Why is it that interesting jobs come along in twos like buses? In the last week, after months of looking, two vacancies have popped up - one on top of the other. The first is at Leith. It has a tremendous 'tingle factor' and offers a creative, engaged community of faith keen to continue to explore ways in which they can be incarnationally present within their wider context. The other came 'out of the blue' and is a group of churches just across the water from us. I knew their priest had moved on, but I had wrongly assumed as it turns out, that they would almost certainly either go for a non-stipendiary post this time around, or that the post might be combined with some other post of responsibility. Apparently they haven't drawn up a Church Profile yet - so I will watch and wait on that one. It would be a very different engagement; facilitating a small, but already very committed group of people to grow their church. It has a different appeal. They have amongst their membership some very committed and gifted individuals, but they are three very different 'patches' with, I suspect, some fairly different requirements from their priest. I am not Protestant in style - and I suspect at least one of the churches would value a person with a more Evangelical mind set. This post has a different sort of appeal. I know the area reasonably well and I know a little of the story of the place. I am going to have to listen to the wisdom of others and the whisperings of my own psyche very carefully.
I have been told today that the psychiatrist over-seeing my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder doesn't want to see me again! I think we may go out to dinner to celebrate. Drugs I have been taking as religiously as the sacrament itself are now to be hugely reduced (yippee) and I am to continue with talking therapy - something I have found incredibly valuable throughout my ministry. I am excited.
I raised at the consultation that I have struggled with the medicalisation of a condition like Borderline Personality Disorder. The psychiatrist was adamant that her intention was to avoid medicalising me. I explained that I believed that anybody who had been through all that had happened to my partner and me during the last ten years would probably exhibit similar 'symptoms' and could therefore be classified with a mental illness. She agreed - essentially circumstances are a major factor. I felt encouraged. BPD is a part of me - but not the defining core. It is entirely manageable and is to be monitored and positive coping strategies nurtured through talking therapies. We have discussed my returning to work. This is clearly my shout.
The more I have thought about it - the more I can link well-being to purpose and engagement with life. I feel ready to be engaged, challenged and to enable and learn from others. I am ready for responsbility as well as the joys and frustrations of belonging in communion and faithful doubt with others. I think it is very tempting for me to believe that there are always others who can do x or y better than me. The truth is it's not about better or worse - but rather vocation and commitment. Pardon the pun - The X Factor!!!! I am at a unique praxis in my life. Our son is at a therapeutic residential school; my mother died last November and my recent period of illness has shown me just how important it is to take my own emotional needs very seriously indeed. It has been very purging and healing. I take myself much more seriously. It has helped me discern what matters in my life.
As for the jobs? Much more mulling, praying and thinking. Trip down to Leith next weekend!? Working on it! Trip to Fortrose too! Week after? Why not! Transparency, authentic process is what I most value - and so that is what I will now embark upon. I feel like Tigger...
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