Another Step Forward For Janekind

After all my catastrophising last night and this morning (in bed) - the get together this afternoon with the person I haven't seen since I have become ill - actually went very well and was extremely helpful.  I felt so respected and valued; affirmed and appreciated.  It gave me confidence that maybe I don't need to protect people from seeing me at my worst.  Bring it on.  They can not only reassure me, but support me. 

I confess I was tired after about three quarters of an hour and disappeared off to the car - but I did it and I trust absolutely this person's insight and wisdom - so it was a big help really.  He is easy company and doesn't attempt to make things better or find a quick fix.  Well worth the effort of taking the risk and going - even though ten minutes before we left the house I was still sure I wasn't going to make it!

So much to celebrate.  The small victories over anxiety I feel I deserve an Olympic Gold Medal for but I guess that is a little OT.  I thought about cream cakes on the way home - but that is another form of self sabotage I need to avoid - comfort eating for being a good girl.  I even remembered to practice some of my relaxation and stopping the physical agitation strategies during the get together.  Result.  I also came up with a corker strategy of my own.  In the minutes leading to the last moments before we had to leave I used that old management technique of getting on with a task that I would hate/be more anxious about than meeting up - so I phoned up another person I need to meet with but don't know (scary) and, as I knew I would have to say a bit about myself, it felt like a huge task to undertake.  I thought if I did this before leaving- going out would seem like a doddle.  I faffed it a bit on the phone when I was asked what I had done in the past etc... but we set up the meet.

By the time I had done this I felt going out to see someone who has known us as a family for a good long while and has been a wise and informed counsellor was Snowdonia after Everest if you see what I mean - but I got to the meet and I acheived all I needed to and the person we were meeting wanted us to do.  He made it very much easier once we arrived and were settled.  I could have hugged him just for his gentleness and awareness of what we are going through and facing.  I am still in awe of others' kindness and consideration.  A wonderful antidote to bouts of inadequacy and paranoia.

Bit restless this evening and not really wanting to settle to painting although I am torn; I am thoroughly enjoying this particular composition and want to get on.  Trouble is hand-shake just now and the canvas I am working on at this time is detailed so chances are anything I do I'll only have to over-paint tomorrow.  I think I probably need to treadmill.

I suspect whatever - it will be an early night - I've used a lot of emotional energy today.  Nothing formally in the diary for tomorrow so I will paint I expect. 

My partner met with someone from a local charity offering respite for carers and we are hopeful that he will get some and so have some personal space. One Wallman woman ill can have a smidgeon of purgatory about it, but two Wallman women ill - must be hell.

I know I am still very ill in many ways - but I am beginning to be able to hear and better implement treatment.  A fair way to go though and that does feel like scary biscuits, but I know we will all be healthier as a family and I will be more fulfilled and fully myself once this next period of metamorphosis is completed.  The butterfly is a long way off - I feel I am still shoring up the protection for the chrysalis so that real transformation can begin - but as and when.  The serious process of changing behaviour patterns requires time to take.

Slowly does it...

Comments

[Gwen]

A hugh step forward, well done. As always much love. G

[carolynn]

Big big hug Jane!:) :)
One small step for humankind but a massive leap for Jane!!
Go very very gently today and be very very gentle on yourself.

How's West Wing...are you fed up with it...
I will send you the complete Monarch on long loan if you like...??
However it may be too heavy as yet...

Chrysalis construction is really important..... think how long and how much energy it takes that very tiny caterpillar..... re very hungry caterpillar story :)
Much Love C

[Jane W-G]

Dear C and G,

Thanks for the encouragemet. Still fairly on track. I could never be tired of "West Wing" I am now on the third series second time round. I can get through about eight episodes if I am having a painting day!
I love the characterisations - they all have flaws and are very human.

I'll be thinking of you both as the gales move further down the coast - ours seems to have largely dispersed in the last hour or so. The white horses come across the bay from the west were a sight to behold. S took a couple of pictures - they were high. Snow on Ben Wyvis and more reported for the Cairngorms at the weekend will please the skiers and snow-boarders.

"Monarch" should be savoured in company, C. We will send the men to do good things like chop trees and hunt and we can watch them!

G. Bless you for your constancy and concern.
Hope all is OK at your end too.

J.