I am very envious of people who know; deep at their core; individuals who have the strongest, driven sense of purpose and are never plagued with significant self-doubt. I am impressed, but at the same time slightly disconcerted. I sometimes intuit that I am listening to half a person and not the whole integrated being when I hear them at their most energised. Then I temper this with rationality and tell myself I am being bitter and twisted just because I do not share that rooted sense of certainty. That's my lame excuse of an introduction to the growing sense of vocation I am feeling and a nod of recognition at the sneaking fear that my growing sense of the way forward for me might make me a wee bit driven and blinkered too.
I am a bit spooked - and yet utterly thrilled. I am on the thaw; more positively - on a slow burn to simmer. But I am by temperament and intellect a doubter and I take time to warm up about ideas and opportunities. People are a much more immediate and sure-footed encounter!
A week or so ago ideas about places, people and possibilities were buzzing around me like a wrongly requisitioned spell in Harry Potter (my fault, I am disinclined to read product manuals before I fiddle).
A house with extraordinary potential has appeared on the market in Lochgoilhead - the home village of Alan Johnstone's parents. I have been sneaking a sureptitious peak at a charge which has recently advertised (they deserve someone who will not only love them and nurture them - but give them 100% in pastoral and person-centred ministry, I would be looking over my shoulder I am ashamed to admit). And I was exploring in greater detail - what is community going to look like practically.
Part of the reason why I take a while to become enthusiastic about potentially transforming moments is that I am highly intuitive. This is a tremendous gift and a huge pain at the same time. When exciting new prospects occur they often feel to me as though I can see multifarious possibilities simultaneously within a split second of engaging with the prospect. Rather like a cascading firework in 3D. The pain about intuition is that he is a playful lover and unless he is earthed in prayer, experience and significant rational consideration - he can take me into areas where angels would fear to ...
So I have learnt to stay open to possibilities, but not so open that I am manipulated or distracted into areas that will be counterproductive, personally or vocationally. My underlying belief is that I am called to love my neighbour as myself. If I am not taking my needs seriously, there is a danger I will be exploitative of others as I find ways to get my neediness met inappropriately. The first sign I am doing this is when I become impulsive... It doesn't work all the time - I'm human - but it is a valuable benchmark especially when possibilities are literally whistling through the air!
What I have done over the last week is to use some spare time to review my giftedness and future aspirations in silence and prayer. Your will not mine be done - but spell it out Divine One - I am not in the most God-centred, facilitating the Almighty mood. Shout.
I have placed each possibility that has been presented to me into the jigsaw of life on the terms that I currently understand it. I have found this a profoundly loving thing to do as it has encouraged me to think equally about how the outworking of an invitation will impact on me (practically and emotionally) and on those I will encounter in the possible futures.
I have recognised:
* Community is first and foremost founded on the vision we are evolving, but it is being turned into praxis by my partner and by myself. If our needs are met, so it will become attractive to others. I have a suspicion that there is wisdom in appreciating that many will help evolve the idea of community and fine tune it, but few of those currently in dialogue, will ultimately be in a position to test a vocation to live the reality. I am very content with this although sad in one sense, but it does underline the organic nature of process. It also reflects the fact that whatever we do - some will feel it isn't for them.
* We have a family joke which is - If you want to make God laugh tell her your plans!
Well, I did. And the angels have danced and clapped - and now they are offering their own ways of being community - offering differing weights to the various components of community we have discussed and remain comfortable owning.
I was excited to bursting point when I first thought it could be possible to slant community in particular ways - then I moved into the cerebral/rational. The walls to protect the precious kernel of the original plan began to erect themselves about the possibilities. I wasn't sure I wanted to share - not at the deepest level. Risk the vision could be messed around with by association. Get over it the angels cried. I have.
What use is a visionary idea if it cannot be adapted and scrutinised by those who have fed and nurtured the egg and embryo - the Anglican Church? Yes, a few of those in communtiy will be radical and will rifle feathers - but some will not.
What is the point of a community who claim they want to nurture, inspire and challenge the Church if they are not in some way prepared to be a full part of it? Independence is a mixed blessing. It can lead to a lack of accountability and even self-indulgence.
The angels are swaying - if they join hands and start singing Kum by yah - I am out of here!
My mum is a seriously engaged human being. I want to go on holiday this summer en famille. The timing isn't good for her - and I was grumpy in response. Positively hurtful. Easy to be Benedictine and see Christ in others and forget to see it in the woman who gave me life.
Yes I would like a holiday - but I would just as soon have some quality time with her and with the rest of the family. With an extended family ranging in age between 13 and 83 this isn't that easy - but I reckon french cricket, picnics by the sea, trips to our favourite haunt - The Ceildh Place in Ullapool with a venison burger will be just fine.
Ferrets.
My partner took his grandchildren out to supper last night and discovered to our mutual delight they have ferrets, chickens and dogs now! The ferrets have had kittens and he phoned last night to ask if we needed a couple. I was tempted but my sense is that they pretty much have to stay caged unless you are handling them - and I think we can't claim we need ferrets. The relief in his voice was unmistakable!!! I would have called them Basil and Gregory or Hildegard and Withburga. No ferrets. The chicks appeal though - but where we are foxes are a huge issue. Not sure how our two cats Cuthbert and Teazle will be around chickens. Worst case scenario - unexpected organic roast - eeeeewh! No, maybe not chickens just yet until we can think about a nice, big run.
That's life.