Unusually diverse period since my last blog; highs and lows and in-betweens. I have started engraving the remembrance cairn stones for my mum and the two dogs. The stones weigh a ton and I am currently filling the kitchen with dust! It is very rewarding but quite hard work chiselling away with a multi-tool. I have started with my first guide dog's cairn stone. He was called Teddy, a magnificient beast, and a Blue Peter Guide dog to boot - son of Bonnie. The next will be Jessie's - our Newf' who died last summer and lastly when I have got the hang of things my mum's. The child in me is petrified that there will be a spelling mistake on her stone!!! The other side of eternity hopefully she would see the funny side of it.
I have found solice and peace in painting each day - sometimes for several hours. The canvas I have almost finished I've called 'Nosey Neighbour' - it is not as 'busy' as it sounds. Painting is a joy and a challenge. I am learning a huge amount with each composition.
My highs and lows are mostly around setting appropriate boundaries and limitations and managing my anger in the moment rather than imploding. The boundaries stuff is particularly difficult as I still feel pretty invisible to myself as a person. I have my CPN's voice in my ear reminding me to go gently and to always re-frame into the positive. I have found it hard to admit that right now I seem to be pretty different from how I used to be. I loved the me before this last relapse - but as yet she remains elusive - and some parts of her seem to have gone long term walkabout. I am quite surprised by how mouthy I am becoming about politics, theology and social justice. I am less patient and more edgy. ("Hell!" I can hear colleagues and friends saying!)
I do get anxious about not having a sense of the future - but for now I am immersing myself reasonably successfully in the moment. I am easily waylaid or disturbed - a comment here - or an expectation there can set me off into an anxiety attack. The tremendous news is that for the most part I can pull myself round. But I am still relatively easily caught out.
I have recently discovered where Tommy is. Tommy is a ventriloquist's doll that my father used and was a part of our family - a wooden foster child - literally - who sat in an armchair more often than not in our sitting room at home! I am very much hoping I will be able to buy him back to add to the Wall-Man Theatre Archive. I am also trying to trace my Grandpa's full, adult size ventriloquist's dummy called Jut. Again it would be great if he is traceable. It is strange to reflect what an important part puppets played in my childhood. It is probably part of the reason why I have gone on to paint and write. I can still remember my heart swelling with pride and admiration as I was 'allowed' to sit at the kitchen table and watch my mum painting puppet faces and other props. I thought she was the bees knees. She was a very good artist with a graphic style which worked beautifully on stage effects.
The Sanctuary is now up and prepared once more, but I am not signed off as medically fit - so friends can now use the space - for a small charge - but I am placing severe limitations on contact with me. I am not a sociable animal just yet - and I cannot listen well or support for long a friend in need. For now I have stepped off my chariot, propped up my shield and spear; sent my helmet for repair and put thec hariot in the yard and the horses out to pasture. Jane 'Bodicea' W-G is invisble and enjoying it that way. I am working out what I love doing and how I can do what I love.
Kim McMillen:
When I loved myself enough I began taking the gift of life seriously and gratefully.
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