The sun shone for a short time this morning and low and behold our local farmer arrived to mend the fencing in the next field ready for the arrival of this year's cattle to fertilise and replenish the land before market. The fine beasties seem so very young, but they have had huge fun discovering the bank behind our house and the fact that they can climb up it (some are better than others) and down it and then wander into the next field too!
They were originally placed in the field for grazing the day before Bea's funeral and I can remember looking out of the window to see a herd in our orchard and one up in the little courtyard! They had broken through the fence and were wandering off - most of them towards the village. I had a sudden image of them turning up in the car park of Tesco Extra just off the main road. I also had images of Betty's hearse driving through cow pats, but the farmer was quickly on the case and as they were gathered they mosied off to find literally pastures new. No poops - so there is a God. Amazing really as that would have truly rivalled my Father's funeral which was on a icy and snowy day 23rd December - 1981 in a South London Church where the pall-bearers slipped and dropped his coffin. They were embarrassed and apaulled, we could simply hear in our hearts the distant roar of laughter from Dad, who would have seen it as pure slapstick and with a strong sense of humour would have enjoyed the farce. I suspect my Mum's reaction had there been a patchwork of cow poo would have been much the same - but I suspect the drivers of the funeral car and hearse would have been deeply unimpressed. Think of the cleaning.
I am still getting my head around the settling of my mother's affairs, but I am delighting in the fact that I not only feel well enough now to do this, but I am in a deep sense enjoying the nature of the process - it is an act of completion as well as a token of love and respect.
The hard part now is doing enough and not too much. I need to keep up the good work and I am pleased that I have at my ancient age, at last learnt how to read when I need to stop rather than plough on regardless.
I was sent the other day a powerpoint presentation from a friend that I have known since he was born, his family and mine would often socialise and he and his brother and I would play together. It was about recognising that life is short and what we are and what we have at the moment is what life is about - not the means to an alternative end - but the reality is now. So many religious and philosophical models demand exactly this structure of understanding. Being isn't what I do; it isn't even what I facilitate in others; it is the moment and our shared or disparate understandings of the moment; our interpretation.
Good to remember this when a usually quiet house has been filled on and off by the barking of Jo - our rescue collie who dislikes cattle per se. Tractors have a similar effect. He's calmer now it's dark - but instead of the four of them wondering out in the garden and having a sniff round - for now they are led off in a chorus of "Cattle Go Home". Poor Jo he really is anti-rural living.
In the last weeks I have been wondering where God and my former spirituality is. As I became very disassociative - so any sense of a value or belief system also seemed to gradually elude me. Some things have returned. I know silent contemplation is still exceptionally important to me and stillness physically is returning now the drugs are less of an issue.
I am now needing more than ever to continue to work on what Church means in terms of community, diversity and issues of acceptance and tolerance - as well as explore more deeply the hermeneutics of mental illness and actually the whole rationale that underpins mental healthcare and it's desired outcomes. Whether this is autism, conduct disorder, schizophrenia or depression. There are two books there I reckon.
My next big treat will be to persuade my partner to build a sloped writing desk to fit on my existing desk for me. Since my accident last June I have had a lot of problems with my left shoulder and hand - altering the angle seems to help hugely.
I guess this signals a need and desire to test my boundaries again with some intellectual stimulus. I have enough on the back burner to keep me in work probably for the next three years - so there is a sense in which as I start to think - "Yes, I'd like to have a go at that again" I need to simply get on and do it.
Rather exciting.
I took great delight in the two large spiders in the bathroom this morning who have decided to squat. They seem to enjoy chasing each other or - more precisely - one is stalking the other. They are both quite big - and I have named them, obviously, Spy and Der. Spy is the dominant one who leads. I am hoping we may have baby spiders - but they seem to have no desire to leave via the window - so I am waiting and watching in anticipation! It is a pleasant distraction from noticing that the bathroom needs a good clean. Post illness I am still drawing lines at some things. I have a strong feeling returning to domestic goddess mode may always elude me or be the last part to return. (I can hear my partner's groaning!) He's getting good at that kind of thing so why disturb the good work. I am not convinced sharing the load is justifiable - I am still ill after all...
I wonder how long I can string this out - it's great being cooked for!!!!
It is so good to hear you sounding so up-beat and with your sense of humour returned. Go well and go gently.Henry Nouwen writes in his book, Bread for the Journey, "Fruits grow from and in our vulnerability", and I know if anyone can make the something very inspiring come from your experiences, you will. Journey onwards my friend. Brilliant. My love to you both Gwen
Posted by: gwen | 01/05/2008 at 05:59 PM