Feeling

Another day, much of which has been spent mental processing (not always with accompanying snoring).  At the hospital this morning,  I am moving on to practical things which will help develop my confidence and sense  of returning to ordinary life.  My desk is piled high with unopened letters and parcels.  My first task - really thanks to C - is to try and work towards opening my mail.  To begin with I am allowed to decide what I open and leave the rest to my partner to sort out.  I am going to start slowly tomorrow by sorting through what I would like to open and what I can't face.  I love the sense of control and also freedom.  I am looking at how to lower my anxiety when I receive mail.  I suspect all those years of battles with Social Services, in particular, have left me with heightened anxiety when anything unexpected arrives, I think a swift churning of my stomach has now become a problem  and an untouchable - like a phobia - I can't do this - while my depression is in place.  I wish I had had such gifted and perceptive interventions years ago.

Slowly will do it.

I have some ideas for paintings around archetype mother figures and I will start painting tomorrow.

The greatest news today was to see my early paintings completed at the beginning of my depression now back from the framers.  It was like giving myself a hug - and I'm very grateful to my mum for paying for the framing which involved a second mortgage!  It was very generous and loving.  The frames maketh the paintings - no two ways about it.  We are now deciding where to hang them.  When my son is home it might be wise if they live in The Sanctuary as he may find them hard to have around - but - my partner and mum have, a bit to my surprise, decided they would like them hung up in the house until the Christmas holidays.  I was thinking of the loft. 

I see them as externalising my inner journey and process.  At the moment I don't really see the paintings - and therefore have no sense of their quality - they are the means to recovery alongside the skills of the professionals.

Everyone is very encouraging about them.  They are helping me get better, by helping me explore me - the real me - through the painting.

Had a little bit of a scare with my mum this morning - but all seems calmer now.  We swept home after her phone call to my partner at the hospital - but she was already on the mend.

Good things today:

The awe of seeing what a difference a frame makes - and feeling like a fraud - it makes me look as though I know a bit more about what I am doing than is actually the case.

I have not taken any Diazapam for over 24 hours - entirely my choice.  Good times and not so good as a consequence - but I am pleased I am doing as well off the Diaz as I am.  I am still very shaky - so I want to think again about anxiety when I meet for my hospital review.  My sense is I could try a higher dose of Citalopram - but I suspect lower doses and good coping mechanisms must always be the preferred long(ish) term option.  My antidepressant is supposed to be one of the best for anxiety related depression.

Have made two new friends who are moving up North and we have started a fun dialogue via e-mail.

Things to work on:

Sorting and possibly opening mail.

Staying safe.

Living with a peak under the cover at what I might love to do in the future.  Whatever, I can feel the enormous shifts in my psyche and I am painting as though it is going out of fashion.

My treat for a great week in my partner's view was - West Wing Third Series.  I am now complete  - I have all seven series.  I will start at the beginning of series one and watch them all through as I paint.  I am not up to visitors yet, if they want to talk to me.  (Don't mind sitting with them though) but I love the virtual family of West Wing.  Their vulnerability and their strength.  My role models are the President living with MS and his Press Officer - C.J.

Jo (collie) and Rainbow (guide dog) came to the hospital and behaved liked little canine gentlemen.  Jo is a gem.  Rainbow I just expect to be perfection - but Jo was a frightened, anxious, grumpy rescue dog found wandering in Caithness.  He is calm submissive - as The Dog Whisperer would say.  He is so loyal and even some of his bald patches have grown back.  He likes his own company but over the last couple of years has come for cuddles and loves games.

I walked to the car and into the centre without my partner and just with Rainbow.  That felt impressive.

I slept for about three hours this afternoon and I am continuing with the processing.  I am also making a pact with myself to keep some down time away from too much planning or beating up or trying new persona on for size.  Trash TV. Soppy movies.  Walk with dog - but with my partner.

Progress.  Definitely.  Hard to know where this will lead - but an hour at a time.  I am learning to juggle the plates of some aspects of my everyday life again and also discern as I face each new activity how much I need to do the juggling of that particular plate in the future, in other words is this a part of what has caused the depression - a trigger if you like - or will it facilitate a calmer, more transformed personality (and less ADHD amongst my negative sub-personalities). 

I have had some genuine surprises about my levels of anger around some of the plates - but I am being encouraged to acknowledge and stay with these feelings.  I can't answer certain e-mails just now.  I am scared to return to some tasks.  These are the things which in the weeks ahead I hope we will turn over and over in our heads and hearts and ask and answer the questions we need to ask of them and discern with them. 

Ironically after years of learning to detach emotionally in order to help our son remain calm and unpressured,  it is now turn and turn about.

I must return and go deeper into feelings I've had on ice for years.

L'haim.

Comments

[carolynn]

I know how I felt about e mail and post just on a year ago so have an incling of what you are expressing.
I got Arvan to open my e mail and post for weeks and weeks!!
Go with the flow and do what you can when you feel able.
I remember on my own journey each step being a real achievement and so can relate to and celebrate yours as you share them
Go gently Jane dear.
Love C

[Gwen]

Shalom my friend.
Each steps is a step forward, even the dips. Keep going girlie, and continue to be gentle with yourself. you are on a journey and there will be a good destination wherever and whenever. All our love goes winging up to you all. G

[Jane W-G]

C and G,

Thank you for your continued encouragement and love. Great to know I am not the only living sould who is mail and e-mail phobic and that it is recoverable from! I have my reminder list on how to do this near by so I don't jump steps. Just now I am avoiding too much that pins me down as I am so unsure of the direction I see myself taking whilst getting a clearer sense that I need to see prospective community members ceildh and talk - we now have absolute freedom about where we want to be.

I have just surfaced and had a sad morning, but I am off to paint my archetypal mothers and watch "West Wing" series one. When you are next up C we must sit and 'do' Monarch of the Glen - duvet and waited on hand and foot. G., - you choose - something weepy, soppy or informative. One of my favourite giggles is "Meet the Fokkers".

Good to think that enjoyment is a real possibility again.

J.

[carolynn]

Monarch of the Glen binge sounds wondrful!!
Its a date!
Love C

[Gwen]

Make that two Monarch of the Glen. I am completely sold!!!!!
Much love G