in a series of snaps. Funny how often dogs have taken pride of place in the pictures. No wonder I've ended up with such a menagerie!
Jane W-G writes:
When there is no light at the end of your tunnel do not refuse the offer of a torch.
It is so nice to hear you looking forward and having the desire to look forward is a very good break through, Each day is a new day, a "growing" day. Be gentle on yourself when things ain't so bright and rejoice and be affirmed when they are. We are continue to rejoice in your progress. L. G
Posted by: Gwen | 04/21/2008 at 04:52 PM