The sadness continues to de-energise, but I was greatly encouraged by the hospital. Hilarious really. I spend a good portion of my life telling everyone I teach, and everyone who stays at The Sanctuary - to remember that almost always on retreat you may well feel exhausted as the days go by and find you need to sleep a lot more than usual because your spiritual, creative and healing self needs to work hard and has this 'chance' to speak to you from the heart. Today I heard the message I have so often given. I may not be doing very much yet, but the sleeping itself is productive. When I don't allow my mean-voice to take over describing me as some sort of self-pitying sloth; then I realise just how much the sleeping is a way of processing and when I don't wake up in a panic, sometimes I feel as though I have just been resting in a warm foam bath.
I am focusing my paintings this week on some sub-personalities. I think I will look at the magical mother; the destructive mother and maybe the birth mother I wanted to be - a lot will depend on how much time I have with high enough energy levels. But that's the grand plan.
I went shopping after my morning session. This was a bold statement to celebrate a very valuable session which has thrown up some surprises about exactly what is important to me. Don't know why yet - but we will get there.
Boots felt like entering an alternative reality. I even went and picked up my own prescription - such is the power of Diazapam - while my partner picked up some Sandwiches and - now here's the real excitement - I chose some lavender shower gel. Will my progress never end????
I shouldn't mock my own afflictions. I should not minimise my progress. I should not belittle myself. Hard habits to change.
Home, bed and asleep in seconds. Lots to think about particularly around parenting - or really caring - or mother archetypes. I can't wait to get going on the painting, but before then I need to buy another couple of canvases and some MORE paint. I have a style which is not economical with acrylics and they are ten pounds a tube for the decent ones.
I have already found some powerful images - but I am thinking about painting all three at once rather than working a piece up to almost finished and then moving on to the next. I want to see what happens; whether they mix , merge or even integrate at some level.
I am loving Vivienne Vyle on BBC 2 with Jennifer Saunders - probably wasted on you, unless you spend as much time as I do spaced out in front of daytime TV.
Loving too, the responses to the blogs which are so encouraging and affirming. I always saw my depression as failure. The love, encouragement of family and friends has helped me turn this vision of my condition around.
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