Good day so far. Went to pieces after finishing last night's blog. Had a strange sensation of having revealed some deep wounds in yesterday's blog and moved into semi panic mode. My partner could now get a job as a terrorist negotiator. He did a great job of talking me down - slowly but firmly - to earth, walk away from the door with your hands up in emotional terms. I am in awe sometimes of his patience and diligent concern.
Of course I feel foolish and vulnerable even talking about these 'attacks' but I am learning strategies for managing and re-zoning so that I don't get stuck - even if I have initially been caught. Today, more work on relaxation - wonderful - and a strategy for controlling my physical signs of agitation. Practice. Practice. I was thinking of taking up the drums, but this approach is a lot easier.
There's more good news. I have heard that there is a fortnightly writing group starting up I can join and it should be local for most of the course based in Inverness. I can't believe it. That should put a bullet up the bottom of the self-saboteur who stops when she's successful. I am awed. It's given me a great buzz and the first sense of excitement in months. This is wonderful - the return - even if it turns out to be temporary - of a wider range of emotions. I can hear some old familiar voices inside today - although it's rather like tuning a radio manually - they come in snatches and don't stay long. Good to know they are still in there somewhere though.
I have attempted to complete one set of hospital homework - phoned and have arranged to meet. I have another homework to complete - I may share that when it's done - but I would need my therapist's permission - not to mention mine! It may be it is for our eyes only.
Exhausted again now - but I have not retreated to bed but got up by 10am - dressed, washed and all appropriate ablutions completed. Without the Diaz I think a little bit more clearly but I still struggle with concentration, anxiety and finding the right words. I think I sound like my batteries need changing.
I reckon the other medication will be reviewed at the end of the month - and I am hoping I may have a chance to hit something that whacks the anxiety rather than the depression by then. I am still very ill - not well enough to explore therapeutically the past yet. That was awfully hard to hear. Every cell in me is willing me better; longing to escape from the humiliating reality that I still can't see friends, or go to places, or open the mail. I want to just be able to whistle a happy tune and get back to my version of life. It was a timely reminder that much of this treatment involves small steps forward and a lot of giant steps back. It will start to feel better when the steps back are within a more predictable emotional and physical range.
Sadly, it's not a steady linear progression.
Continued painting today. As the composition has emerged my partner suggested the title: Wicked.
I thought it was inspired.
It is a complex piece and I am taking my time, slowing my process and technique down. This in itself is an interesting way of attempting to control the physical symptoms just now. I concentrate hard on the composition; the techniques I want to use. My mind is mostly otherwise blank when I paint. Maybe focused would be kinder.
I have two canvases ready for framing - the Christa and an abstract. I am busting to pick up the four that are with the framer.
Truthfully not a lot seems to be running through my head. Don't read. Like sitting and I tend to do my 'homework' quickly - not quite to get it out of the way but to reduce potential angst. Today's work, I have to give time and gentle consideration and reflection to - so no rushed quick fixes.
Big day tomorrow, it will be my first meeting with someone who has known me well; fiercely well, a protective mother, trail-blazing and railing against the authorities as well as despairing and upset on behalf of others. My partner and I are going together - I am not sure I will make it out of the car - but past experience tells me he will probably come and get in the car if I don't!
I am feeling the size of a fly with the confidence of a field mouse. I know how skilled and perceptive he is and he knows us all well. Worst of all we have and do trust him absolutely. What he says will probably be right. He has listened, supported and offered inspired counsel when we have been at the end of our tether - so I am relievedly petrified to be seeing him.
It is so good to hear the lighter tone in your "voice", well done. Go girlie go! You are doing brilliantly, Much love to you all from us both.
Love G.
Posted by: Gwen | 11/07/2007 at 08:14 AM