Are the voices in my head too loud for you?

Artificial Intelligence

It has been an age since I last blogged ... Father, forgive me.

My computer has been very, very ill and out of action for a few weeks.  Whether it was failing with old age or something else caused the problem, I don't know, but to cut a long, tedious story short, a wonderful man put a new hard drive in and another will be saving the contents I have failed to back up from the old hard drive.  The consequence has been that I have been bereft without all the things that form my literary, socila ans creative comfort blanket - the contents of my laptop.

On a personal note I have stopped taking all my drugs apart from a small maintenance dose of antidepressant.  Cold Turkey was no fun.  I was shocked about their power and the urge to escape the worst of the side effects as I came off.  Still, the great news is that after weeks, nay months of walking stiffly; my joints in agonising pain; mouth sores and a head filled with nothing; not to mention absolutley no desire to do anything much, I feel alive again.  It has been brilliant to meet my old self - except she's different and I like her better than I ever have.  I have so much energy I am bubbling.  I look good too.  I've put masses of weight on - but that is coming off as I exercise more.  Hair is too long - but with the snow it has it's uses.  I feel as though I have been given another chance to claim life.

Our son is home this week and it has been an absolute joy.  He is maturing beautifully and we have talked about music and paintings - and life. 

Humphrey, the gorgeous Newfoundland, is growing still and is now just over six months.

I am looking out at the world with a grin on my face.  I am enjoying my reprieve.

Roots

I've enjoyed a full and challenging day.  The most noteworthy moment was a phone call from my cousin - which was a wonderful out-of-the-blue catch-up call.  It was good to hear him and news of his family who live in mainland Europe.

I have been spending odd moments in recent weeks continuing to search out our family tree.  In the middle of the conversation with my cousin I forgot to mention that the latest links I have found are deeper into our Jewish roots and are taking me to Lithuania!  (Sadly only metaphorically just now!)  It looks as though the original Wallmans (I still have a terrible urge to inclusify my name to Wallpeople!) travelled as refugees to Holland before again seeking sanctuary in the UK.  I need to check my trail but this looks as though it's the right direction.

In between attempts to work for short period on indexing an MS, I went to an art therapy session.  I felt very de-energised.  As though I had arrived on the wrong day for a party.  I couldn't concentrate and returned home out-of-salts.  All my agenda, I suspect.  I think it's probably something about going into the hospital.  I am trying to live now and trogging in there sometimes feels as though it is counter my intuition.  Today I wanted to stay home and get on with being me. 

My partner went boat shopping while I was in my therapy session.  I was unbelievably disappointed when he confessed he had only been joking when he said he had bought one.  It was a Mr. Toad moment ("Poop! Poop!")  I have always wanted a boat.  I have added it to my wish list ... one day, when I am rich and infamous ... I will sail away.

Indulgence

I have had a pleasantly indulgent afternoon ordering Christmas gifts for nearest and dearest.  I feel chirpy about Christmas for the first time in years and I am trying to get a little ahead of my usual practice of either buying things when I see them and then squirrelling them away in secret locations in the house which are so secret that come December I can't remember where I put them.  They usually turn up eventually - but too late for that year - and are then hidden in a new safe location for the following Yule by which time, yes, I've forgotten them again!  This year I know the cupboard is bare - so I can start again!  The great thing has been that I haven't needed to leave my study - apart from puppy peeing expeditions.

Nutmeg, our rabbit is now indoors in her winter quarters - this year she is in my study and will free run in the kitchen - or outside.  The evenings are getting much cooler - and although we are resisting firing up the central heating (the credit crunch bites) we have set up a couple of electric fires.  Humphrey (the teenage Newf') meanwhile languishes in the driving rain with his head to the wind and ears flying.  He is built for the sea.

I have revised something important today - which I often forget - the importance of not thinking too much; stopping when I need to and starting without knowing what, where or most excitingly how I will finish.  The playfulness I have lost in recent years is back for now and gently wiggling at the nature of her existence.

I'm a Barbie Girl...

For some reason I have been unable to get the pop song "I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie World" out of my head this morning.  A certain lighteness of spirit is noted - although I detest the song!

I am cutting medication, gently.  I have loved the benefits.  I no longer have a sluggish demenaour imposed by the sedative qualities of one of the drugs - and I have more energy. 

I am gradually making key decisions about the present and the future.  I have never been a challenger of the status quo on my own behalf although at times a powerful advocate for others.  I am gradually practising a new way of being.  Instead of dismissing myself and my individual giftedness quite so readily - "It's all my fault, I am going into the garden to eat worms".  I imagine and visualise what is in the best interests of my most desired self.  Of course to find my Desired Self I've had to do a fair bit of excavating and there's still a good bit of scaffolding in place holding up the shakier parts, but the essence is not only there but confident in the deepest sense of knowing that I am being as much me as I can be right now.  I am surprised how particular I am; positively fussy.

Interestingly Desired Self needs to lose some weight and regain a level of fitness - but not nearly as much weight as I had previously assumed.  Desired Self is a born teacher, creator, advocate and befriender.  Desired Self knows her limitations but more importantly her unique combination of strengths.  Desired Self is seeking healthy relationshios which break old, destructive habits and encourage transation and mutuality rather than colusion and co- dependency. Desired Self is Anxious Self's kindest and most determined friend.  She knows when to add pressure and when to snuggle up beside.

In reality one of the healthiest relationships I have just now are with my dogs - where the relationship is in the now and involves a good deal of mutual affection.  Dogs are uncomplicated and clear in their signals - they are great to practise emotionally healthy living on!

I am choosing carefully what I am picking up again - even frienships.  In this next period I need to have some friends who are emotionally stronger than me in order to help role model - and these are about.  I have volunteered to get involved in HUG which is a highland charity advocating around mental health issues.  I am taking myself very seriously indeed.