Exploring Motherhood

Despite getting up late, I managed to finish the first of the mother archetype paintings.  I tried to take my time because I wanted to feel what the painting meant to me and just be with the feelings.  It was a letting go process, not a jumping through the hoop of let's get my hospital homework done and get back to sleep.  The hospital process has become very valuable and it feels painful to think it will end. 

I also did my exercise with the post this morning and it worked really well.  I felt rather bossy and in charge.  (Those who know me well, please don't groan too deeply.) 

The painting left me very high when I had completed it; a sort of adrenalin cum nervousness deal.  I had spent the day watching West Wing Series One as I painted - and as I didn't hook into the whole WW thing until about series four, this was a very enjoyable treat indeed.

As I couldn't bring myself down after painting the picture - I decided to prime - paint the background - for tomorrow's painting which should be less complex than this one.  Still shaking and not 'down' I then varnished two of last week's canvases which can now go for framing and then saw my tree painting which I had hurried a bit at the time and set to work on tidying it up and finishing it.  Again it can be varnished tomorrow and go for framing after they have all made their trip to the hospital later next week.

The tree has been.

I took half a Diaz to try and lose the shakes while I got started on my painting this afternoon and once I was absorbed I seem to have been able to keep the very mean-voice sub-personality under control.  But I have been physically pretty agitated.  Again with the Diaz I have to be strong - time to be weaned and it ain't easy.

I am amazed at how much I can feel and how deep I go without words.

I had a thought last night that I have so little time before I am discharged from the hospital (it's a fixed schedule of treatment) that I wonder if maybe I should discharge myself now so that I have time to put some emotional protection in place, not to mention physical, before the demands of the Christmas Holidays.  Christmas and New Year are tough times for our son.  It doesn't take much to knock me back at the moment - and we are still uncovering the layers  of impacted emotional gunk - we are putting things back together, but mostly practical stuff.

It would be horrible to plummet when I am still vulnerable.  I think I would potentially undo a lot of the so far, little short of, miraculous work the hospital has achieved, plus the constant encouragement of family and friends.  Gosh, you do find out who your friends are at times like this.  And I have.  I've always thought I am the sort of person who is rather tolerated or humoured;  I am beginning to have a deep sense of love from others - and from my perspective it is entirely reciprocated.

Tomorrow I am looking at what control and motherhood means.  Boundary-keeping; safeness and all that - but in extremis controlling and therefore diminishing the confidence of another and their capacity to realise their potential.  I hope the paints don't run out.

For now I just need a hot Chocolate and a back massage - and bed.

Fragile, but trying to move on with the tasks and the going deeper.  The self-sabotage and mean-voice stuff will start later when I return to why am I bothering... I'll only get depressed again... and yes, without the Diaz I am much more jittery.  But I am processing and that counts for something.

Good things today:

Cuth(bert) decided to sit and watch me paint.  Unusual for this particular cat.

Ordered treadmill (partner's order - it doesn't count as spending if he pays for it - just like food pilfered from another's plate has no calorific value.)

Sun was shining some of the time.

Partner could leave me long enough to mow.

Dido (Golden Retriever) brought me an egg cup she had found, thankfully not one of the ones decorated by C and H during Holy Week.  She was so proud.  She loves finding things that's why most of my knickers have no gusset (no comments please) and my socks have no toes.  Too much information - but she gets bored with all this painting stuff and her 'Mum' not wanting to go out much.

Thanks for reading.

Comments

[carolynn]

Painting seems to be a wonderful therapy.
It is very strange that our journeys coalesced in this respect at this point.
I have much to learn about using canvases and acrylics varnishing and framing...we'll have a conversation at some stage when you are well.

Jane you are very much loved and appreciated as you, as you are, as Jane.
Hold on to what gives you life and feels good...
You have come a long way and you will not be left high and dry on your own, you will continue to have friends and others to walk with you
as you discover new sources of growth and life enabling you to continue the process of re-creation and as you rediscover the wonderful person you are and the unique person God calls you to be.
With love C

[Gwen]

Jane, You are you a truely unique and an amazeing personality, don't you dare to try to conform to what you think others think you should be, if you see what I mean!!!! All your friends love you as you are and are "rooting" for you. The world would be a very dull place without people like you in it. Well done you. Love G

[Ruth Heeley]

Don't we all need to be tolerated and humoured from time to time?! I know I do, (often!) But, hopefully, we are (tolerated & humoured)because we are loved! We love you, Jane, and clearly so do many others.
Congratulations on your journeying....big hugs to help you on your way. You are in our prayers every morning. uth.

[Jane W-G]

Ruth,

Thank you!

Bad just now - but back to hospital tomorrow.
I really wish I hadn't had that fall before my courses Summer School- I am sure that was a key trigger. Confidence and all that.

Much love from me and the clan,

Jane

[Jane W-G]

Ruth,

I've had trouble posting responses - so I am sorry this has been delayed. You are absolutely right,of course we all need to be tolerated and humoured some of the time!

I have some great friends - but also a fantastic (what is the collective noun for a psychiatric day care team) set of professionals working to get me well.

I'm down today - but thank you for your love and support.

Much love,
Jane