Something has clicked in a very deep part of my psyche and it concerns choice. I have choices which do not depend on the assessment or views of other. I can create opportunities and choose the direction my life takes.
I have spent many weeks emotionally spring cleaning. It has been a necessary, but at times, a painful process. I have chosen to reject and let down. I make no excuses. I made choices. I have said good-bye to a friendship of thirty years - because rather like a relative who has decided to separate after a not disimilar length of time - it was necessary for me to own up to myself about my feelings and deal with them. I feel I am travelling lighter in the deepest emotional sense, but I still find it an excruciatingly hard thing to choose healthy ways - physically, emotionally and spiritually. Empathetically and intuitively I am drawn to supporting and nurturing. Now I am channelling those energies into my painting and into fulfilling a dream of breeding Newfoundlands and getting a horse (one day - when my waistline won't permanently debilitate the beastie). These are healthy ways to channel my need to nurture and support. Human friendships which drain me emotionally or result in a pervading sense of high vigilance or fear of offending do not. Most people who find acquaintances hard work just give them a wide berth I seem to have my compass reading all over the place so there have been times in my life when I have had nothing short of a magnetic attraction for people in need. In the Christian faith this is given credence in a terribly unhelpful way by calling it pastoral care.
So my care is primarily for me. If I care well for myself and take my needs seriously - it is enough. It is a relief.
I have often attracted people who want something to either take aim at or idealise in the past. I'm a marmite person - they either love me or hate me. One of my dear friends once called me a tall poppy - and like a poppy bobbing above the corn - I have a personality and a physical presence which can create an aura of being on show. Writing this actually makes me cringe as I am a deeply reserved person. But - large, a guide dog user, arty-farty and articulate - well, enough said. I also attract people of mutuality and to whom I look up and learn alongside - but they - like me - are busy doing the things that make them what they are.
There's no easy way to understand why I am making the changes I am in my personal life except to say that I feel like a plant who in recent years has neglected her roots. They have been attempting to sustain life in the most demanding and alien conditions to the natural requirements of my rather delicate species - so I have pruned some of the things that have contibuted to my stress and mixed in fertiliser in the form of cultural and creative activities. I have at last taken myself so seriously that I have my own 'cave' (they're not just for men from Mars!) and it has a studio, office, library and relaxing area. I am finding me and giving her the space to work uninterupted.
The results are as unexpected as they are fascinating. I am working on two commissions for Guide Dogs Association which will eventually hang at their HQ. I've been surprised how whimsical and playful my interpretation has become of a Highland Harbour as I have allowed my imagination to run away with ideas about how to make the composition as tactile and fun to explore as possible for visually-impaired viewers. Something interesting is happening. I am learning to bend but not break.
Go for it! seige the day and enjoy. From what appear to be "dead" seeds new flowers grow and blossum.Good for you. Be free and fly. G
Posted by: Gwen | 05/03/2009 at 08:45 AM